Friday, May 27, 2011
On the Middle Way - Love, Detachment, and a Few Chakras Mixed In
This evening, I tried Dynamic Chakra Dance Meditation with Eka Joti at the Hanuman Center for the first time – a movement-oriented exploration of the seven key chakras of the body and beyond – the Base/Root (Strength) chakra, the Sacral (Sensual) chakra, the Solar Plexus (Power) chakra, the Heart (Tenderness) chakra, the Throat (Playful) chakra, the Third Eye (Concentration) chakra, and the Crown (Fullness) chakra. Basically, we spent the evening free form dancing to music and experiencing each of those seven themes fully in the body – I really enjoyed it. It took me back to being in elementary school and coming home on Friday nights to put on records and dance in my basement.
As we moved through the heart center, Eka had us send out love and tenderness to someone in our life, and I found myself dedicating the practice to my ex-boyfriend, as I have dedicated many similar practices in the past few weeks – yoga classes, metta (Lovingkindness) meditations, etc. Despite my absolute certainty and conviction that leaving him and moving on to the next phase of my life is what I need to do, I still feel a great deal of love for him and want the best for him – the thought of him suffering or feeling pain makes me feel sad.
My hope is that this transition will continue to inspire him to grow and change as he seems to be doing. Once that has happened, my hope is that someday he will meet someone new who will love him with the intensity and deep passion that he deserves and desires. I also hope that he will first grow comfortable being by himself alone as I am attempting to do (be comfortable by myself) on my own growth path.
It is difficult for me to hold that tenderness and care for him in my heart while also holding the resolve and strength that is needed to keep us apart and maintain our separation. In the Dynamic Chakra Takra class, we avoided holding more than one chakra at the same time – making sure to finish one chakra and be still before moving on to the next. Yet, real life sometimes asks to hold more than one chakra or emotion-state at one time – even conflicting states.
In When Life Falls Apart, Pema Chodron talks a lot about the “Middle Way” - about not hardening into any one state. She encourages us to stay with the chaos rather than hardening into resentment, anger, righteousness, etc. There is also much talk in Buddhism about sending love out to everyone in the world, even your enemies or people with whom you have difficult relationships – wishing that they too can experience the healing and peace that you are having in the moment.
The challenge for me right now is to aspire to send my LovingKindness and goodwill out to him from afar while not getting hooked back in and losing the important ground that I have gained by moving on and gaining freedom from our relationship. I can love him while detaching myself from him in order to ensure that my needs for security, space, and serenity are met and continue to be met from now on. I need to maintain my strength and be rooted in my truth (i.e. that he is not the life partner for me) without sacrificing my vulnerability and compassion and relying a “staff” of rigidity to hold me on my path.