On Taking Risks – and Not Being Afraid to Make Mistakes

As a recovering perfectionist, I sometimes have a tendency to fear the unknown and succumb to decision paralysis – risk-taking and spontaneity are not natural impulses for me, although I cherish new adventures and opportunities.

The Cowardly Lion = Me :)

Since getting divorced a few years ago, I find that I am more risk averse than I was in my early 20’s.  The thought of branching out in a new career direction or someday opening my own business seems scary because as a single woman I am fully responsible for supporting myself in the world.  If I jump ship or make a move unwisely, I might find myself without a roof over my head or scrambling to find my next meal – at the very least, I might end up needing to leave California and beg my parents to let me stay with them in Chicago for a little while.  Luckily, I am pleased with the direction that my current position is going in at USF – I just wonder if it will someday fit with my lifestyle if I have kids and want to spend more time with them – or if I someday want to advance to higher level positions.

On the romance front, I am even more unsure of myself – after all, I’ve now seen two serious relationships disintegrate from love and promise and potential to criticism, contempt and disappointment. 

How am I to trust when someone professes their affection and admiration for me that they will still be doing so months or years down the line when the honeymoon fades and the work of relationship begins?  Will they roll up their sleeves and fight with me to find middle ground and make a partnership work?  Could I someday trust them enough to have kids and raise a family with them?  Would I be making a mistake by opening my heart to yet another person?  These are the thoughts that now run through my head when I meet a new dating prospect.  Sexy, right?

I wonder if some of you reading this blog have experienced similar fears about making a mistake…on either the career or the romance front.   If so, what has been helpful for you?  How have you let yourself be paralyzed by fear or have you found a way to cope with these doubts?

One thing that I have found very helpful lately is the work of John Krumboltz and Al Levin on Career Happenstance – most notably featured in the book, Luck is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career.   This theory focuses on the idea that unplanned events, or chance occurrences lead to unexpected life directions and career choices and often have more influence on our lives than all of our careful planning efforts.  This theory suggests that there are no mistakes – just opportunities to learn from experiences and move in new directions – and says that it is never too late to change directions – and there is no need to stick with a plan that is no longer working with you. 

Krumboltz and Levin encourage readers to be aware of their surroundings for possible opportunities, take risks even when rejection is a possible outcome, and be adaptable and open-minded – basically go with the flow of what life throws at you.  They encourage people to try out possible career opportunities through job shadows, internships, night classes and other means before making a final decision and not to be afraid to turn back if those experiences turn out to be less enjoyable than anticipated.

While most of the examples in the book are career-oriented, I think the ideas of the theory have applications for love as well – after all, how many people talk about meeting their sweetheart while on a business trip or in a new workout class or on some chance occasion? 

In reassuring readers to take risks and try things even without knowing the outcome, Krumboltz shares this passage in the book that I find particularly encouraging:

“If you try something new, you may succeed or you may fail, you may like it or you may hate it, you may make new friends or even enemies, and you may produce consequences that you never expected – including some that you may never even know about.  Trying something new is a risk.  You don’t know in advance what the result will be…However, if you want to be absolutely sure about your results, there is one thing you can do – nothing!  When you do nothing, you can be sure that nothing will result.”

I love that idea – no matter what you do, there is a chance that you will fail – you could fail or you could succeed beyond your wildest dreams.  As Pema Chodron often reminds us, we have no idea what is going to happen in life – we don’t know what the results of our actions will be.  But…if you lock yourself in your apartment and do nothing… it is pretty certain that nothing is going to happen. 

This perspective gives me encouragement to get out there in the world…try new hobbies…take new classes…learn new skills…meet new people personally and professionally.  Visit new places – after all, I just visited Madison, Wisconsin this week and met some cool new people – who knows, maybe I will someday end up living in Madison – then again, maybe not?  It is good to have it as an option, though…and I believe I’m better off for having had a new adventure rather than sticking only to the familiar and comfortable.

Even if you do “make a mistake,” as long as you keep a learning perspective, it is not a lost opportunity.  While I do regret getting divorced in my 20’s and having had a recent relationship break-up, I can also attest that some of my greatest life lessons have come from those experiences, and I am a better, stronger person for having had them. 

So, if you are considering taking a risk and jumping in to a new adventure – in love, career, or any other area of your life – I say go for it – give life a chance to deliver you the opportunity of your dreams and continue your path of lifelong learning.  You never know what will happen but you do not if you give in to your doubts and hold yourself back, what will happen – nothing!

In closing, I am including one of my favorite quotes from growing up that relates to this idea and a link to the video for “I Hope You Dance” an old favorite of mine from Lee Ann Womack – Enjoy!

"Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth."- William Purkey

Read more: http://www.rateitall.com/i-47211-dance-like-no-one-is-watching-love-like-youll-never-be-hurtsing-like-no-one-is-listeningand-live-like-its-heaven-on-earth-william-purkey.aspx#ixzz1U0mGGNhE

I Hope You Dance lyrics
Songwriters: Sanders, Mark D.; Sillers, Tia;

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lee-ann-womack-lyrics/i-hope-you-dance-lyrics.html |]

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)

On Love, Breakups, and the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

The Serenity Prayer.  Widely adopted by all forms of twelve step programs for good reason – these are powerful words.

I emailed my ex today to share with him that in the end although I broke up with him initially to get out of the bad situation that our relationship had caused for me, I have come to realize that just don’t love him enough to be his life partner; that I was not fundamentally ready to make a choice about who to love him (or anyone) when I met him because I was not (and am not) yet fully comfortable with being by myself.  

I did this in part to apologize and make amends for causing him so much pain by not coming to this conclusion earlier and breaking up with him before our relationship went as far as it did.  I did this because I see him making efforts to change and seeming like he’s trying to win me back, and I wanted to clear my conscience – to clear up any misconception, let him know that I encourage his efforts to heal himself but that ultimately he should not be doing them with the expectation of us getting back together. 

I wanted (and still do want) to help him begin the process of moving on as soon as possible so that he can someday be with someone who will love him back fully in the way that he deserves.   And – if I were to admit it deep down – I did it to try and free both of us – to clear the air and say my peace so we could both go our separate ways without any entanglements still holding us together.

After sharing all of this with him, I reiterated that I do not think we should have contact with one another – that I won’t ask him to stop emailing me or coming to meditation if he finds those things helpful, but that I won’t respond to his messages out of the care and concern to try and give him (and us both) space to heal.

Of course, nothing is as easy as it seems.

In his response back to me, he challenged my message to him on several key grounds:

1.    I can’t “make up my mind” that he is not the right partner for me because we each only exist in the present and he is changing moment by moment – i.e. he is not the same person who I was in a relationship with and will continue to be different each time that we interact.

2.    He believes that my commitment to “unloving” him and avoiding him is just as reactionary as my original efforts to make myself love him were while we were together.

3.    He makes no promises to avoid me or not say hello to me at events where we both happen to be in attendance although he commits to not to be disrespectful or abusive.  He plans to continue using groups that I frequent and practices that I follow in his healing path. 
 

????

 

Now what?  Luckily I was already on the way to a meditation group when I read his email, and I had an opportunity to reflect on the whole mess during our sitting and even our dharma talk – which as it turned out was on the fact that we cannot control (many of) our experiences – only our attitude and reaction to them.   How appropriate – and wonderfully beneficial that I was able to be there for that talk.  

I can’t overemphasize the value of turning yourself over to helpful practices when you are in distress – get yourself to the gym or sit down to meditate or listen to music – whatever it is that works for you.  Whatever hint of wisdom is in your body – follow it and get yourself there.

-----

Anyway, when you break up with someone, you receive lots of advice from friends, therapists, family, loved ones – to maintain your resolve, give you and your partner space to heal, stay out of contact, be consistent in your messaging, etc..  

Obviously if you are in a physically abusive situation and you are being stalked or assaulted, you need to do everything that you can to get out of that situation – get a restraining order, pack up and move to Nova Scotia, join the Witness Protection Program, etc.  

But what do you do if things aren’t quite that simple?  What do you do if it’s just awkward and harder to heal around your ex – not downright abusive or confrontational?  What do you do if you are each trying to heal yourselves and keep bumping into one another on that path?

Sigh.

I have to admit – in many ways, my ex is right. 

None of us can predict the future – and we only live in the present – so I really can’t say with absolute certainty what role he and I will play in each other’s lives going forward – I can only observe what exists moment to moment. 

I believe in my heart that we are not meant to be romantic partners, but I need to let go of the need to control my experience and trust God’s will – or in dharma talk – trust what will unfold in each moment.  I know that right now I don’t love him as I believe one should love someone they are going to spend the rest of their life with.   For now, I am doing my best to be vocal and upfront about what is in my heart.

But, I also believe that I need to do more personal growth work before I will be ready to make a conscious choice about a life partner.  So - I would be negating the power of the teachings that I am choosing to follow if I didn’t admit that I have no idea what will be in my heart and my gut when that time comes.  Given that, anything is possible – who knows? - maybe I will end up partnered up with Arnold Schwarzenegger in a year now that he seems to be available.

Finally – I don’t really have grounds for a restraining order, so barring moving to Nova Scotia or going out of my way to avoid my ex – taking me away from activities that I love – I can’t really stop him from coming to Meditation or Biodanza or coming up and saying hello to me when our paths cross.  Nor would I really want to stop him from continuing to grow and discover activities that I believe are very worthwhile.

Sigh…

Which returns me to the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

So, I’ve pretty much summed up what I can’t control in this situation – so given the above prayer, what can I control?

1.    I can control whether or not I initiate contact with him or personally invite him to any activities.

2.    I can control whether or not I respond to any contact and whether I accept or gracefully decline any invitations or requests that he makes.  I can also take as much time as I would like to respond back with an answer – I do not have to immediately respond to a request if I am not ready to do so.

3.    I can control (or at least do my best to control) my reaction towards him when we happen to come into contact with one another – to try and avoid letting hindrances cloud my thoughts.  I can maintain the spirit of loving-kindness that I have towards him and focus on being mindful and open to whatever comes up for me moment by moment when he is there – to notice what I am experiencing in my body and mind.

4.    I can continue to support his efforts to heal and bring more peace into his life – I can accept and see the changes that he is making and continue to cheer him on in his efforts from wherever I am – I can see him as he truly is in each moment.

5.    I can continue to strengthen my solar plexus chakra and clear seeing chakra (third eye) so as to know my truth and speak my truth when we are together – that will help to neutralize any attempts to control or manipulate me.

6.    I can involve my intuition and my gut in all decisions from here on.  I can ensure that I not enter a relationship with anyone (him included) unless both of those two things are fully on board.   When I truly listen to my intuition and my gut, they never lead me astray.

7.    I can continue to develop my independence and grow more comfortable each day with being alone so that I will never again make a decision about a relationship based on dependency or a desire to be rescued.

8.    I can continue to prioritize having healing, wholesome positive events and people in my life – whether or not he happens to also be there when I am at those events and around those people.

9.    I can consistently prioritize getting a sufficient amount of sleep, eating healthily, and exercising regularly so that I will be at my very best in every interaction in my life.

10. Finally – as was mentioned in the dharma talk tonight – I can control my attitude towards whatever life throws at me – I can make a conscious effort to be fully present in each moment and not get off track with thoughts about the past or the future – after all, all we have is the present.   I can see every person as a teacher and every experience as a clue and do my best to learn from each moment as they come.

In the end, ultimately, we cannot fully control the environment in which we do our healing any more than we can control anything else in our life.  

A speaker at our SF Insight Sangha a few weeks told a story of a Buddhist who went on retreat in Asia thinking that he was going to this peaceful site up in the mountains to get away from the Western world where it was going to be beautiful and serene and he was going to sit in silence and meditate.  Much to his chagrin, the whole retreat center was under construction – so every day there were hammers clanging and bulldozers going and lots of real love chaos to contend with.   So much for meditating in peace and quiet, right?

When life happens and things don’t go the way that you planned or want to arrange them to be, what do you do? 

Sigh.

All we can do is fall back on these very powerful words…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

The Physics of the Quest - on Life's Lessons and Opportunities

Ten years ago today, my ex-husband and I went on a day hike together and transitioned from being friends to having a romantic connection.  We later counted that day as our dating anniversary and went through numerous trials and tribulations together during our years of dating, marriage, separation, and eventually divorce.  

Ten years later, I had a pivotal lunch today with a colleague who will be heading up our new Advising Center on campus and feel a sense of wonder and excitement about the direction that my life is now taking as a divorced, single woman – our upcoming transition into this new center may turn out to be exactly the opportunity and turning point for which I have been yearning.  Ten years ago, today signified an important beginning in my life, and I have a feeling that later on I will look back and reflect that today signified an important beginning in my life as well - the start of a wonderful new working relationship.

This past week, I have been reflecting on the many different perspectives through which we as individuals can view our lives.  A seemingly small event or introduction can someday turn out to have a much larger significance.  And, even an entire relationship can later be seen as part of a much larger arc.

This past weekend, as I re-read Finding the Right One After Divorce: Avoiding the 13 Common Mistakes People Make in Remarriage (by Edward Tauber and Jim Smoke), I saw clearly for the first time how my lack of healing from my divorce and my overall developmental needs contributed to my getting into and staying in a difficult relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  Because I am still mastering the art of being alone, I have been going through life continually looking for someone to rescue and take care of me – my mother, my ex-husband, my transitional partner, and now my ex-boyfriend.  I have not had the necessary foundation to form a healthy, non-codependent relationship.  I have also not fully developed my discernment and confidence to vocalize my needs – to fully assert my solar plexus and third eye chakras – thus, as I mentioned in previous entries, I have been staying in situations that are not right for too long in order to avoid rejecting others or hurting people’s feelings.

None of this makes me a bad person – and I am not the only person in the world who has developmental tasks or challenges that they need to address along their life journey towards self-actualization.  My observation is that some people encounter obstacles early in life and use it as an opportunity to grow – if they are lucky like me, someone or something in their life stands in their way and they are able to extract lessons from it.  Other people manage to go through their early life on autopilot and encounter their difficulties in mid-life – when something finally triggers them to start examining their life, their relationships, and their behaviors.  

Almost everyone whom I’ve met in Biodanza or meditation seems to have been drawn to that path by encountering one of the basic realities of life – suffering, impermanence, or disappointment – through the death of a parent or child, divorce, coming to grips with aging, health problems, etc.   We can choose to be angry and hateful about these turn of events, but I like to think of these realities as blessings and opportunities – to see the truth, clarify who we are, and grow.   When I look at my life as a larger journey, I do not regret a single experience – because they have all helped to shape the person who I am today and the person whom I am slowly but surely becoming.

These ideas have clear applications for career development work as well.  When I graduated from college, I accepted a job offer at Procter & Gamble and went to work for them in their market research department.  As a high achieving student with multiple majors, minors and certificates, a top notch GPA, and a successful internship under my belt, I figured that I could do no wrong – and I had very little idea of what my true preferences and talents were.  I had taken numerous career assessments and flat-lined most of them – for example, my Myers Briggs test results put me right in the middle on every attribute except the E-I dimension – I knew I was extraverted, but that was about it.  I had earned a Bachelor’s degree in both Psychology and Economics and had earned 5’s on the AP Calculus, Microeconomics, and History exams in high school – i.e. I was able to succeed at just about any topic in school if I applied my full effort and mental acumen towards it.

It wasn’t until I got into my full-time role at P&G with a highly detail-oriented, STJ (Sensing, Thinking, Judging) manager and started to fail miserably at my job that my true preferences emerged.  I recall sitting in a meeting with our senior manager and having her tell me, “Kimberly, I see the issue here – you strongly prefer F (Feeling) and P (Perceiving) and everyone else here strongly prefers T (Thinking) and J (Judging)."  To my strongly STJ colleagues, my speaking and writing patterns seemed highly disorganized, scattered, and off-topic and my desire to make a difference and serve others rather than make money and increase profits did not make sense to them.  That manager saw my inner strengths and potential and ultimately helped me to transition from that job at Procter & Gamble into an unprecedented opportunity to be an outplacement client through Right Management Associates (for which I will forever be grateful).  

Still, the important lesson that I learned there – and emphasize with students and clients – is that it was through failure and making mistakes that I was finally able to see clearly who I am – an educator and motivator who prefers ENFP (Extroverted, Intuition, Feeling, and Perceiving).  Sometimes we have to fall down in order to pick ourselves up and get ourselves on the path that we were supposed to be on in the first place – towards our true calling(s), towards our life partner(s), towards the experiences that are waiting for us to discover.

Over Christmas break this past year, I watched the movie version of the book Eat, Pray, Love with my parents and was really inspired by the quote / voiceover that Julie Roberts shares at the end of the movie.  As I continue on my current path through life, I feel this quote really fits with what I’ve discovering about life – and what I’ve attempted to capture in this post.  If you haven’t seen the movie yet, I encourage you to take time to do so!

"...I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call  'The Physics of The Quest'" - a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. 

And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and 

if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and 

if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and 

if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself...

...then the truth will not be withheld from you.  Or so I've come to believe."

On the Middle Way - Love, Detachment, and a Few Chakras Mixed In

This evening, I tried Dynamic Chakra Dance Meditation with Eka Joti at the Hanuman Center for the first time – a movement-oriented exploration of the seven key chakras of the body and beyond – the Base/Root (Strength) chakra,  the Sacral (Sensual) chakra, the Solar Plexus (Power) chakra, the Heart (Tenderness) chakra, the Throat (Playful) chakra, the Third Eye (Concentration) chakra, and the Crown (Fullness) chakra.   Basically, we spent the evening free form dancing to music and experiencing each of those seven themes fully in the body – I really enjoyed it.   It took me back to being in elementary school and coming home on Friday nights to put on records and dance in my basement.

As we moved through the heart center, Eka had us send out love and tenderness to someone in our life, and I found myself dedicating the practice to my ex-boyfriend, as I have dedicated many similar practices in the past few weeks – yoga classes, metta (Lovingkindness) meditations, etc.  Despite my absolute certainty and conviction that leaving him and moving on to the next phase of my life is what I need to do, I still feel a great deal of love for him and want the best for him – the thought of him suffering or feeling pain makes me feel sad.  

My hope is that this transition will continue to inspire him to grow and change as he seems to be doing.  Once that has happened, my hope is that someday he will meet someone new who will love him with the intensity and deep passion that he deserves and desires.  I also hope that he will first grow comfortable being by himself alone as I am attempting to do (be comfortable by myself) on my own growth path. 

It is difficult for me to hold that tenderness and care for him in my heart while also holding the resolve and strength that is needed to keep us apart and maintain our separation.   In the Dynamic Chakra Takra class, we avoided holding more than one chakra at the same time – making sure to finish one chakra and be still before moving on to the next.   Yet, real life sometimes asks to hold more than one chakra or emotion-state at one time – even conflicting states.

In When Life Falls Apart, Pema Chodron talks a lot about the “Middle Way” - about not hardening into any one state. She encourages us to stay with the chaos rather than hardening into resentment, anger, righteousness, etc.  There is also much talk in Buddhism about sending love out to everyone in the world, even your enemies or people with whom you have difficult relationships – wishing that they too can experience the healing and peace that you are having in the moment.  

The challenge for me right now is to aspire to send my LovingKindness and goodwill out to him from afar while not getting hooked back in and losing the important ground that I have gained by moving on and gaining freedom from our relationship.  I can love him while detaching myself from him in order to ensure that my needs for security, space, and serenity are met and continue to be met from now on.  I need to maintain my strength and be rooted in my truth (i.e. that he is not the life partner for me) without sacrificing my vulnerability and compassion and relying a “staff” of rigidity to hold me on my path.