This blog is intended to share my personal and career development journey so that others interested in self improvement or on their own personal journeys may benefit from my experiences.
In this blog, I will do my best to give updates and reflections regarding my adventures and share useful resources that I encounter which my be beneficial to others as well!
Keywords: Personal Growth, Intuition, Biodanza, Yoga, Dharma, Choices, Life Lessons
The other night in Biodanza class, our facilitator led us in
a vivencia of breaking down walls (figuratively) to “Reach” by Gloria Estefan. The song came out around the
1996 Olympics to honor the athletes who had spent their whole lives training
for that very moment – to compete in the games and fulfill their dreams. Among the many powerful lyrics, Gloria
sings:
“Some dreams live on
in time forever
Those dreams, you want with all
Your heart
And I'll do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine
If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment
In my life
I'm gonna be stronger
Know that I've tried my
Very best
I'd put my spirit to the test
If I could reach”
I too have a dream, and I was listening to the song and throwing myself
into the dance I found myself really motivated by her words. In my work as an Academic Success Coach, I
deal in dreams every day – my life’s work is dedicated to helping students
discover their dreams and achieve them.
My life is dedicated to helping students break down whatever walls or
obstacles are in their way so that they can go out into the world and make it a
better place.
In Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In, she aims to fire up a new
generation of women leaders by asking, “What would you do if you were not afraid?” I often ask my students this very same question. Answering this question helped me years ago to transition from a cushy corporate job to serving students in higher education. But lately there is something bigger
calling to me – my ultimate bucket list item.
My ultimate vision quest. My
ultimate feat of bravery. Something
that frightens me to the core but from which I cannot turn away.
The past few months, I’ve
been reading a lot of books that deal with courage and vulnerability and
determination. I too feel like I am
training for my own personal marathon – or for a long-distance hike like the
one my new guru, Cheryl Strayed did and wrote about in her critically acclaimed
memoir, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail.
In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown (p. 1) encourages us to stop standing
in the sidelines and get in the ring.
She reminds us of Theodore Roosevelt’s words:
“It is not the
critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or
where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The
credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who face is marred by
dust and sweat and blood: who strives valiantly…who at the best knows in the
end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least
fails while daring greatly.”
So…what is it that I want to do?
What is my ultimate dream?
To climb Mt. Everest? To
backpack through Africa? To sacrifice
everything for my art? These are all
noble dreams, but none is as important to me as this:
I want to become a mom. I
want to bring a new human being into the world and nurture it and care for it and support it through its journey into adulthood. If I’m lucky, I’d like to
bring two new human beings into the world and shape them and my husband into a
family. That may not sound like a big
deal, but to me that is huge – that is one big, hairy audacious goal.
My Vision Board
My husband and I have been
trying to have kids for a year and it has not happened yet. Some days I think that it will never happen
and some days I think our time is right around the corner. Only God knows that answer to that.
As more time passes, my
desire and fear grow neck and neck. The
sleep deprivation factor scares me; the never-ending nature of parenthood
scares me; the heart-wrenching emotional exhaustion scare me.
Yet, I am fascinated by
parenting and kids and human development.
When I’m around a baby or little kid, I can’t keep my eyes off of him or
her. I love to play with my friends and
relative’s kids, and I try to help out moms and dads in whatever ways I
can. A new acquaintance asked me
recently how many books I have read about babies and parenthood, and I told her
about 50. She seemed shocked, but I actually think
that that was an understatement.
The more I read, the more profound respect I have for all of the
parents out there in the world. I
was fascinated reading The Mommy Brain:How Motherhood Makes Us Stronger as the author described how your brain and
body shift when you become a caregiver to make you better prepared for
the task. Your senses become sharper;
you become able to endure more; you need less sleep. Like
the Olympic athletes Gloria Estefan was singing about in “Reach,” moms (and
dads) actually grow stronger.
Motherhood is the ultimate
invitation to confront our dark sides, to confront the ugliest parts of ourselves,
the things that we would rather forget and push aside. In Laura Gutman’s Maternity: Coming Face to Face with Your Own Shadow (p. 27), she
writes:
“With a mother’s soul exposed in the body of
her baby, we are able to see more clearly the crises that have been kept
inside, the feelings we have not dared to admit, the knots which continue to
entangle our lives, the items which are still pending solution, what we reject,
what we feel is untimely.”
While I love to be around
kids, I am acutely aware that I have never babysat for a child overnight.I know in my head that it is excruciatingly
hard to raise a child. I know that when
I babysit for my little friend Dmitri that I get to unwind and read a book or
watch TV after his mom picks him up while she probably has many more hours of
work ahead of her. I know that my
husband and I have life pretty good right now.
I recall my friend Brooke writing on Facebook soon after she had her
son:
“3 things I have learned about
parenting: 1. It is the babysitting job that never ends!!! 2. You have to
really love your career [because] that is the only long break you get during
the day. 3. Getting a smile from your baby makes all the poopy diapers, spit up
and crying all worth it!!”
So
why do I want to do it all? Why be a
mom? Why not continue my life of
cocktail parties and reading books and sleeping in and doing whatever I want
whenever I want to do it? That would certainly be the easier way. Maybe that’s what God is trying to guide me
towards by not granting my wish to conceive.
Even so, I just can’t let go. For
me, motherhood is the ultimate adventure, the ultimate long-distance hike –
it’s a journey that would take me to the absolute end of my ropes…but
ultimately be the best thing that I ever did.
“…you’ll
have a baby. An amazing little being
who will blow your mind and expand your heart and make you think things you
never thought and remember things you believed you forgot, and heal things you
never imagined you would heal and forgive people you’ve begrudged for too long
and understand things you didn’t understand before you fell madly in love with
a tiny tyrant who doesn’t give a damn whether you need to pee. You will sing again if you stopped singing. You will dance again if you stopped
dancing. You will crawl around on the
floor and play chase and tickle and peek-a-boo.”
The front book jacket for Cheryl’s book
Wild says, “Wild vividly captures the terrors and pleasures of one young woman
forging ahead against all odds on a journey that maddened, strengthened, and
ultimately healed her.” That’s how I envision raising a child would be. That’s why I want to do it more than I have ever wanted to do anything else in my life.
If
I don’t have kids, I may interact with children and love them, but I will never
ever be someone’s mother. Only a mom (or sometimes dad) has the privilege and
responsibility of being someone’s key source of love and security in the
world. Only a parent serves as someone's main anchor in the uncertain seas of life. I love watching little kids go off to play and then run back to their parent for a mommy or daddy refill. I want to be that refill. Without becoming a mom, I will
stay stuck in my ways, stuck in my own small world, stuck in the world as a
grown woman child. To die that way in
forty or fifty years would be the ultimate waste of my life (in my opinion), no
matter how many countries I saw or books I wrote or classes I taught or fancy titles
I got.
Almost everything that I have been
working on for the past five years has been in preparation to be the best
Me and My Cousin Emma!
possible mom that I can be. I’ve read
books, I’ve meditated, I’ve exercised, I’ve done my best to eat healthy, I’ve
made friends, I’ve saved money. I have tried to be the best woman that I can
be – and I still fear that it is not enough, that I am not strong enough, that
part of the reason I am not a mom is because there is something wrong with me
– something about me that is not qualified enough for the big leagues. Hopefully that is not the case.
“The
sketches of your real life and your sister life are right there before you and
you get to decide what to do. One is the
life you’ll have; the other is the one you won’t. Switch them around in your head and see how
it feels. Which affects you on a
visceral level? Which won’t let you
go? Which is ruled by fear? Which is ruled by desire? Which makes you want to close your eyes and
jump and which makes you want to turn and run?"
As
much as it scares me, the idea of having kids does not make me want to run. It doesn’t even make me want to close my eyes and jump. At this stage in my journey
with fertility, it isn’t a matter of closing my eyes and jumping, it is a
matter of reaching. Reaching with every
fiber of my being, reaching in the way that Gloria Estefan expresses in her
song. As she
says:
“…I'll
do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine.”
Hopefully my dream will come true, and I will have the
chance to rise to the challenge and step into the ring – to give motherhood the
very best shot that I can.
I hope with all of my heart that that is the case.
In the meantime,
while I’m waiting for my chance to join you, I wish to honor all of the mothers
in my life and in the world – my friends, coworkers, aunts, cousins, in-laws,
my grandma, and no one more so than my own
mom, who raised me with all of the love in her heart and every strength and bit of energy in
her being.
Mom - I Love You - Happy Mother's Day!
To mothers who are right in the thick of it and mothers
whose children are grown, you all have my deepest respect and admiration. To me, you are Olympic Athletes, Amazon Women, and Fearless Leaders in a world that desperately needs the courage and
vulnerability and strength that you demonstrate every day. You
inspire me and you give me courage and hope for the future. I hope to walk in your shoes someday, and I have very big shoes to fill.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Here are the full lyrics to Reach - and the Youtube video:
Some Dreams Live On In Time Forever Those Dreams You Want With All Your Heart And I'll Do Whatever It Takes Follow Through With The Promise I Made Put It All On The Line What I Hoped For At Last Would Be Mine
If I Could Reach Higher Just For One Moment Touch The Sky From That One Moment In My Life I'm Gonna Be Stronger Know That I've Tried My Very Best I'd Put My Spirit To The Test If I Could Reach
Some Days Are Meant To Be Remembered Those Days We Rise Above The Stars So I'll Go The Distance This Time Seeing More The Higher I Climb That The More I Believe All The More That This Dream Will Be Mine
If I Could Reach Higher Just For One Moment Touch The Sky From That One Moment In My Life I'm Gonna Be Stronger Know That I've Tried My Very Best I'd Put My Spirit To The Test If I Could Reach
If I Could Reach Higher Just For One Moment Touch The Sky I'm Goona Be Stronger From That One Moment In My Life I'm Gonna Be So Much Stronger Yes I Am Know That I've Tried My Very Best I'd Put My Spirit To The Test If I Could Reach Higher If I Could If I Could If I Could Reach Reach I'd Reach I'd Reach I'd Reach' I'd Reach So Much Higher Be Stronger
I haven’t completely given up on this blog, but it has been
a while since I have written - apologies to my readers!Today I am
feeling nostalgic and figured I’d share some of what has been on my mind
lately.I’m currently in the process of
moving across town to live with my new husband and am also part of a new office
and department at work – in almost every phase of my life, things are shifting
and changing, mostly for the better.
My AGD Girls in College!
One side effect of all of this change and transition is it
is reminding me of the phases and people and memories that have come before
this current one.I find myself
pondering a line from Nelly Furtado’s song, “Try.”It goes, “I have lived so many lives, though
I’m not old…”That quote really
resonates with me – as I think back over the years to my childhood and high
school days in the Chicago suburbs, undergraduate days in Indiana,
post-undergraduate days in Cincinnati, grad school days in Columbus, Girly Girl
days when I first moved to San Francisco, then my Geek Love days in San
Francisco, and now my Biodanza days in San Francisco.I’ve also had many wonderful colleagues come
and go throughout that time.
In addition to the friends and acquaintances that I’ve made
through activities and other things directly related to me, I’ve also formed
relationships over the years through people that I’ve dated – my first husband,
my post-divorce relationships, and now through my second husband.
On one hand, I feel blessed and grateful for all of these
friendships –and I’m still friends with many of these individuals on Facebook
and through other virtual means.I enjoy
catching up on what they are up to and cheer them on as they get new jobs, new
relationships, and now as many of them become parents.
But, I am also aware that as I have moved around and across
the country and as I have moved out of these various phases and love
relationships that my connection with many of these friends has weakened over
the years.Most of the fault for that lies with me. I am unfailingly bad at
maintaining long-distance relationships – and often have trouble picking up the phone and
calling people who even live in the same city as me.
I suspect that I am not alone in this quandary – or at least
I hope I am not.In this day and age, it seems to be not unusual to have wide networks of acquaintances and online connections
but few deep, lifelong core friendships.I don’t quite know how to fix this – it seems to take up most of my
energy just to make time to go home and reconnect with my family in Chicago
each year – I worry even that those relationships suffer from my distance away.
I saw a cartoon on Facebook the other day that showed
someone’s wake with only one person there in the audience discussing how
surprised they were to see the place empty because the person has so many
friends on Facebook.I laughed – but I
also secretly cringed wondering if that will be me someday.
Do you think this technology that we have is a blessing or a
curse?On one hand, it is a lifeline for
me because I still keep up with friends around my phone on my smartphone on the
bus, but maybe it is also a curse because it lulls me into a false sense of
security – it gives me a false impression that I am “keeping up my friendships”
when really I am missing some deeper, more authentic way to do it.
My husband is a master at calling his friends frequently –
he is constantly chatting with people on the phone and making plans to see them
and talking about what is going on in their lives – I am really inspired
watching him and suspect that he is on to something, but also exhausted
watching him.When I come work at the
end of the day or am relaxing after a long work week of working with students,
the last thing I want to do is pick up the phone and call someone.Yet, who has more close friendships?Who has friendships that have lasted a
lifetime?
Someone passed me a quote once that said something like,
“Friendships are there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”I really like that quote – and I also like
that you can’t predict in advance which of the three will be true for your
relationships.I do hope to make some
close friendships with fellow moms when I have kids someday and have heard that
those can be some of the closest friendships.
Still, how do you make and keep those friendships that do
last for a lifetime?And, how do you
know where to even start?Which phase of
your life do you pull from?Should you
focus on the people that you click the most with?The people who are available the most?The people who live closest to you?
My Wonderful Bridesmaids
So many people over the years are near and dear to my heart
(hopefully some of you reading this), and it is not for lack of love that I
don’t keep in touch better.I wish I was
stronger at maintaining friendships and I do get lonely sometimes.I was just listening to the song, “Now and
Forever” by Carole King and really teared up – somehow this latest round of
transitions is really bringing up old memories and making me miss my friends
near and far more than usual - even as I'm busy organizing and packing and taking care of logistics.
My Wonderful Family
I do think about moving back to the Midwest, too – and maybe
I will someday.I spend my life feeling
torn between two coasts.I love my job
and the work that I do out here at the University of San Francisco, I love the
weather out here (esp. when it’s not foggy), and I love the culture and
opportunities available out in San Francisco.But, I miss being closer to the people I love in the Midwest and being
able to drive to Bloomington or Louisville or Cincinnati for a road trip.I miss being able to really be there for and
with my friends who have kids – to experience more than just the pictures or an
occasional visit.I miss casual
get togethers with friends – birthday parties and potlucks and holiday
celebrations other than the big ones.When I have my own family, I desperately want them to experience the
kind of love and camaraderie that I grew up with.
What will the future hold?I don’t know – I suspect that this problem isn’t going to go away and
that I will be torn between two coasts for more than a little while.After all, even I did move back to Chicago, I
would be missing the life and the connections that I have out here.
My Wonderful Mom - She Is My Best Friend!
I don’t have any easy answers – but I try to be open and
honest on this blog.And, this is what
is on my mind today – and has been for a while now.For those of you that I know personally, I
miss you – and I hope that we get to connect more soon.You are very important to me, and I cherish
the memories that we have together.
For those of you that I don’t know personally, hopefully
this has raised some questions or made you think more deeply about a
predicament that I believe is emblematic of the age we are in – as life flies
by and connections come and go, how you make and maintain friendships across a
lifetime?Are Twitter and Facebook the
answer – or is there something more that we are missing?
Nelly Furtado - "Try"
Carole King - "Now and Forever"
Now and Forever Lyrics
Songwriters: KING, CAROLE
Now and forever, you are a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knife
Didn't we find the ecstasy, didn't we share the daylight
When you walked into my life
Now and forever, I'll remember
All the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken
We had a moment, just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do all we got to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you
Didn't we come together, didn't we live together
Didn't we cry together
Didn't we play together, didn't we love together
And together we lit up the world
I miss the tears, I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed after Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you
Now and forever, I will always be with you
Like many of you out there reading this, I started 2012 with a few New Year’s Resolutions that I would like to achieve. In addition to building on the life balance that I cultivated in 2011, I have set these specific intentions for myself:
1.Exercise more regularly and vigorously – ideally in activities that bring me joy.
2.Eat a healthier diet – i.e. fewer processed foods, more veggies, less sugar, less red meat/pork.
3.Develop a more regular meditation practice – ideally meditating 5+ times / week.
Of course, none of these intentions are things that I wasn’t already striving towards in 2011 and none are them are completely out of whack with what I am already doing. Plus, there are some other ancillary goals that I am continuing to work towards, too – like being an effective contributor at work, keeping my place organized, staying better on top of the laundry, etc.
Still, I took an inventory of how I am “doing” against my ideal “balance-o-meter” and determined that if I can add these three key habits to the mix in 2012, I will have more health and wellness and my life will be in greater balance.
After the first two days of the New Year, I was off to a good start – and feeling excited. I went to my weekly meditation group on Sunday night (Jan 1st) and had a really good sit. Then, on Monday (Jan 2nd), I spent my last day of Winter Break cleaning my apartment, shopping for healthy foods, and attending a challenging Aharaj / Vinyasa Yoga class at my favorite studio. I felt energized and confident that with two productive days under my belt and an organized and ready living space, I couldn’t help but achieve my New Year’s Resolutions.
Unfortunately, life had other plans for me, and on Day 3 of the New Year (Tuesday), I headed back to work and within hours came down with a full-blown cold virus. Not an “ Oh, I’ll just suffer through this minor annoyance” sniffle-ly cold, but a full-on, get the tissues ready, nose-blowing, sneezing, achy, “Get me some NyQuil! “cold which took me right back home from work and into bed for most of the week.
For the first day or so, I was devastated by this turn of events. I railed against the universe, threw myself a pity party, and bemoaned my fate. What about that new Hip Hop class I was going to start? What about getting a jump-start on projects that needed to get done at work? How could I handle losing momentum on my New Year’s Resolutions? What did I do wrong to deserve being sick so soon into 2012?
From there, I proceeded to get angry with myself about not handling this turn of events in a very “Zen-like” spirit. I felt like a Bad Buddhist, a Resolution Failure, a Germ Bucket, and a Loser. Basically, for the third and fourth day of the New Year, I was not a very pleasant person to be around (bless my boyfriend's heart for putting up with me) – and I was definitely not a glowing example of progress. The perfectionist part of me was not a happy camper.
Now that my days of pouting have passed and I am slowly starting to rejoin the land of the living, I’ve been reflecting on this situation and recalling some of the teachings that this episode exemplifies.
First of all, I told this story to a Buddhist friend on the bus this week, and as soon as I finished relating what happened, he immediately noted what a wonderful example of the Four Noble Truths it was. I hadn’t fully thought about it, but he is totally right – this story is an excellent example of the first two noble truths of Buddhism. Sylvia Boorstein gives this insightful description of the first two noble truths in her book, It’s Easier Than You Think: The Buddhist Way to Happiness (p. 19)
“The First Noble Truth declares unflinchingly, straight out, that pain is inherent in life itself just because everything is changing. The Second Noble Truth explains that suffering is what happens when we struggle with whatever our life experience is rather than accepting and opening to our experience. From this point of view, there’s a big difference between pain and suffering. Pain is inevitable; lives come with pain. Suffering is not inevitable. If suffering is what happens when we struggle with our experience because of our inability to accept it, then suffering is an optional extra.”
Looking at my illness from this perspective, my being sick was not the cause of my suffering. Being sick was unfortunate, yes. But, what was really making me miserable was my initial refusal to accept that my New Year’s Resolutions and goals weren’t going off as planned and my frustration at myself for somehow doing something wrong and “getting myself sick.” Beyond drinking fluids and resting, there wasn’t much I could do to make my body heal faster – but I had a powerful opportunity to stop my suffering about being sick.
David Richo uses his years of experience as a psychotherapist and Buddhist practitioner to describe these truths in layman’s terms. According to him, we can greatly increase our happiness, freedom, and fulfillment by embracing five “givens” of human existence:
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1.Everything Changes and Ends
2.Things Do Not Always Go According to Plan
3.Life Is Not Always Fair
4.Pain is a Part of Life
5.People Are Not Always Loving and Loyal All the Time
During the early part of this week, the only one of his five givens that I wasn’t complaining about was #5 - luckily the people around me were great. Otherwise, I was upset that my Winter Break and illness-free state were ending; I was upset that my New Year’s Resolutions weren’t off to the start that I planned, I was upset that I keep coming down with colds even though I work hard to have healthy living habits, and I was upset that I kept blowing my nose and sneezing my head off every two seconds.
According to Dr. Richo, it’s not just that these five givens are unfortunate and we need to learn to “deal with them” in order to be happy. He takes it a step further to explain why we should actually be glad that these five givens exist – because endings clear the way to new beginnings, and changes in plan can lead to serendipitous opportunities, and pain is a a powerful teacher which can lead us to empathy and compassion and wisdom if we let it.
When we spend endless energy trying to control our experience (as I often to) by strictly abiding to resolutions, hanging on to jobs and relationships for dear life, and planning every moment of our life down to the smallest detail, we miss the opportunity say “Yes” to whatever opportunities comes our way.
Doris Day
As Dr. Richo puts it (p. 13), “To focus on being in control hinders our chances of finding the new possibilities that arise when surprising directions appear on our path.” He mentions several examples of famous people who stumbled upon their destiny after a wrong turn came their way – like Doris Day whose injury ended her dreams of being a dancer but cleared the path towards her becoming a famous singer/actress and Margaret Mitchell whose injury held back her journalism career but cleared the way for her to stay home and write the novel Gone with the Wind, her legacy to the world.
Braised Spinach - Yum!
In my own case, staying home this week allowed me to enjoy several opportunities that might not have otherwise come my way. For instance, by being at home, I was able to experiment with cooking several new healthy dishes and get my eating resolution off to a good start. Also, by being able to work from home a few days instead of jumping right back into the office right away, I was able to better prioritize which task items needed attention right away and start this first week of the New Year in a more proactive rhythm rather than falling into my usual habit of clearing my Email Inbox first, meeting with students, or procrastinating when I really should be devoting time to getting projects done. Finally, who knows what other opportunities I may have set into motion by getting sick and staying home this week – sometimes our karma and destinies aren't revealed until later down the line.
All in all, if you are also working on some New Year’s Resolutions or goals of your own, I encourage you to remember these noble truths and givens and try not to be so hard on yourself. In the end, January 1st is just a figment of our imagination and a date that we put on the calendar. Each moment is an opportunity for a fresh start, and sometimes a “mistake” or “wrong turn” can actually lead to greater gifts.
Beautiful Oops!
I gave my little niece/cousin a book for Christmas this year called, “Beautiful Oops” in an effort to encourage that very spirit and openness to life in her as she grows up in our high-pressure society. Barney Salzburg's key message is, "When you think you have made a mistake, think of it as an opportunity to make something beautiful." It’s full of fun little examples of art that can be created by a folded piece of paper or an Ink Stain or other “Oops” that both big kids and little kids make from time to time. If you have any little kids in your life, I encourage you to check it out with them!
For now, I leave you with this quote from the Five Things book. I’ll also leave you with several songs/videos that strangely (loosely) seem to convey this theme of accepting life and finding beauty in unexpected places. Enjoy!
“May I trust the forces that help me know who I am and where I am going, and may all those who doubt themselves and disregard their destiny likewise be surrounded by inescapable evidence of their limitless identity and destiny (Richo, Five Things, p. 33).”
Beautiful Oops - a Video Read-a-long for the Barney Salzburg Book
"Try" by Nelly Furtado (note - this one is more subtly connected related)
"This Too Shall Pass" by Ok Go (Rube Goldberg Machine Version)
As a recovering perfectionist, I sometimes have a tendency to fear the unknown and succumb to decision paralysis – risk-taking and spontaneity are not natural impulses for me, although I cherish new adventures and opportunities.
The Cowardly Lion = Me :)
Since getting divorced a few years ago, I find that I am more risk averse than I was in my early 20’s. The thought of branching out in a new career direction or someday opening my own business seems scary because as a single woman I am fully responsible for supporting myself in the world. If I jump ship or make a move unwisely, I might find myself without a roof over my head or scrambling to find my next meal – at the very least, I might end up needing to leave California and beg my parents to let me stay with them in Chicago for a little while. Luckily, I am pleased with the direction that my current position is going in at USF – I just wonder if it will someday fit with my lifestyle if I have kids and want to spend more time with them – or if I someday want to advance to higher level positions.
On the romance front, I am even more unsure of myself – after all, I’ve now seen two serious relationships disintegrate from love and promise and potential to criticism, contempt and disappointment.
How am I to trust when someone professes their affection and admiration for me that they will still be doing so months or years down the line when the honeymoon fades and the work of relationship begins? Will they roll up their sleeves and fight with me to find middle ground and make a partnership work? Could I someday trust them enough to have kids and raise a family with them? Would I be making a mistake by opening my heart to yet another person? These are the thoughts that now run through my head when I meet a new dating prospect. Sexy, right?
I wonder if some of you reading this blog have experienced similar fears about making a mistake…on either the career or the romance front. If so, what has been helpful for you? How have you let yourself be paralyzed by fear or have you found a way to cope with these doubts?
One thing that I have found very helpful lately is the work of John Krumboltz and Al Levin on Career Happenstance – most notably featured in the book, Luck is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career. This theory focuses on the idea that unplanned events, or chance occurrences lead to unexpected life directions and career choices and often have more influence on our lives than all of our careful planning efforts. This theory suggests that there are no mistakes – just opportunities to learn from experiences and move in new directions – and says that it is never too late to change directions – and there is no need to stick with a plan that is no longer working with you.
Krumboltz and Levin encourage readers to be aware of their surroundings for possible opportunities, take risks even when rejection is a possible outcome, and be adaptable and open-minded – basically go with the flow of what life throws at you. They encourage people to try out possible career opportunities through job shadows, internships, night classes and other means before making a final decision and not to be afraid to turn back if those experiences turn out to be less enjoyable than anticipated.
While most of the examples in the book are career-oriented, I think the ideas of the theory have applications for love as well – after all, how many people talk about meeting their sweetheart while on a business trip or in a new workout class or on some chance occasion?
In reassuring readers to take risks and try things even without knowing the outcome, Krumboltz shares this passage in the book that I find particularly encouraging:
“If you try something new, you may succeed or you may fail, you may like it or you may hate it, you may make new friends or even enemies, and you may produce consequences that you never expected – including some that you may never even know about. Trying something new is a risk. You don’t know in advance what the result will be…However, if you want to be absolutely sure about your results, there is one thing you can do – nothing! When you do nothing, you can be sure that nothing will result.”
I love that idea – no matter what you do, there is a chance that you will fail – you could fail or you could succeed beyond your wildest dreams. As Pema Chodron often reminds us, we have no idea what is going to happen in life – we don’t know what the results of our actions will be. But…if you lock yourself in your apartment and do nothing… it is pretty certain that nothing is going to happen.
This perspective gives me encouragement to get out there in the world…try new hobbies…take new classes…learn new skills…meet new people personally and professionally. Visit new places – after all, I just visited Madison, Wisconsin this week and met some cool new people – who knows, maybe I will someday end up living in Madison – then again, maybe not? It is good to have it as an option, though…and I believe I’m better off for having had a new adventure rather than sticking only to the familiar and comfortable.
Even if you do “make a mistake,” as long as you keep a learning perspective, it is not a lost opportunity. While I do regret getting divorced in my 20’s and having had a recent relationship break-up, I can also attest that some of my greatest life lessons have come from those experiences, and I am a better, stronger person for having had them.
So, if you are considering taking a risk and jumping in to a new adventure – in love, career, or any other area of your life – I say go for it – give life a chance to deliver you the opportunity of your dreams and continue your path of lifelong learning. You never know what will happen but you do not if you give in to your doubts and hold yourself back, what will happen – nothing!
In closing, I am including one of my favorite quotes from growing up that relates to this idea and a link to the video for “I Hope You Dance” an old favorite of mine from Lee Ann Womack – Enjoy!
"Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth."- William Purkey
I Hope You Dance lyrics Songwriters: Sanders, Mark D.; Sillers, Tia;
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger May you never take one single breath for granted God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance Never settle for the path of least resistance Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter When you come close to selling out reconsider Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance [| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lee-ann-womack-lyrics/i-hope-you-dance-lyrics.html |]
I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always) I hope you dance (Rolling us along) I hope you dance (Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder) I hope you dance (Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance I hope you dance (Dance) I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always) I hope you dance (Rolling us along) I hope you dance (Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder) I hope you dance (Where those years have gone)
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder (Dance) Where those years have gone (Dance)
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