On Letting Go Vs. Staying the Course – How to Balance the Two?

Lately the theme of letting go and dealing with change and uncertainty has come up for me again.  This is not the first time that I have dealt with this theme in my life and in this blog, and I doubt that it will be the last.  According to Pema Chodron in her classic book, When Things Fall Apart, Impermanence (the Buddhist word for the endless stream of beginnings and endings in life) is one of the three key jewels of human experience. 

I must admit that there is something magical about life’s continual evolution; however, I don’t let go of things easily, I don’t initially adapt easily, and I hate saying goodbye or giving up on a dream.   When I decide to commit to something, whether it’s something big like having a baby or something small like a weekly Biodanza class, I commit fully and give 110%. Some would say that is a virtue.  

Yet, if we cling too tightly to the familiar, we don't leave room for growth and change.  Luckily, life doesn't always sit and wait for us to let go.  Sometimes it forces change upon us.  In those moments, when life (or God) forces us to let go of one dream and close one door, it allows room for another one to open.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is well known for her theory of the grieving process – which is most applicable for men, women, and children who have lost a loved one or are experiencing a terminal illness but is also applicable to other situations which call us to let go or accept unpleasant realities. 

The Kubler-Ross model states that there are 5 key stages of grief or loss which often come in order but don’t necessarily have to – it is also perfectly normal for a grieving person to alternate between the 5 stages:

Denial – pretending that the loss isn’t really happening; ignoring the change that is coming or has already come.

Anger – feeling frustration that the loss has come to them; having angry feelings directed at oneself, at others, at God, at the situation.

Bargaining – the hope that one can somehow fend off the loss or grief by negotiating, giving something up, making an extra effort, or making a deal with a higher power.

Depression – starting to accept that the loss is coming or has come but feeling great sadness and a heavy heart about it; feeling the urge to withdraw, give up, or not go on any longer.

Acceptance – feeling a sense of calm and peace; acknowledging that the loss has happened or is going to happen but life is going to be okay.

While I have been lucky enough to avoid experiencing a major loss of a loved one or major illness thus far, I have noticed myself go through these stages while experiencing the ups and downs of life.  I seem to have the most difficulty accepting my feelings of anger and sadness.  Instead, I spend a lot of energy in my life denying that change is coming and doing everything in my power (bargaining) to plan ahead and try to fend away disappointment. 

For a while, my extra effort and planning seems to work and I am lucky enough to maintain a pleasant existence and cruise through life.   Life stabilizes, and I become more confident that I can control my destiny.   But then, just when I least expect it, changes come up, and I am humbled.  Life is full of examples.  For instance, I can make every effort to plan lunch with someone weeks in advance, but if they are sick or have a change in schedule on the day of, the plans fall through. 

In Sleeping Beauty, every effort is made by Princess Aurora’s family and supporters to

help her avoid Maleficent’s proclamation that she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and fall into eternal sleep.  The kingdom's leaders had all spinning wheels destroyed; the family had Aurora raised as a peasant by three fairies in the wood; and Aurora was watched over closely for many years.  Still, it was not enough – as the princess snuck back into the kingdom on her sixteenth birthday, Maleficent created a spinning wheel and led Aurora to prick her finger on it just in the knick of time.

Life is like that sometime.  You do everything in your power to make something happen, and it doesn’t happen.  Or, you do everything in your power to prevent something from happening and it happens anyway. 

So what is one to do?  Give up or fight?

I’ve been reading several books lately about worlds very different from my own which provide perspective on this question. 

In Octavia Butler's book Kindred, the main protagonist, Dana, is called from modern day California back to antebellum Maryland and forced to work as a slave while she interacts with two of her great-great ancestors, one black and one white, who need to survive, connect, and procreate in order to produce her family line.   One of the key themes brought up in Kindred is whether the slaves in the book should refuse to accept their lot and run for freedom or accept their lot and do their work on the plantation.  At first, it seems that running away is the obvious choice, but after Dana sees runaway slaves brought back half-dead, beaten, and bitten (and after she runs away and is caught herself), she starts to understand  why accepting the status quo might be the safest choice for now – and why both choices require great courage and strength.

In Xinran's book China Witness, the author, a journalist, interviews numerous elderly men and

women throughout China who have experienced the dramatic changes in China from the

Japanese war through Liberation, the Cultural Revolution, and Reform Through Opening. 

Many of these interviewees were devoted to improving China or their lives, but experienced great personal hardship.  There is one story of a man in his seventies who is almost singlehandedly working to keep lantern making alive in his area of China.  There is another story of a shoe mender, whose dreams of attending university were dashed because her family was considered to have a “bad family background” due to a paperwork error that was not properly corrected.  That shoe mender went through the stages of grief and finally decided to make it her life’s work to put her children through university and graduate school by living a life without basic comforts and saving every dollar of her shoe mending proceeds for tuition money.  The courageous men and women featured in China Witness devoted their lives, relationships with their children, and every comfort in order to fight for what they believe in.

As I reflect on the many stories of great courage that I have read lately, I find myself wondering – how does one balance these two different energies – of fighting hard for what you want or a cause that you believe in and of letting go and accepting what life brings you?  Is persistence and determination a virtue?  Or, it is it just a sign that you are stubborn and unwilling to change? 

The world needs people who will commit to groups and causes and stick with them – otherwise there would be no consistency or stability in life.  I believe that loyalty and faithfulness are virtues.  Staying in one place can be a positive choice.  But, if you are standing still and everyone else is moving around you, eventually your space or your group is going to change anyway – there is nothing you can do to prevent that from happening.  When the winds of change start to blow, how quickly do you welcome them in?

Anyone who has been trying to conceive for more than a few months will soon be inundated by well-intentioned stories of people who finally had a baby once they stopped trying to do so.  There are many varieties on this theme.  Some planned a long vacation; some stopped fertility treatment; some took a break before moving on to the next phase of fertility treatment; some started adoption proceedings; some gave up the dream of having a child altogether.  Having been trying for more than a year now, I am well familiar with these stories and this encouragement to “Let Go.”

I believe that there is some truth to these stories and that the concept is a good one.  But, what does that look for me?  Our fertility doctors say that I do not ovulate on my own, so every cycle I need to manage several medications over the course of my cycle.   Also, science and my doctors say hat there is a peak fertility time during the month to get pregnant, so I dutifully take my temperature every morning and faithfully time intercourse during the right times.   So....given all of those constraints, what does letting go look like for me?

Deep in my heart, I feel that I am meant to be a mother.  When I think of forty or fifty

years ahead of me having never raised a child, I find myself unwilling to accept that possibility.  I know that my husband would be alright with that, but that is not a life that I want to live.  Our doctors say that there are many more things that we can try and that we are only in the early stages of our fertility journey.  There is also the road to adoption available as an option.  So giving up on trying to have a baby doesn't seem like the right approach to me - at the very least, it seems like a premature approach.

Lately, I’ve revisited the No Doubt song, “Simple Kind of Life,” partially written and sung by Gwen Stefani when she was about my age.   She says:

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

When I listen to the song, I hear the same longing in her voice that I feel in my heart.   In her words, I hear her doubts and her desires about embarking on the very difficult journey of parenthood.   Yet, I am encouraged because the song was written over ten years ago and Gwen now has a loving husband and three lovely children.  Unlike in my own life, I can fast forward into the future and know that ultimately her dream came through several years later.

If I could trust that God (or an angel out there) is looking out for me and that I will become a mom someday, would that allow me to let go and enjoy the last of these lovely unencumbered, newlywed days that I am experiencing now? 

I recently read a book about adoption titled, Carried in Our Hearts: The Gift of Adoption by Dr. Jane Aronson.  The book contains numerous stories about families and their paths to adoption – from the moments that they decided to do so to the moments that they welcomed their new children into their lives. 

A running theme in the book is the idea that for each parent, the child that ultimately came into their lives was meant to be theirs all along.  In fact, some would say that the child chose that family when it came into this world.  There is a quote from the book (p. 241) that says, “When the time is right and the children are ready, it will all fall into place and not before.” 

Another mom, Sarah Edwards-Schmidt, reflects (p. 65), “…we have little control in life, other than in the way we choose to go about tackling problems.  It is the grace and good humor we can bring to the process that saves us.”

I know deep down that I must make peace with uncertainty and learn to relax and let go.  While I know I am experiencing legitimate hormonal challenges, many of those challenges can be improved through stress reduction.  Also, whenever I do get pregnant, that is the just the beginning of a long path fraught with much uncertainty.  Risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defects, medical problems, accidents, financial problems – you name it, parents experience numerous ups and downs throughout the course of their pregnancies and children’s lives. 

If I want to be the kind of parent that I would like to be, I need to learn to relax and roll with my continually unfolding life. 

In The One Thing, by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan, the

authors encourage readers to continually ask themselves, “What is the One Thing I can do such that by doing it everything else will be easier or unnecessary?"  They assert that by steadily focusing on that one thing, you can set up a domino effect of actions that will eventually lead you to your dreams. 

So…what is the One Thing I can do right now to help me achieve my dreams of becoming a mom, raising a family, becoming the most self-actualized person I can be, and experiencing all the life has to offer?   What is the one part of the equation that I do have control over in this maze of uncertainty?

The way I see it, the one thing I can do right now is RELAX and learn to embrace uncertainty with faith and trust.   Not as easy task for me, but very worthwhile.  If I keep working on relaxing and am able to achieve success, the benefits could be lifelong.  So, consider that my new quest!  

In the meantime, here is a video of the Simple Kind of Life song in case you are interested – may you all have a relaxing rest of your day or night!

On Routines - and Cherishing Life Moment by Moment

The other night, I starting thinking about all of the different phases that my life has held.   I have only been alive for three decades, but it feels like I have lived so many lives in that time.   I was sitting on the chaise lounge in my studio apartment, playing around on my computer, and my boyfriend was snoozing on the bed.  This is a peaceful and comfortable scene that has recreated itself a number of times in my near future and is one element of the routines and settings that make up my life right now.   Yet, all of a sudden, and it occurred to me that this will not always be my routine and setting – someday I’ll be in a different time and place and look at back on this time in my life remembering this particular chapter.

Once I started thinking along that path, I started to recollect various chapters in my life…what my pre-bed routine was like in other apartments and other relationships.  What it is like getting up and getting ready for work in this apartment – and what is was like doing so in other homes and with other partners at other times in my life.    On that note, I started thinking about what my experience is like going in to work now – and what it used to be like – who I would see during my day, what my office was like, and what the rhythm of the day was like.   I also thought of what activities and places I go to now after work – and other activities and places I used to go at other times in my life – yoga classes, dance classes, Jazzercise classes, happy hours – and how I would get there – listening to music in my car or listening to my Ipod on the bus – even walking through the city as I did in Seville, Spain to get home from class after school.

The only thing that unites each of these varying routines is while they were an integral part of my life, I didn’t really notice them at the time – every once in a while, I came up for air, looked around, and observed what was around me (thus why I still have recollections to ponder).  But, most of the time, I didn’t notice much at all – to me, that time and place in my life wasn’t very notable – it seemed that that routine would last forever, so why bother paying attention to it?  Sometimes, I even felt bored or frustrated with the monotony of it.  Yet, somewhere along the way, that chapter and that routine came to a close – never to come again in exactly the same way – except in my memories.

Lately, I’ve thinking about motherhood – what it would like to be a mom, what would be necessary to be a mom and a loving wife, how I would manage all of the stresses and tasks that come with raising a child, and how having a child would change my life forever.   Right now, I am blessed to have many moments of solitude and reflection in my life – time to clear my head, listen to music, take a bath, meditate, look up information on the computer or plan for a future possibility.   I certainly enjoy those moments now – but I am also realizing that someday those moments could be few and far between – and I could back wistfully at the freedom and independence that I have now.   Right now, I am also blessed to have plenty of time in my life to go to Biodanza classes and yoga classes and meditation groups and on various retreats – someday, if I have a child, I know that I would have to be much more choosey about what I do with my time when I am not at work and not with my family.   Finally, right now, there are so many tender moments of cuddling and sleeping in and connecting that I have with my sweetheart – without a baby or toddler in between us.  Someday those moments could be more difficult to steal way and our time together could be interrupted and strained by over-exhaustion.

Knowing all of those things doesn’t convince me not to have a child – although it does make me think carefully about whether I’d want to have more than one child.   Knowing all of those things make me think how important it is that I prepare myself for eventual motherhood – and really soak in all that I possibly can about this time in my life – about the routines and the dreams and the special moments that I experience day after day.  The sunny walks to the bus, the tender cuddly mornings, the enriching classes, and the wonderful moments of reflection like I’m having right now as I write this.  All of those moments are so tender and precious – and if I don’t take the time to see and smell and taste and hear and feel every detail, before I know it they will be gone.

Even if life doesn’t have it in the cards for me to have a child or marry my current partner, the change of routine and setting is still bound to happen one way or another – because that is the nature of existence – change is the only constant in life.   Someday my office will change again at work – or my coworkers will shift or my entire job will shift.  Someday the place where I go to Biodanza class will change or my teacher will change or people in my group will stop coming and new people will take their place.  Little my little, our routines shift until one day we look back and realize that various parts of our life are no longer there.  Sometimes the change is dramatic – with a big move or breakup or layoff.  Other times, it is more subtle and sneaks up on us.

I’ve been reading this book lately called Hand Wash Cold:Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life.  It is written by a Zen priest named Karen Maezen Miller who is a mom and housewife and writer and who grew up in typical American existence.  I’ve been reading it at lunch and really like it – it always seems to bring me out of my planning / ruminating mode and back to the present.  On the back cover of the book, it says, “Fall in Love with the Life You Already Have.”  How wonderful is that?  Thinking about it, I really do love the life that I have right now – and I suspect that if I had taken the time to notice what was in my life at various times in the past, I could have found stuff to love in those “life’s,” too. 

Two passages of Ms. Miller’s book about time really stood out to me today. 

She says (p. 130, “I tell people about how much time and effort it takes to be a wife and mother.  About how it occupies my whole life.  I say I can’t imagine a time when I’ll have more time, when my life will once more be my own.  In truth, I struggle daily to give even one measly minute of undistracted company to my family, and I’m here all day.  When do we actually have the children we say we have?  When are we actually in the relationships we’re in?  What portion of the years, the days, the hours of our lives do we spend being the people we define ourselves to be?  Fulfilling the roles that we have chosen?”

Although I am not currently a wife or a mother, I can totally relate to this passage.  I am often feeling like there is not even time to do what I want to do – and focused on getting to a magic, future time when I’ll feel like I’ve “arrived.”  But, the idea that that time will come is a myth – the only time we have is now – right now.   And, the idea that that place will come is a myth as well – the only place we have is here – right here. 

This Thursday, my horoscope said that I was to have an excellent career day – that I would be really successful and unbeatable and all of the stars were aligned to support it.  When I read that horoscope, I pictured giving a “knock’em dead” presentation to some higher-ups or receiving news that I’d been promoted or given a raise – some dramatic demonstration of career success.  I was a bit puzzled, though, because all I had planned for that day on my calendar was a bunch of student advising appointments and a webinar.   As it turned out, I had a string of really meaningful conversations with students that day.  Conversations where I was able to be fully present and ask the right questions and help students find their way.  Conversations where hopefully I made a difference and inspired "a ha" moments that will help students change their lives for the better.  

Along the way, as I was reflecting that day at lunch – it occurred to me that that is the success story – that is the moment, the arrival that I’ve been striving for.  To be doing my lives work and make a difference in some student’s lives – that is what I have trained for and what I strive to do better and better each day – to have some success with that is truly something to cherish and celebrate.  This is my life –and my work legacy – one student at a time, one presentation at a time, hour by hour, day by day.  Blink – and I’ll miss it.

Ms. Miller also said, (p. 139), “I’m sure it can seem to some that all they have to do is work, leaving all the other priorities to languish on the periphery.  I hope for your sake that when it is time to work, all you do is work.  But in those hours when the choice is truly yours, what do you choose to put in front of you?  Where do you cast your enraptured eye?  Where do you lose yourself?  Where do you invest your time, your life, and your love, knowing whatever you pay attention to thrives?”

I want to strengthen these habits of mind of paying attention, being present, and appreciating the moment so that at each stage of my life, whether marriage, motherhood, or whatever life has in store for me, I will truly be there to experience it.  I want to be the mom who puts down my computer or phone and gives full attention to my kid.  I want to be the wife who truly sees and appreciates her husband and lets him know it every day.  I want to be the daughter and granddaughter who really cherishes each moment with her loved ones as they grow older.  And, I want to really be there – with friends, with students, with my Biodanza group, in nature – to really experience my life, moment by moment as it unfolds.

Lately, in Biodanza class, I’ve been feeling our moments of beginning and ending in the circle very strongly.  We dance holding hands in the circle – and often start moving counter-clockwise together to the music.  As the circle gains momentum, I feel a wondrous sensation when I relax and surrender to the movement – letting my self get pulled around and in and out by the circle – and simultaneously pulling those around me.   If I heed to the call, I can let go of the needs to cling or control and focus my energy on just being – on hearing the music, taking in the gazes of my fellow Biodanzeros as they go around the circle, and feeling their touch and the ground beneath me, supporting me and holding me each step of the way.

Life is that way, too – a continuous circle of movement – cycles –  beginnings and endings – we go around the circle and end up back where we started – like a merry go round.  If we stop straining to see what is ahead of us in the circle and just surrender to the ride, we can use our focus and energy to just be – to “fall in love with the life we already have” – moment by moment, step by step, breath by breath.

To close, I’m attaching below a video promoting Ms. Miller’s book, “Hand Wash Cold” which I highly recommend – and a song I heard the other day that reminded me of this idea – the importance of staying present and remembering each moment as it happens.  Finally, an inspiring image / poster I stumbled across recently - called the Holstee Manifesto.

On Dealing with Setbacks and Frustration – The Path of the Warrior

This has been a tough week for me so far – and today has been a challenging day.  In just about every conceivable way, I have felt myself slipping back into old negative patterns and behaviors and losing ground in goals that I have set for myself.  

I haven’t been getting enough sleep – which has made me overtired, cranky, and more anxious than usual.  I haven’t written as much on this blog as I would like.  I haven’t meditated as much and managed to miss both my Mission Dharma meditation group and the Hip Hop class that I was aiming to try out this past Tuesday.  I’ve been stressed out and distracted at work – an inconvenient mind state to deal with when you are in the midst of a very busy time and have lots of tasks which need to get done right.   Today was one of those days where I was frantically running around like a crazy person trying to get ready for a big day of advising calls tomorrow and a flight out of town tomorrow night – and I am not fully done yet.

So, why am I taking the time to write about this in the midst of all this craziness?  Why am I writing about this when I’ve admittedly felt tons of anger and discouragement and aversion and doubt today?  Why am I sharing some of the very reasons why I am not an ideal model of enlightened behavior?

I’m writing about this right now because this is where the work comes in – this is the front line where the battle to awaken joy and foster peace in the world is fought.   If I am really sharing my journey of self-discovery with you, it is important that you not just see me when the view is breathtaking and I’ve reached the top of the next peak – it is important that you see the full range of the journey.   I make no promises to be perfect, but I promise you I will make every effort in this blog to be authentic – to be real.   Journeys and diets and any kind of “infomercial” type experience that you might see on TV – they all have ups and downs along the way. 

That previously 400-pound woman who is now 150 pounds and wearing a bikini on late night TV?  I guarantee you – somewhere along the way of her new workout regime and carefully crafted meal plan, there was at least one moment (and likely several) where she skipped exercise class and was sitting in Krispy Crème staring down at a half eaten box of donuts about to call it quits. 

It’s one thing to commit to a goal or try to live more healthfully or develop Zen habits when the sun is shining and you are observing forward progress in yourself.  It’s one thing to model positive behavior when people cheering you on surround you in spades. 

The real test comes when things don’t come so easily – when you’re overtired or you get a flat tire or you hit a stressful time at work or someone picks a bad moment to point out your flaws – or you observe yourself slipping back into dangerous ground. 

What do you do then?  Do you chuck it all to hell and give up the fight?  Do you blame the world or your partner or your boss or the guy who crashed into your car for making you give up your dreams?  Do you get angry and take out your bad feelings on someone else around you – ideally someone over whom you have power?

In her book When Things Fall Apart (Chapter 2 – When Things Fall Apart), Pema Chodron shares a story about taking on a new position as head teacher at an abbey and having to confront nasty truths about herself.   She says, “What happened to me when I got to the abbey was that everything fell apart.  All the ways I shield myself, all the ways I delude myself, all the ways I maintain my well-polished self image - all of it fell apart.” 

She says that around that time when she was really struggling with all of the negative feedback she was receiving about herself, her teacher visited and said, “When you have made good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly, too.”

Pema acknowledges that these moments…that I feel like I have been experiencing this week…these moments are “a kind of testing that spiritual warriors need in order to awaken their hearts.”  We can “shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.” 

I was so tempted today to be angry at my co-workers today, get mad at the person at Office Depot who kept me on hold for 12 minutes, and blame the day and the conditions around me for my unhappiness today.  Hell – I did feel those feelings – I did feel anger and resentment and aversion today.   I still feel some of those feelings now.

But – there were little snippets where I awakened – even just for a moment – and saw what I was doing.  There were moments when I took a deep breath and counted to 10 and was gracious and open-minded.  There were moments when I focused on things for which I am grateful today – for instance, I had a wonderful phone conversation with an old friend today, my Office Depot order came out perfectly, and I had a tasty dinner.  There was a moment this evening when I was walking from work to Office Depot to run an errand and I realized suddenly that it was a beautiful night – that the sky was still blue and it was still light out and there was a pleasant breeze – and I was happy.   There were little moments in there were I was happy in the midst of all the aggravation and frustration and “bad luck.”

Have you ever gotten into a “bad streak” and started to predict that the rest of your day was going to be awful?  I definitely have…I’ll notice it’s raining and miss the bus and walk in late to work and the next thing I know I’m predicting that the whole day is going to suck and the world has it in for me.  But – there’s no guarantee that that is the case – the next moment could be great. 

And – if you notice that you are getting angry or resentful or acting in a way that contradicts your values, don’t beat yourself up over it – rejoice in the fact that you noticed.  The very fact that you’ve noticed you are off track is a sign that you are awake.  Just like you send the distracting thought on its merry way and focus your attention back on the breath during meditation, in moments of struggle, you can send that negative behavior on its way and approach the next moment with compassion and understanding and vulnerability – with mindfulness of the present moment and the feelings that you are experiencing.  You can reconnect with your inner Buddha nature at any moment – it’s never too late.

Every moment is a new opportunity – a second chance to be peaceful and share your light with the world.  So we fell off the wagon and failed a little – so what?  What matters is what we are going to do in the next moment – are we going to give up horseback riding altogether or are we going to get back on the horse and keep going?

As Pema says (at the end of the earlier chapter 2):

“To stay with that shakiness-to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge – that is the path of true awakening.  Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic-that is the spiritual path.  Getting in the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior.   We catch ourselves one zillion times at once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, bitterness, righteous indignation-harden in any way, even into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration.

Every day we could think about the aggression in the world, in New York, Los Angeles, Halifax, Taiwan, Beirut, Kuwait, Somalia, Iraq, everywhere.  All over the world, everybody always strikes out at the enemy, and the pain escalates forever.  Every day we could reflect on this and ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to add to the aggression in the world?’  Every day, at the moment when things get edgy, we can just ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to practice peace, or am I going to war?’”

That passage brings me a great deal of comfort and encouragement when I am struggling against the negative emotions in my head like I have been today – I hope it will bring you support as well.   I’m also including the link to a song that I discovered recently from an old Grey’s Anatomy episode – “Turn and Turn Again” by All Thieves – I listed to it several times today – and it has brought me much peace.  For those of you who don’t have access to audio right now, I’m including the lyrics below as well.  Enjoy!

“Turn and Turn Again” – All Thieves

Worn from walking this far
So worn from talking this much
And what we found and what we've seen
As the road curves down

And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening
We enter this town
Like new born creatures

Those I know I see anew
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human too

So turn and turn again
We are calling in all the ships
Every traveler, please come home
And tell us all that you have seen
Break every lock to every door
Return every gun to every drawer
So we can turn
And turn again

Only priests and clowns can save us now
Only a sign from God or a hurricane
Can bring about
The change we all want

And we've done it again
This trick we have
Of turning love to pain
And peace to war

We're just ash in a jar

So turn and turn again
We are calling in all the ships
Every traveler, please come home
And tell us all that you have seen
Break every lock to every door
Return every gun to every drawer
So we can turn and turn again (x2)

On Appreciating the Fragile Nature of Life

 

It is a glorious sunny day, and I am sitting on my favorite (okay only) chaise lounge by the window watching the sun is streaming in through the blinds and feeling a delicate breeze sweep across my arms as I type.  It is one of those beautiful days that makes grateful and happy to be alive.  Given all of that, I am going to write to you today about death.  Why?  Because once again, death is on my mind – and I figured it would be good to share some of my thoughts about it with you.

You see -- unlike some of my peers who blissfully go through life assuming that they are invincible and never let such a somber topic cross their mind, I think about death on average about once every day, sometimes more.  I’m not entirely sure why.

My Totaled Toyota Corolla

It could be because I’ve had one close colleague die suddenly of a brain aneurism and one close colleague die of a heart attack within the past three years.  It could be because I’ve had several near death experiences in the past 10 years – I’ve gotten hit by a car crossing the street, ran my car spinning in circles off the road, ended up in the ER due to an electrolyte imbalance, and most recently fell down a flight of stairs a few month’s ago.  It could be because I live in Earthquake country and the next big one could happen any second.  It could be because I love Grey’s Anatomy (which takes place in a hospital with people dying) or because I live in a culture that predicts the end of the work in 2012 and constantly emphasizes plane crashes and gas explosions and natural disasters on the news.  

I suspect it is due some combination of all the factors that I’ve mentioned…and probably other subtler factors of which I’m not even fully conscious.   Either way, it doesn’t really matter – the fact is, lately I think about death at least once very day – sometimes on the bus, sometimes walking home, often late at night on this very chaise lounge.  

Usually I am alone – and I wonder if I’m going to make it until my next interaction with someone- or if this is it – right here.   I suppose in a way it’s a symptom of spending more time alone lately.   Usually we spend our whole frantically running from activity to activity trying to avoid the natural fragility of life – and I’ve made a point to stop doing that.  I’ve made a point to start focusing as much attention as possible on the present moment because it is all we really have.

To be clear, when I think about death each day, I am not thinking about wanting to die – I am not contemplating suicide or ways to kill myself.  No, quite the opposite – I want to live.  I want to live very much.  I want to continue this great adventure for as long as I can.  I want to die at the ripe age of 97 or 102 – with grandkids and great-grandkids running around at my funeral.  I want to find and marry a life partner and ride the waves of a long-term committed relationship that lasts beyond the 7-year itch.  I want to wax poetic with new generations of students about the wee old days when there was no Internet and people looked up dry cleaners in the phone book and movie listings in the newspaper.   I want to learn new things, write a book, get pregnant, go on a silent retreat, take a cruise somewhere beautiful, and experience everything that this life has to offer. 

Yet – I’d be naïve to assume that I’m going to live forever.  I’d be deluding myself to keep missing the present in my quest to get to the future – as we all frequently do day after day.  Even if I were lucky enough to live another 60 years, I’d be kidding myself to assume that hundreds of loved ones aren’t going to die and leave me by the time I get there.  In time, every single person in my life – including me – is going to die.  We are human – it’s what we do.  We are born, we live, and we die.  

Beginnings and endings are the very fabric of life.  Every day, we’re surrounded of examples of them– my Biodanza teacher just got engaged (new beginning); an acquaintance of mine just had a new baby (new beginning); the Bombay Creamery ice cream store in town just closed (ending –and I never even got to try it); an acquaintance of mine just had a baby (new beginning); a colleague of mine is leaving USF (ending).

From what I’ve heard in dharma talks, Buddhists say that it’s not necessarily bad for us to form connections to things and have relationships – to enjoy living, to enjoy a favorite possession, etc.  It’s not bad that I want to live and have goals for things that I’d like to achieve in my life.   One famous Buddhist teacher has a favorite mug that he likes to drink tea out of – and someone asked him one time if liking that mug wasn’t really a form of attachment.  The teacher answered him that he loves that mug – but yet it doesn’t make him suffer because every time he looks at it, he pictures it falling to the ground and shattering to pieces – in other words, he knows it is precious because it is not going to be there forever – he loves and appreciates it – but he is not resisting the natural law of impermanence – he is not resisting the fact that someday it will not be with him.

I wouldn’t say I enjoy thinking about death on a daily basis – it is not an experience that I would call pleasant.  Still, it is an experience that wakes me up and encourages me to appreciate every moment; to appreciate every person – and to remember the utter preciousness of life.  It also seems to prepare me for some of the losses that I know I will experience – so that hopefully when they happen I can take them in with as much ease as possible, feeling grateful for the times that I have had with those people and those practices near and dear to my heart.

While there is so much more than I want to achieve and experience in my life, I am extremely grateful for everything that I have been able to see and do and learn so far.   Looking back over the years, it feels like I have lived several lifetimes over already – each phase of my life has brought out a different element of my essence, a different part of my personality.   I have so much wonder and amazement thinking about the places I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, and the ideas and practices that have been shared with me.  I feel lucky to live in one of the most picturesque cities on earth.  I don’t know where or how much longer the ride will take me – but I know one thing – it’s been an amazing ride so far.  :)

To close for tonight, I’m including below a link to a song which always makes me think of death when I listen to it – “Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking” by Snow Patrol – it’s a bit haunting but very moving.  I’m also including a voiceover from the Season Six finale of Grey’s Anatomy that speaks to some of these ideas – it was from an episode where the husband of a deceased patient came into the hospital and started shooting doctors and bystanders at random to avenge the death of his wife (and you wonder why I think of death all the time…) 

Sheryl Barker

Finally, to balance out the “death” song, I’m also including a link to “Wish You Well” – a song by Kate Herzig that makes me think of my two dear colleagues who passed away in recent years – Sheryl Barker and Eugene Muscat.  Sheryl and Eugene – wherever your spirits live on, I wish you well – you both touched my life in so many positive ways.  

Enjoy – and thank you for reading!

6.24 Death And All Of His Friends

Eugene Muscat

Derek: The human life is made up of choices.  Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  And then there are the choices that matter.  Love or hate.  To be a hero or to be a coward.  To fight or to give in.  To live.  Or die.  Live or die.  That's the important choice. And it's not always in our hands.

Derek: Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  Live or die.  Hero or coward.  Fight or give in.  I'll say it again to make sure you hear me.  The human life is made up of choices.  Live or die.  That's the important choice.  And it's not always in our hands.

Snow Patrol - "Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking"

 

Kate Herzig - Wish You Well