On Routines - and Cherishing Life Moment by Moment

The other night, I starting thinking about all of the different phases that my life has held.   I have only been alive for three decades, but it feels like I have lived so many lives in that time.   I was sitting on the chaise lounge in my studio apartment, playing around on my computer, and my boyfriend was snoozing on the bed.  This is a peaceful and comfortable scene that has recreated itself a number of times in my near future and is one element of the routines and settings that make up my life right now.   Yet, all of a sudden, and it occurred to me that this will not always be my routine and setting – someday I’ll be in a different time and place and look at back on this time in my life remembering this particular chapter.

Once I started thinking along that path, I started to recollect various chapters in my life…what my pre-bed routine was like in other apartments and other relationships.  What it is like getting up and getting ready for work in this apartment – and what is was like doing so in other homes and with other partners at other times in my life.    On that note, I started thinking about what my experience is like going in to work now – and what it used to be like – who I would see during my day, what my office was like, and what the rhythm of the day was like.   I also thought of what activities and places I go to now after work – and other activities and places I used to go at other times in my life – yoga classes, dance classes, Jazzercise classes, happy hours – and how I would get there – listening to music in my car or listening to my Ipod on the bus – even walking through the city as I did in Seville, Spain to get home from class after school.

The only thing that unites each of these varying routines is while they were an integral part of my life, I didn’t really notice them at the time – every once in a while, I came up for air, looked around, and observed what was around me (thus why I still have recollections to ponder).  But, most of the time, I didn’t notice much at all – to me, that time and place in my life wasn’t very notable – it seemed that that routine would last forever, so why bother paying attention to it?  Sometimes, I even felt bored or frustrated with the monotony of it.  Yet, somewhere along the way, that chapter and that routine came to a close – never to come again in exactly the same way – except in my memories.

Lately, I’ve thinking about motherhood – what it would like to be a mom, what would be necessary to be a mom and a loving wife, how I would manage all of the stresses and tasks that come with raising a child, and how having a child would change my life forever.   Right now, I am blessed to have many moments of solitude and reflection in my life – time to clear my head, listen to music, take a bath, meditate, look up information on the computer or plan for a future possibility.   I certainly enjoy those moments now – but I am also realizing that someday those moments could be few and far between – and I could back wistfully at the freedom and independence that I have now.   Right now, I am also blessed to have plenty of time in my life to go to Biodanza classes and yoga classes and meditation groups and on various retreats – someday, if I have a child, I know that I would have to be much more choosey about what I do with my time when I am not at work and not with my family.   Finally, right now, there are so many tender moments of cuddling and sleeping in and connecting that I have with my sweetheart – without a baby or toddler in between us.  Someday those moments could be more difficult to steal way and our time together could be interrupted and strained by over-exhaustion.

Knowing all of those things doesn’t convince me not to have a child – although it does make me think carefully about whether I’d want to have more than one child.   Knowing all of those things make me think how important it is that I prepare myself for eventual motherhood – and really soak in all that I possibly can about this time in my life – about the routines and the dreams and the special moments that I experience day after day.  The sunny walks to the bus, the tender cuddly mornings, the enriching classes, and the wonderful moments of reflection like I’m having right now as I write this.  All of those moments are so tender and precious – and if I don’t take the time to see and smell and taste and hear and feel every detail, before I know it they will be gone.

Even if life doesn’t have it in the cards for me to have a child or marry my current partner, the change of routine and setting is still bound to happen one way or another – because that is the nature of existence – change is the only constant in life.   Someday my office will change again at work – or my coworkers will shift or my entire job will shift.  Someday the place where I go to Biodanza class will change or my teacher will change or people in my group will stop coming and new people will take their place.  Little my little, our routines shift until one day we look back and realize that various parts of our life are no longer there.  Sometimes the change is dramatic – with a big move or breakup or layoff.  Other times, it is more subtle and sneaks up on us.

I’ve been reading this book lately called Hand Wash Cold:Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life.  It is written by a Zen priest named Karen Maezen Miller who is a mom and housewife and writer and who grew up in typical American existence.  I’ve been reading it at lunch and really like it – it always seems to bring me out of my planning / ruminating mode and back to the present.  On the back cover of the book, it says, “Fall in Love with the Life You Already Have.”  How wonderful is that?  Thinking about it, I really do love the life that I have right now – and I suspect that if I had taken the time to notice what was in my life at various times in the past, I could have found stuff to love in those “life’s,” too. 

Two passages of Ms. Miller’s book about time really stood out to me today. 

She says (p. 130, “I tell people about how much time and effort it takes to be a wife and mother.  About how it occupies my whole life.  I say I can’t imagine a time when I’ll have more time, when my life will once more be my own.  In truth, I struggle daily to give even one measly minute of undistracted company to my family, and I’m here all day.  When do we actually have the children we say we have?  When are we actually in the relationships we’re in?  What portion of the years, the days, the hours of our lives do we spend being the people we define ourselves to be?  Fulfilling the roles that we have chosen?”

Although I am not currently a wife or a mother, I can totally relate to this passage.  I am often feeling like there is not even time to do what I want to do – and focused on getting to a magic, future time when I’ll feel like I’ve “arrived.”  But, the idea that that time will come is a myth – the only time we have is now – right now.   And, the idea that that place will come is a myth as well – the only place we have is here – right here. 

This Thursday, my horoscope said that I was to have an excellent career day – that I would be really successful and unbeatable and all of the stars were aligned to support it.  When I read that horoscope, I pictured giving a “knock’em dead” presentation to some higher-ups or receiving news that I’d been promoted or given a raise – some dramatic demonstration of career success.  I was a bit puzzled, though, because all I had planned for that day on my calendar was a bunch of student advising appointments and a webinar.   As it turned out, I had a string of really meaningful conversations with students that day.  Conversations where I was able to be fully present and ask the right questions and help students find their way.  Conversations where hopefully I made a difference and inspired "a ha" moments that will help students change their lives for the better.  

Along the way, as I was reflecting that day at lunch – it occurred to me that that is the success story – that is the moment, the arrival that I’ve been striving for.  To be doing my lives work and make a difference in some student’s lives – that is what I have trained for and what I strive to do better and better each day – to have some success with that is truly something to cherish and celebrate.  This is my life –and my work legacy – one student at a time, one presentation at a time, hour by hour, day by day.  Blink – and I’ll miss it.

Ms. Miller also said, (p. 139), “I’m sure it can seem to some that all they have to do is work, leaving all the other priorities to languish on the periphery.  I hope for your sake that when it is time to work, all you do is work.  But in those hours when the choice is truly yours, what do you choose to put in front of you?  Where do you cast your enraptured eye?  Where do you lose yourself?  Where do you invest your time, your life, and your love, knowing whatever you pay attention to thrives?”

I want to strengthen these habits of mind of paying attention, being present, and appreciating the moment so that at each stage of my life, whether marriage, motherhood, or whatever life has in store for me, I will truly be there to experience it.  I want to be the mom who puts down my computer or phone and gives full attention to my kid.  I want to be the wife who truly sees and appreciates her husband and lets him know it every day.  I want to be the daughter and granddaughter who really cherishes each moment with her loved ones as they grow older.  And, I want to really be there – with friends, with students, with my Biodanza group, in nature – to really experience my life, moment by moment as it unfolds.

Lately, in Biodanza class, I’ve been feeling our moments of beginning and ending in the circle very strongly.  We dance holding hands in the circle – and often start moving counter-clockwise together to the music.  As the circle gains momentum, I feel a wondrous sensation when I relax and surrender to the movement – letting my self get pulled around and in and out by the circle – and simultaneously pulling those around me.   If I heed to the call, I can let go of the needs to cling or control and focus my energy on just being – on hearing the music, taking in the gazes of my fellow Biodanzeros as they go around the circle, and feeling their touch and the ground beneath me, supporting me and holding me each step of the way.

Life is that way, too – a continuous circle of movement – cycles –  beginnings and endings – we go around the circle and end up back where we started – like a merry go round.  If we stop straining to see what is ahead of us in the circle and just surrender to the ride, we can use our focus and energy to just be – to “fall in love with the life we already have” – moment by moment, step by step, breath by breath.

To close, I’m attaching below a video promoting Ms. Miller’s book, “Hand Wash Cold” which I highly recommend – and a song I heard the other day that reminded me of this idea – the importance of staying present and remembering each moment as it happens.  Finally, an inspiring image / poster I stumbled across recently - called the Holstee Manifesto.

On Gratitude - It's Not Just for Thanksgiving These Days!

Courtesy of Xtremefreak.com

As we finish up the turkey leftovers and close the chapter on Thanksgiving for this year, I’d like to express my gratitude for discovering the practice and power of gratitude this past year – a practice that now brings joy into my life well beyond Thanksgiving.  

In the Awakening Joy course with James Baraz that I took this year (and the accompanying book), one of the key practices that we were taught to cultivate is Gratitude.   According to happiness experts like Rick Hanson, our brains are trained to focus extra attention on negative stimuli – a throwback to the days when we had to be primed each minute for potential dangers – after all, if we weren’t careful, giant Sabertooth tigers would chase us and eat us!  

Very useful back then – not so useful now in modern life.  Nowadays, all of that focus on the negative makes us depressed and anxious and unhappy.   We live longer and stay out of danger – but we carry our unhappy brains and moods with us all of our lives.

Before learning to focus on gratitude, my conversations with friends and family used to sound like competitions to see who would win the award for having the worst day - I’d grumble about the student I met with who was cranky or the bus that was late or whatever minor annoyance was highlighted in my consciousness.  My companions would complain about the bad weather,  the driver who cut them off and the friend who stood them up for dinner.

Since learning the power of gratitude, I am making a concerted effort to focus on what I am grateful for in my life and what has gone well in my day.  As a result, I feel more positive and am able to share the joy and happiness in my life with those around me.  

Here are some ways that I have worked gratitude into my life:

USF's Beautiful Campus!

When I walk back from lunch to head back in to work, I make a point to take in the beautiful campus surrounding me and cultivate a smile in my body and mind.  I also try to notice the positive atmosphere around me on the way into work in the morning, when I am walking home from the bus at night, and whenever I stop for a minute and take a breath.

When I am feeling anxious or frustrated, I’ve found that taking a minute to stop and run through a list in my mind of things that I am grateful for really helps me to break out of the cycle of samsara and get back to an open heart and mind – ideally before I tear the head off of my companion.

I also make a point to really stop and feel good feelings inside – to take in the good and soak it into my body and mind.  Happiness researchers like Rick Hanson say that by really emphasizing and noticing when we feel good, we can help to change our brains over time and discount the bad things that we notice day in and day out.   For instance, I had a really good phone conversation yesterday with my grandparents in Florida – who I am extremely grateful to still have alive and healthy in my life.  When I got off of the phone, I noticed that I felt really good – and I paused for a moment to feel that all the way through my body – and to remember how amazing it feels to be able to have them in my life to call on Thanksgiving.

My Mom and Me - An Old Favorite!

One practice that I am particularly grateful for is a gratitude email practice that my mom and I started earlier this year.  Each day, we trade emails back and forth sharing three things that we are grateful for in our life.   I look forward to reading my mom’s emails each day to find out what is adding happiness to her life; I find the practice of writing my own emails helpful to focus my attention on the good; and I am enjoying how this new exchange of gratitude lists has improved the flavor of our daily connection with one another.

I would be silly to claim that I bring the spirit of gratitude into my life all the time – after all, just like any of you, I have days and moments when I sound more like a whiny grouch than anything else.  Nevertheless, these past months of gratitude practice have been so worth it and so wonderful that I am convinced of its power.  Don’t believe me?  Try it for yourself – this year, instead of saving gratitude just for Thanksgiving, try keeping it in going in your life until next Thanksgiving – and see what you think!

As a parting gift, here are some videos on gratitude – to give you some ideas and get you started!

On Surrendering Into Our Interconnectness

The past few weeks, I have been holding an intention to be more accepting of myself and others and reflecting on our interconnectedness with each other and everything around us.   Of course, doing so has been difficult for me to do because you can’t “will” yourself to do anything – approaching these qualities of compassion and lovingkindness with a desire for perfection is counterproductive.  

I had the opportunity to listen to a great talk by Tara Brach on Anxiety About Imperfection in October, and have also been reading her book Radical Acceptance during my lunch hours.  According to her, you can’t convince yourself not to be judgmental of yourself or others – just as you can’t convince yourself to change any habit through willpower alone.  Instead, by bringing gentle and loving awareness to your thoughts and actions and seeing how they resonate with your body and mind, you will begin to shift them naturally.  Also, by reminding ourselves of our loved ones and humanity, we become less likely to think in terms of me, my, and mine – and we are inspired to act with love and compassion.

These ideas also work well for dealing with difficult emotions – like anger, anxiety, sadness, fear, etc.  For many years, my approach has been to feel ashamed and distressed when these feelings arise and to try and get rid of them as quickly as possible.   I come from a family where we try to focus on the good and put a happy face on things.  I do believe that focusing on the positive in life is a beneficial thing and much research and teachings support that idea – gratitude practice has been more and more helpful in my life.  

Invite the Monster for Tea!

Nevertheless, having aversion to difficult feelings rather than approaching them with gratitude and acceptance often makes them harder to cope with.  Many of the Buddhist teachings that I’ve come across encourage us to lean into discomfort and lean into difficult emotions – to welcome the monsters into the room when they arise rather than running away scared.  While suffering is never pleasant, when we truly look it in the eye and take it in, it opens our hearts and humbles us. 

These days, when I feel anxiety arising or feel sad or angered about something someone said to me, I try to focus in on the actual sensations in my body, the raw feelings underneath – not the story about whose fault it is or what I should do about it or why it is happening.  I try to feel my heart and throat tighten or feel the heaviness in my body or feel my flushed face and hold those sensations with a loving heart, like a mother would hold her crying child.   In surrendering to the feelings moving through me, I feel a great sense of release and I feel strangely held by the universe. 

Biodanza "Nest"

In Biodanza class recently, our teacher Clara did a vivencia class focused on the concept of the nest – feeling supported and nurtured by everything around us.  I had had a particularly stressful week at work and was feeling pretty wiped out – so wiped out that instead of trying to be the perfect student and do every exercise “right,” I just released into the moment – when we walked through the space, I sank my feet into the ground and felt it hold me up; when I danced with one of my classmates, I just gazed into her eyes and felt an authentic, open connection; and when we gathered into the equivalent of a big group hold, I just relaxed completely and felt all of the bodies of my comrades around me.  It was truly a wonderful class – and really made me feel connected with the earth and the community around me.   I didn’t feel such a compulsive need to hold myself up. 

The Vast Sea of Awareness

In that talk about Anxiety About Imperfection, Tara Brach shared an image / idea which I’ve found very powerful lately.  She said to picture ourselves and the entire universe as the great wide ocean.  So many waves of emotions and stories and egos and everything run through us, but in the end we are just a vast ocean of awareness – awareness that has been here since we were born and will be here when we die.   When I feel triggered and think about sinking into the great ocean of love and awareness, I feel a wonderful sense of wholeness and completeness. 

I was also working with sound last night at a Sound Healing meetup at the Globe Sound and Consciousness Institute that I went to in celebration of 11-11-11.   There were several musicians there and we spent a lot of time using singing bowls and toning in as a large group on particular sound frequencies.  If you ever have an opportunity to do that sort of activity or sing along with a toning CD or use toning forks, I encourage you to do so – it is amazing how much can communicated by sound.  I have a similar feeling in Kundalini Yoga when we chant various mantras together  - something about joining together in sound really cues me in to our joint energy and spirit – where my body starts and ends seems to blur.  

Walk Into the Light, Patrick!

I also like picturing our unitedness in terms of light – when I was at the Sound Healing meetup, I found myself picturing an image similar to the ending of the movie Ghost, where Patrick Swayze finally joins up with all of the other beings in heaven after he saves Demi Moore from the evil person who murdered him.  As I remember it, you see him stepping into a bath of light and at first you can see him and see the outlines of other beings, but eventually it all just blurs together into one big ball of light.  Other movies with death have used this image as well – of walking into the light, etc.

I’m not sure what your specific spiritual beliefs are and I’m not inclined to try to change them – I think all religions in the world have something beneficial to share.  Most of them at their heart encourage us to bring love into the world and share our light and compassion with others.  As we learn more and more about science, it seems that science supports the idea of us all being interconnected – of us all being part of a giant energy field.   There are so many neurons that fire and connect to help us conceive our place in the world that I think it is entirely conceivable that this idea of a body and a self separate from the rest of the universal energy field is simply something created by our brain to help us make sense of the world – otherwise it is too abstract to conceive. 

The Rescuing Hug

Science also supports the idea of our connection with others being crucial to our survival – I’m sure many of you have heard "The Rescuing Hug" story or read one of the articles that circulated around the Internet a year or so ago about the benefits of co-incubating twins that have been born prematurely and aren’t ready to survive in the world yet.  Or of allowing premature infants to be held and hugged by their parents.  Our science world would suggest to keeping the environment sterile and free of germs is the most important thing (and it’s definitely important) – but it seems that there is support for the idea that touch and human connection is extremely important to our survival.  I’ve also heard stories of babies in orphanages who died or had health difficulties even though they seemingly every need taken care of – they were feed, clothed, given shelter, etc. – but weren’t held on a regular basis, and we as humans depend on that touch and connection.

Have You Hugged Someone Today?

In the documentary movie, Connected, which I mentioned in my last blog entry, there is a part where the narrator mentions that hugging for at least six seconds releases oxytocin and helps with our over wellbeing.  I’ve also heard that things like Cuddle Parties – which are parties basically focused on giving space for hugs and affection without all of the complexities of dating, relationships, etc. – are extremely helpful for single people.  Hugging and sharing affection with another human bolsters our immune system and can even help people lose weight – many times we try to fill out need for love and affection and connection by buying things or stuffing ourselves with food or other material things – when all we really desire is a hug – or some sort of basic reminder that we are infinitely connected with source and everything around us.  

When is the last time that you hugged someone?  Hopefully not too long ago – if it has been awhile – go find someone and give them a hug – and – extra credit – try to hold the embrace for at least 6 seconds – or at least a full breath.  So many times when we give someone a hug, we tense up and hold our breath instead of just relaxing into the embrace and feeling our bodies and souls melt into one another.  I LOVE this picture of two kittens snuggling up to one another – I keep it posted on my fridge, and it warms my heart every time I look at it. 

Anyway, these are some thoughts that I’ve been working with lately related to working with anxiety, imperfection, and difficult emotions and about finding such expansive peace in surrendering to the connections and shared energy around us.  I just came from an acupuncture session earlier today, and as I was lying on the table, I felt such a deep sense of peace – as if I was sinking into and through the table and was swallowed up by the vast energy, love, and light around me.   The feeling was fleeting, but when it was there, it was so incredibly powerful.  

As you tackle these same demons in your life, I encourage you to embrace your suffering and feelings with compassion, give yourself or someone a hug, and seek out practices like Biodanza and Sound Healing that assist you to let go and float into the endless sea of awareness of which we are all part.

To finish - I leave you with an old favorite song of mine that I got from watching Grey's Anatomy - "Infinity" - by Merrick.  The images in this video are moving and beautiful - enjoy!

On Connecting With Love In Unexpected Places

Six years ago today, on a sunny and glorious Saturday, I married my ex-husband Chris in a ceremony surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones.  There was not a single cloud in the sky, and the ceremony took place in an outdoor tent overlooking a clear blue lake – I felt loved, connected, supported and full of love and gratitude for everyone around me.  It appeared to be a perfect start to a lifelong journey together for my ex-husband and me.

Six years later, on an equally sunny and glorious Saturday, I spent today in the company of mostly strangers on a daylong retreat given by Spring Washam up at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Marin County, California entitled, “Free Your Heart: A Transformational Workshop for Exploring Love and Connection.”

When I first signed up for this retreat, I didn’t give much conscious thought to the fact that it was going to be held on the date of my old wedding anniversary.  I signed up for the retreat because I had heard Spring give a dharma talk in the past and really enjoyed it – and because as many of you know, I have really been working with the themes of love and connection in my life lately.  

Still, when I got up this morning to head out the retreat, I found myself wistfully pondering how much has changed in the past six years.  Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I’d be living alone in San Francisco, California in a studio apartment.  Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I’d be divorced and getting out of yet another relationship.  Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I would find the idea of getting up at 6:30 am and going to spend Saturday at a meditation retreat an appealing idea.  Yet, here I am – this is my life now – a lot can change in six years time – and this morning I was feeling both a sense of wonder and bitter sweetness about it.

Luckily, this workshop was the perfect place for me to be this morning – because the many interactive activities that we shared as a group together reminded me of the many connections that we as humans can have.   So many times, when we are asked to think of love or connection, our minds immediately go towards thinking of romantic partnership – i.e. whether we are single or in a committed relationship, getting into a relationship or  getting out of one, married, divorced, separated, etc.   Many of the people in the workshop expressed some variation of their romantic partnership status when asked why they chose to come to the workshop today. 

But, there are so many other connections available - and so many sources of love available to each one of us.  Connection to friends; connection to family; connection to co-workers; connection to pets; connection to community...

Most important of all, we can love and connect to ourselves – by being present with whatever sensations, thoughts, and feelings we are experiencing – and by honoring and accepting whatever comes for us in each moment.   We can treat ourselves with loving-kindness and compassion - the lovingkindness and compassion that is each of our birthright.

I've often heard that in order to truly love another, you must first love yourself - increasingly I am coming to see the truth in that statement.  Our teacher's insight this morning was that if you don't first love yourself, your love for the other person will always have an element of grasping to it - a desire for your affection to be returned, a desire for the other person to fulfill your need for love - a need that can feel like a bottomless well if you don't first fill up that well with love for yourself.  I have found her insight to be very true in my experience - and I am really working on practicing loving-kindness towards myself for that very reason.

Next, if we happen to be apart from our friends and family and loved ones, we can love and connect with those people who are around us – even if they are strangers to us.   We did an activity today where we broke into smaller groups, and each person in the group took turns sharing for four minutes…”If you really knew me, you’d know…” over and over again – saying whatever come forward in their mind each time.  After we got past the initial surface thoughts, deeper thoughts were revealed – and a strong sense of connection was forged once we each got below the surface and shared our vulnerability with each other.  I was comforted to discover that while I’d initially assumed that each of my counterparts had it all “together,” we each had our own combination of strengths and flaws – none of us were perfect, but we were all beautiful inside. 

You are unlikely to have the opportunity to do that activity with the woman you are sharing the bus stop with or the man you are standing next to in the grocery store – but the activity really got me thinking about the tenderness and goodness that lies within every one of us.  We also did a rather intense activity later in the day where we stared into the eyes of another person for 5-10 minutes and were asked to think various things about them in sequence such as the goodness and strength that lies inside them or the pain and suffering that they have been through.   As we did, I was amazed at how much my interaction with the person whom I was with was affected by the stories that I was creating in my mind about him. 

What if instead I was thinking about how evil his intentions were or how hard he was trying to make my life difficult? – as we often do about people who cut us off in traffic or grab the last order of something we were hoping to acquire   Instead of finding reasons to judge or ignore strangers whom you encounter; when possible, I encourage you to find momentary points of connection in your everyday interactions.

Another less commonly thought of connection is our connection to the cosmos – our connection to all beings – to the universe at large.   Meditating and learning about dharma teachings – about the suffering that all beings experience – helps me to feel more connected to the great fabric of human experience.  I also feel connected to the greater human fabric when I enjoy artistic works – like listening to music, watching a movie, or reading a good book – because many times those pieces speak to an element of my experience that is common to all – and I don’t feel so alone – because I’m not the only one who has experienced whatever I am currently experiencing.   

Suffering is a key aspect of life – that was one of the Buddha's main teachings.  It our very effort to try and avoid the basic suffering that comes with life experience that make us feel the most pain.  Spring Washam got her start with inner city communities and was amazed to discover during her teacher training at Spirit Rock that everyone experiences suffering – “rich” people and great spiritual leaders, too – no one is immune to loss and delusion and desire and suffering.  Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in experiencing difficulty and troubles - there is nothing to be ashamed about - we are part of the same tribe.  

Spring told us about a tribe in Afrika where when tribe members commit a crime, the entire village stands around them for days and showers them with love and reminders of their most redeeming and precious qualities - rather than punishing them, they take the time and care to remind them of their natural goodness inside.  We then acted out a rendition of this idea - and hearing everyone's encouraging comments about me and sharing loving comments with each of of the other participants made me feel really warm and grateful inside.

All in all, it was a wonderful day – and a wonderful reminder of how much opportunity there is for connection in my life – even while I am in between relationships and on this celibate path.  When we finished the day today, I felt a great sense of fullness and joy – and I felt truly loved – basically the same way that I felt six years ago today when I stood under that tent surrounded by those near and dear to my heart.   I felt love in my heart for myself, for those in the room with me, for my friends and family and loved ones scattered throughout the country, and for all beings.  And I felt their love with me in return.

What a wonderful way to come full circle – to learn that it is possible to find that same fullness and joy in more than one setting – in fact, I am discovering that it is possible to find that fullness and joy in many settings – sitting by myself writing this blog knowing that those of you out there in CyberSpace are reading it (thank you!); sharing vivencias with my fellow Biodanza participants, revealing layers of myself in interactive retreat settings; and even sitting by myself doing lovingkindness meditation (although it is still a challenging practice for me!).  What a relief and sense of freedom to know that we are not limited to feeling fullness and joy in only one setting – love and connection are ready and available all around us – we just have to see and appreciate them and be ready to open ourselves up and take them in.

To close for this evening, I am going to share two favorites of mine. 

First, down way below is the link to a YouTube clip of one of my favorite songs by Maria Taylor – "A Good Start".  Whenever I listen to this song, I am reminded of how interconnected we all are – and how interconnected life is – the ups and the downs, friends and foes – they are all part of the same universe – and all each of us can do is try to be present and give our best in every moment.

Second, this is a set of quotes / dialogue from one of my favorite movies, Contact, with Jodie Foster and a bunch of other great actors.  The movie came out in the late 1990’s and is based on Carl Sagan’s work.  In it, Jodie Foster is a scientist who studies space to see if there are any signs of life out there beyond our planet (which science increasingly suggests there is).  She initially considers herself a scientist and therefore above faith and anything unable to be proven by fact.  This causes her conflict with “Palmer,” a minister referenced in the quote for whom she has a love interest (played by Matthew McConaughey). 

Jodie (Ms. Arroway) and the other earthlings are sent a communication from space which gives instructions for building an elaborate space travel machine to connect with their community – and in an elaborate dreamey like sequence, she does – even  though it looks to all bystanders like the spaceship crashed, the mission failed, and she is crazy.  She “returns to earth” to share her story for the world and is brought before a key panel to testify regarding what happened.  

As Jodie's character testifies below – she comes to realize that faith and science may not be so separate after all – and she does her best in her own way to reassure all of us that there is life out there and we are not alone in this universe (as she has previously felt all of our life).   This dialogue encapsulates my favorite part of the movie – and one of the main reasons that it is one of my favorite movies – I encourage you to see it if you haven’t yet had the opportunity – either way, enjoy this quote (courtesy of IMDB.com).  I also found the actual clip on Youtube and attached if below for those of you who have access to video and sound.

 Panel member: Doctor Arroway, you come to us with no evidence, no record, no artifacts. Only a story that to put it mildly strains credibility. Over half a trillion dollars was spent, dozens of lives were lost. Are you really going to sit there and tell us we should just take this all... on faith?
[pause, Ellie looks at Palmer]

Michael Kitz: Please answer the question, doctor.

Ellie Arroway: Is it possible that it didn't happen? Yes. As a scientist, I must concede that, I must volunteer that.

Michael Kitz: Wait a minute, let me get this straight. You admit that you have absolutely no physical evidence to back up your story.

Ellie Arroway: Yes.

Michael Kitz: You admit that you very well may have hallucinated this whole thing.

Ellie Arroway: Yes.

Michael Kitz: You admit that if you were in our position, you would respond with exactly the same degree of incredulity and skepticism!

Ellie Arroway: Yes!

Michael Kitz: [standing, angrily] Then why don't you simply withdraw your testimony, and concede that this "journey to the center of the galaxy," in fact, never took place! 

Ellie Arroway: Because I can't. I... had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision... of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater then ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone! I wish... I... could share that... I wish, that everyone, if only for one... moment, could feel... that awe, and humility, and hope. But... That continues to be my wish.

Link to the Quotes from IMBD 

Contact - Video Clip

A Good Start - Maria Taylor

 

On Loving Yourself and Embracing Your Personal Brand - Right Now

Several weeks ago, I gave a presentation to a local job search support group on “How to Discover and Market Your Personal Brand.”  If you are interested in viewing it, you can do so here: How to Discover and Market Your Personal Brand.

As I was putting together this presentation, I noticed myself feeling some anxiety about putting myself and my brand out there – I felt like somehow it was premature to discuss my brand while I still consider myself a work in progress.  Authenticity is important to me and important to branding – and I didn’t want to somehow misrepresent that I'm some expert who has it all together when I don’t - I'm just as imperfect as everyone else.  There was an inclination to assume that I should wait to present who I am and what my key strengths and contributions are until I have everything 100% figured out – until I have finally “made it.”

Similarly, on the dating front, many of you know that I am currently focusing on trying to stay single and celibate and get really comfortable with myself – before I re-open myself to love and enter the dating pool once again.  At times, I find myself making a list of all of the things I need to do before I will someday be prepared to meet my next life partner – e.g. I want to cultivate a regular meditation practice, figure out which hobbies are most important to me, develop a regular cleaning / housework routine, figure which qualities I am really looking for in a mate, and grow saavy and confident at knowing and speaking my truth so that I can address conflict in a timely manner.  That is a lot of accomplish before I am “ready” for love!

Have any of you ever made lists like these in your life?  For example, are any of you waiting until you do “X” (make partner, buy a house, finish your degree) before you have kids?  Are you any of you waiting to do “Y” until you propose or get married?  Are any of you waiting to get to “Z” before you have the courage to open your own business or branch off into your dream career? 

I bet you have…we all have ways of robbing ourselves of the present moment, of delaying gratitude, of withholding love from ourselves until we achieve our inner critic’s demands… but what if you have already arrived?  What if all we ever really have is right now?  If you knew that this was going to be the last week of your life - how much would you or I care about all of the things on our list?   Would we be ready to set aside our excuses and pursue our dreams later - or right now?  Would we be ready for love later – or right now? 

This afternoon, I attended a Young Adult Dharma Council Retreat with Howard Cohn on love and how we open and close ourselves to expressing and receiving it.  As part of the retreat, we worked with the idea of lovingkindness – giving love and kindness to others and ourselves.  For many of us, giving love to ourselves is the hardest part.

As part of my healing and growth process, I’ve been loosely following the 12 steps, and several of those steps deal with making amends to others you have harmed in your life with your dysfunctional behaviors.  Through recent reflection, I have determined that my conflict avoidance, disorganization, and discomfort with being alone have allowed me to bring harm to several individuals in my life – mainly ex-partners and old friends.   This past week, I wrote them emails to apologize for what I have done and say my peace.  While I wouldn’t say doing that was easy, it actually felt fairly natural for me to do so once I put my mind to it. 

The harder thing for me to do is make amends to myself – to forgive myself, quit being so hard on myself, quit holding myself to such a high standard – particularly when I am focusing on all of the negative patterns that I have brought to my life so far!  Bringing love and care to myself is less easy to do – my perfectionist and people pleasing tendencies run deep and get in the way of truly honoring and appreciating me – accepting and loving myself just for who I am – right now – no improvements necessary.

This afternoon at the retreat we learned a new lovingkindness technique that worked really well for me.  Howard (or Howie as they like to call him) told us that when we are having difficulty feeling lovingkindness towards ourselves in meditation to instead picture people in our live who love and support us unconditionally or times in our life when we have felt loved and supported unconditionally and bring those feelings and images to mind.  For example, picture those people giving you a big warm hug or caressing you or gently showering their love and attention upon you.   In my case, I pictured my mom and dad, my good friends here and across the country, and my Biodanza circle, and I immediately felt a dramatic positive change in my constitution.

We then had the opportunity to draw a picture to capture those feelings or one of those experiences that we brought to mind, and I drew the following picture of our Biodanza circle from class:

We then had the opportunity to share our picture and our feelings with a partner and later the class at large – and I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and true feeling of connection – to the people I had pictured in my reflection and my drawing as well as the people in the class with me and the world at large. 

Someone asked the teacher why it is so much harder for us to love and care for others rather than ourselves, and he said that he heard of a recent Harvard Researcher Amy Cuddy who has found that people evaluate other people based on how warm and kind they are while they evaluate themselves by how competent they are (the article/blog that I believe he was referencing is linked here: Matter Over Mind).  

If you changed the game and focused on how warm and kind you are rather than how competent you are, how would things change?  It might not change your entire life but it certainly might change your experience of the present – which is all we really have in the end.

On my journey of self-discovery, I am learning that the destination is less important the myriad of stops and experiences along the way.  If we rush hell-bent to get to the end of the journey, we’ll miss the magic and wonder – the turns and twists up and down and along the way.  What is that saying?  Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans?

I’ll close for now with one of my other favorite sets of voiceover quotes from Grey’s Anatomy episodes.  These ones are from Episode 5.23 – the season finale of Season Five when Meredith Grey's fellow intern George dies and the life of her fellow intern Izzie hangs in the balance – an episode that brought me to tears the first time I saw it – and one that brought home to me just how special everyone in my life – near and far – are to me – and how precious every moment is.  For those of you who know me personally – thank you for the moments we have shared together and the way that you have changed my life for the better by being in it.

Opening:

Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future. Planning it. Working toward it. But at some point, you start to realize, your life is happening now, not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it, it’s here. Blink, and you’ll miss it. 

Closing:

Did you say it? I love you? I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life… did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

I lied - one last thing - I’ve included the link to a song which I’ve been listening to lately which really brings these sentiments for me to mind  – “Everything, All at Once” by Correatown.  It’s less panic-inducing then the voiceovers; more peaceful – it sets my mind at ease while reminding me what's important.  You can listen to it via YouTube below: