This blog is intended to share my personal and career development journey so that others interested in self improvement or on their own personal journeys may benefit from my experiences.
In this blog, I will do my best to give updates and reflections regarding my adventures and share useful resources that I encounter which my be beneficial to others as well!
Keywords: Personal Growth, Intuition, Biodanza, Yoga, Dharma, Choices, Life Lessons
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a wonderful Biodanza weekend retreat up at Harbin Hot Springs called “Heaven On Earth” – basically it was a workshop about affectivity and sensuality/sexuality, two of the key themes that Biodanza works with.
When I first signed up for the weekend, I did not think very consciously about the topic that it was about – I was just eager to center my life more around activities that bring me joy – and Biodanza brings an overflowing amount of joy and connection into my life. Since November 2010, I’ve been regularly attending my Biodanza circle every Thursday night in the same safe space, with mostly the same group of people, the same fantastic teacher – my little nest.
Meanwhile, in my personal life, since breaking up with my ex-boyfriend in mid-May, I’ve really been focusing a significant amount of energy on getting comfortable being by myself and on supercharging my personal growth journey – something I am still very committed to. I’ve been putting more energy into my professional development and taking this new CareerDevelopment Facilitator training course that I’m enrolled in this summer. I’ve been trying out new and old yoga, pilates, and dance classes – a process of experimentation that I am continuing to enjoy. I’ve been getting more intensively into local Bay Area meditation groups and finding community among people who share that interest. I’ve been reading inspirational and educational books and blogs and getting into writing on this blog more than I ever thought that I would. I’ve been taking time that I never previously had to catch up on old and new Grey’s Anatomy episodes. And, I’ve been making efforts to connect more with people from my Biodanza circle outside of class.
Go See It!
These are all wonderful things that have given me a hope and reassurance that there is plenty of joy out there in the world as a single person – in fact, as a single person, the world is kind of your oyster. I certainly haven’t been locking myself away in my room by any stretch – in fact, I am overjoyed to be growing closer with some wonderful new friends. For example, I went to go see the fabulous Happy movie documentary which is slowly starting to circulate around the world with a big group of new friends on the 4th of July – a perfect way to spend the holiday in my opinion – I totally recommend seeing the movie if you have the chance.
Still, despite the fact that I’ve been growing and changing and connecting out in the world this past few months, “taking things on the road” to this Biodanza workshop and exploring the topics of affectivity and sensuality / sexuality made me realize that in my own way, I have been closing myself off and placing significant emphasis on having things be ‘safe’ – I’ve been avoiding my vulnerability in order to avoid getting hurt – in a way my trust in relationships and the inherent given and take in relationship with others has been shaken over the course of my past few romantic partnerships. Now that I’ve seen how easy it is for me to lose myself in relationship, there is a part of me that is afraid to venture down that road again.
It’s like I trust myself hitting a tennis ball against a wall and pat myself on the back for being a good “tennis player,” but the idea of actually playing a tennis match against another person seems way too complicated. That brings up the question – can you really play tennis or play the game of life and love all by yourself?
For those of you who are wondering, affectivity is basically our emotional connectivity and solidarity with other people and sensuality / sexuality is basically our overall enjoyment of sensations and pleasure in the world. For more information about it and Biodanza, I encourage you to read more here, watch the Biodanza videos, and check out a class if it ever comes to your area.
A badge from Brene Brown's website
For me, exploring these themes of affectivity and sensuality / sexuality up at Harbin Hot Springs this past weekend really opened me up in a way that I haven’t been open for quite some time – certainly not since I embarked on this more celibate, solitary path. It gave me excellent opportunities to test the new skills of standing my ground and speaking my truth that I’ve been working on and gave me many chances to let go, set my anxieties aside, and enjoy the present moment. I did Biodanza in a new space, with new people, with a new teacher – and even outside in nature from time to time – a big departure for me.
Excellent book!
This past weekend reminded me how vibrant and loving I can be while also giving me a chance to explore the topics of vulnerability which I’ve been exploring through the work of Brene Brown lately. I don’t have enough time to discuss all of her ideas today, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this woman’s work since I stumbled onto it a few weeks ago – I think she could become one of my main sources of inspiration and teachings. I’m partway through her book, The Gifts ofImperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who YouAre, and I am finding it really helpful – almost as if she has been reading my mind!
A great initial introduction to Brene’s work is through her Ted Talk video available at this link or below – I encourage you to watch it.
In a nutshell, Brene has found that people who are “Wholehearted” (as I hope to be) believe inherently that they are deserving of love and open themselves up to it even though doing so requires them to be vulnerability – they love with their whole heart and aren’t afraid to be with whatever comes up in their lives as a result. I also came across this quote of the week in her Blog archives recently, and I feel that it really speaks to some of the things I am reflecting on coming away from the workshop this past weekend. I’m sure I will speak tons more about her work on this blog in the future!
Finally, I am including a link to a great song by Modest Mouse, “Float On,” that I seem to have running through my head this morning – I find it reassuring and a great reminder to just go with the flow!
Six years ago today, on a sunny and glorious Saturday, I married my ex-husband Chris in a ceremony surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones. There was not a single cloud in the sky, and the ceremony took place in an outdoor tent overlooking a clear blue lake – I felt loved, connected, supported and full of love and gratitude for everyone around me. It appeared to be a perfect start to a lifelong journey together for my ex-husband and me.
Six years later, on an equally sunny and glorious Saturday, I spent today in the company of mostly strangers on a daylong retreat given by Spring Washam up at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Marin County, California entitled, “Free Your Heart: A Transformational Workshop for Exploring Love and Connection.”
When I first signed up for this retreat, I didn’t give much conscious thought to the fact that it was going to be held on the date of my old wedding anniversary. I signed up for the retreat because I had heard Spring give a dharma talk in the past and really enjoyed it – and because as many of you know, I have really been working with the themes of love and connection in my life lately.
Still, when I got up this morning to head out the retreat, I found myself wistfully pondering how much has changed in the past six years. Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I’d be living alone in San Francisco, California in a studio apartment. Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I’d be divorced and getting out of yet another relationship. Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I would find the idea of getting up at 6:30 am and going to spend Saturday at a meditation retreat an appealing idea. Yet, here I am – this is my life now – a lot can change in six years time – and this morning I was feeling both a sense of wonder and bitter sweetness about it.
Luckily, this workshop was the perfect place for me to be this morning – because the many interactive activities that we shared as a group together reminded me of the many connections that we as humans can have. So many times, when we are asked to think of love or connection, our minds immediately go towards thinking of romantic partnership – i.e. whether we are single or in a committed relationship, getting into a relationship or getting out of one, married, divorced, separated, etc. Many of the people in the workshop expressed some variation of their romantic partnership status when asked why they chose to come to the workshop today.
But, there are so many other connections available - and so many sources of love available to each one of us. Connection to friends; connection to family; connection to co-workers; connection to pets; connection to community...
Most important of all, we can love and connect to ourselves – by being present with whatever sensations, thoughts, and feelings we are experiencing – and by honoring and accepting whatever comes for us in each moment. We can treat ourselves with loving-kindness and compassion - the lovingkindness and compassion that is each of our birthright.
I've often heard that in order to truly love another, you must first love yourself - increasingly I am coming to see the truth in that statement. Our teacher's insight this morning was that if you don't first love yourself, your love for the other person will always have an element of grasping to it - a desire for your affection to be returned, a desire for the other person to fulfill your need for love - a need that can feel like a bottomless well if you don't first fill up that well with love for yourself. I have found her insight to be very true in my experience - and I am really working on practicing loving-kindness towards myself for that very reason.
Next, if we happen to be apart from our friends and family and loved ones, we can love and connect with those people who are around us – even if they are strangers to us. We did an activity today where we broke into smaller groups, and each person in the group took turns sharing for four minutes…”If you really knew me, you’d know…” over and over again – saying whatever come forward in their mind each time. After we got past the initial surface thoughts, deeper thoughts were revealed – and a strong sense of connection was forged once we each got below the surface and shared our vulnerability with each other. I was comforted to discover that while I’d initially assumed that each of my counterparts had it all “together,” we each had our own combination of strengths and flaws – none of us were perfect, but we were all beautiful inside.
You are unlikely to have the opportunity to do that activity with the woman you are sharing the bus stop with or the man you are standing next to in the grocery store – but the activity really got me thinking about the tenderness and goodness that lies within every one of us. We also did a rather intense activity later in the day where we stared into the eyes of another person for 5-10 minutes and were asked to think various things about them in sequence such as the goodness and strength that lies inside them or the pain and suffering that they have been through. As we did, I was amazed at how much my interaction with the person whom I was with was affected by the stories that I was creating in my mind about him.
What if instead I was thinking about how evil his intentions were or how hard he was trying to make my life difficult? – as we often do about people who cut us off in traffic or grab the last order of something we were hoping to acquire Instead of finding reasons to judge or ignore strangers whom you encounter; when possible, I encourage you to find momentary points of connection in your everyday interactions.
Another less commonly thought of connection is our connection to the cosmos – our connection to all beings – to the universe at large. Meditating and learning about dharma teachings – about the suffering that all beings experience – helps me to feel more connected to the great fabric of human experience. I also feel connected to the greater human fabric when I enjoy artistic works – like listening to music, watching a movie, or reading a good book – because many times those pieces speak to an element of my experience that is common to all – and I don’t feel so alone – because I’m not the only one who has experienced whatever I am currently experiencing.
Suffering is a key aspect of life – that was one of the Buddha's main teachings. It our very effort to try and avoid the basic suffering that comes with life experience that make us feel the most pain. Spring Washam got her start with inner city communities and was amazed to discover during her teacher training at Spirit Rock that everyone experiences suffering – “rich” people and great spiritual leaders, too – no one is immune to loss and delusion and desire and suffering. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in experiencing difficulty and troubles - there is nothing to be ashamed about - we are part of the same tribe.
Spring told us about a tribe in Afrika where when tribe members commit a crime, the entire village stands around them for days and showers them with love and reminders of their most redeeming and precious qualities - rather than punishing them, they take the time and care to remind them of their natural goodness inside. We then acted out a rendition of this idea - and hearing everyone's encouraging comments about me and sharing loving comments with each of of the other participants made me feel really warm and grateful inside.
All in all, it was a wonderful day – and a wonderful reminder of how much opportunity there is for connection in my life – even while I am in between relationships and on this celibate path. When we finished the day today, I felt a great sense of fullness and joy – and I felt truly loved – basically the same way that I felt six years ago today when I stood under that tent surrounded by those near and dear to my heart. I felt love in my heart for myself, for those in the room with me, for my friends and family and loved ones scattered throughout the country, and for all beings. And I felt their love with me in return.
What a wonderful way to come full circle – to learn that it is possible to find that same fullness and joy in more than one setting – in fact, I am discovering that it is possible to find that fullness and joy in many settings – sitting by myself writing this blog knowing that those of you out there in CyberSpace are reading it (thank you!); sharing vivencias with my fellow Biodanza participants, revealing layers of myself in interactive retreat settings; and even sitting by myself doing lovingkindness meditation (although it is still a challenging practice for me!). What a relief and sense of freedom to know that we are not limited to feeling fullness and joy in only one setting – love and connection are ready and available all around us – we just have to see and appreciate them and be ready to open ourselves up and take them in.
To close for this evening, I am going to share two favorites of mine.
First, down way below is the link to a YouTube clip of one of my favorite songs by Maria Taylor – "A Good Start". Whenever I listen to this song, I am reminded of how interconnected we all are – and how interconnected life is – the ups and the downs, friends and foes – they are all part of the same universe – and all each of us can do is try to be present and give our best in every moment.
Second, this is a set of quotes / dialogue from one of my favorite movies, Contact, with Jodie Foster and a bunch of other great actors. The movie came out in the late 1990’s and is based on Carl Sagan’s work. In it, Jodie Foster is a scientist who studies space to see if there are any signs of life out there beyond our planet (which science increasingly suggests there is). She initially considers herself a scientist and therefore above faith and anything unable to be proven by fact. This causes her conflict with “Palmer,” a minister referenced in the quote for whom she has a love interest (played by Matthew McConaughey).
Jodie (Ms. Arroway) and the other earthlings are sent a communication from space which gives instructions for building an elaborate space travel machine to connect with their community – and in an elaborate dreamey like sequence, she does – even though it looks to all bystanders like the spaceship crashed, the mission failed, and she is crazy. She “returns to earth” to share her story for the world and is brought before a key panel to testify regarding what happened.
As Jodie's character testifies below – she comes to realize that faith and science may not be so separate after all – and she does her best in her own way to reassure all of us that there is life out there and we are not alone in this universe (as she has previously felt all of our life). This dialogue encapsulates my favorite part of the movie – and one of the main reasons that it is one of my favorite movies – I encourage you to see it if you haven’t yet had the opportunity – either way, enjoy this quote (courtesy of IMDB.com). I also found the actual clip on Youtube and attached if below for those of you who have access to video and sound.
Panel member: Doctor Arroway, you come to us with no evidence, no record, no artifacts. Only a story that to put it mildly strains credibility. Over half a trillion dollars was spent, dozens of lives were lost. Are you really going to sit there and tell us we should just take this all... on faith?
[pause, Ellie looks at Palmer]
Michael Kitz: [standing, angrily] Then why don't you simply withdraw your testimony, and concede that this "journey to the center of the galaxy," in fact, never took place!
Ellie Arroway: Because I can't. I... had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision... of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us thatwe belong to something that is greater then ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone! I wish... I... could share that... I wish, that everyone, if only for one... moment, could feel... that awe, and humility, and hope. But... That continues to be my wish.
As I’ve mentioned once or twice on this blog, I have decided to take a vow of celibacy – a vow of celibacy to last until I am comfortable and satisfied being by myself and no longer depend on partners or external attachments to make me happy. Until I would like the enrichment of a partner in my life but do not feel a compelling need to have one in order to be “whole.”
Unlike Jerry McGuire, I ideally would not like to tell my next partner, “You Complete Me.” I want to get to a point where I feel in every fiber of my being that “I Complete Me” – and a partner would just be icing on the cake. Once I know in my heart and my gut that I have reached that point - then I can open my heart to explore all of the wonders that the dating pool has to offer - then I can open up to the possibility of meeting my next life partner when the universe sees fit to bring us together.
When I first broke up with my ex-boyfriend a month ago, this seemed like a relatively easy vow to make – our lives were so wrapped up with each other during our relationship that the new space and freedom in my life seemed like a breathe of fresh air – I was eager to go out into the world and explore everything that it has to offer. I believe this attitude of creatively and appreciate is one to try and maintain at all times as best you can – some like to call it a “Beginner’s Mind."
This week, some of the “work” of my celibacy vow has started to come in as the initial excitement has worn off, and I’ve begun to truly internalize the fact that I am alone for the time being in this journey of mine. Sure, I have tons of friends and loved ones and people to interact with along this adventure, but in the end, I’m the only one on my particular itinerary – this is a solo trip - there is no one to depend upon but me (and God).
As the excitement has faded and the work of maintaining the commitment has set in, many questions have arisen in my mind. What does a vow of celibacy really mean to me? Should I go on dates with people? Should I meet friends for tea? Am I isolating myself too much? Too little? Am I still continuing to make the most of what life has to offer given that I could die any moment now? Am I still giving and sharing enough love with the world? How can I and should I meet my natural human desire for intimacy during this period of celibacy? As you can see, lots of questions have arisen – and I don’t yet know all of the answers to those questions. To some degree, I am going to have to play this one by ear – listening carefully to my gut along the way.
Other things have come up for me as well. Desire and grasping have been a big theme in my world this past week – one of the five hindrances that we learn about in the dharma. Rather than focusing on the present, I have found myself desiring for others’ company and frantically searching the Internet for training programs in every modality under the sun to join – basically just another way of searching for another person or another thing to define me and center my life around - old habits die hard. As Howard Cohn likes to mention in his teachings at Mission Dharma, I have been falling into the delusion of thinking, If I have X…or if Y happens…or if I am with Z…THEN I’ll be happy, then Life Will Be Grand.
Just like a impatient soul eagerly wanting to skip ahead to the end of a great book in order to see what happens…I find myself wanting to skip past this juicy and exciting period of exploration and attach myself to something once and for all – to become a life coach or a yoga teacher or a Biodanza instructor or a Reiki practitioner or a Hypnotherapist – or an ordained Buddhist minister – or better yet all of them – already – and be there tomorrow! In my delusion and desire and discomfort with uncertainty, I am forgetting that this period of exploration - of trying things on for size - is the FUN PART!
I encourage you to all think of a time in your life when you have fallen into the same patterns of delusion – when you’ve been job searching and have been eager to just quit the process and FIND A JOB already. When you’ve been going on dates and exploring the dating pool and have been eager to just FIND A MATE already. When you’ve been visiting grad schools and applying to programs and have been eager to just FIND A PROGRAM already. We’ve all been there, right?
The problem is – when we get to that point in our lives…that delicious and precious time when the world truly is our oyster and we can follow just about any fork in the road – we miss the very beauty of it by hurrying along to GET TO THE END ALREADY. We rush the process in order to avoid the uncertainty – rather than embracing the possibilities that it brings. Life is full of opportunity costs, and we can’t have everything – that’s a basic lesson that my Economics degree taught me. Every hour that I spend going to Biodanza class or writing this blog is an hour I can’t also spend getting some sleep or reading a favorite book – life is all about choices.
But – right before you make that choice – there’s that beautiful, pregnant pause…where it really does seem like you can have it all – where the possibilities are endless and you can’t possibly dream how it’s going to turn out. Don’t miss it – it’ll be pass by in a flash before you know it.
Poof – your kids will be all grown up already. Poof - you’ll become a Certified Yoga Instructor – and think wistfully about the time when you were seriously considering becoming a Biodanza teacher instead. Poof - you’ll settle into the work of writing term papers and going to class, but think back to how nice it was when the schools were working hard to recruit you rather than grade you on the quality of your output. Poof – someday (hopefully) I’ll be married with two kids, a dog, a picket fence, and a successful career as a Life Coach (or ???) – and I’ll think back wistfully to this time in my life when I had endless time and energy to do whatever I wanted – whatever compels me at each given moment – without any obligations or responsibilities.
This time – right now – is a precious gift for me (and for you). If I can stay present with it and embrace the uncertainty and opportunities that my life holds – and if I can continually ask myself, “What do I want to do right now?” this can be a magical time for me. If I can resist the usual urge that emerges right at this time in a breakup – once the dust settles – to throw myself headfirst into a new relationship or commitment in order avoid my discomfort with being alone and get off this shaky ground, I have a feeling that I’ll find riches beyond belief in this "define as I go, celibate path of self and life exploration" that I am on. May you find joy in whatever path of exploration you are on as well – moment by moment, step by step.
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