On Surrendering Into Our Interconnectness

The past few weeks, I have been holding an intention to be more accepting of myself and others and reflecting on our interconnectedness with each other and everything around us.   Of course, doing so has been difficult for me to do because you can’t “will” yourself to do anything – approaching these qualities of compassion and lovingkindness with a desire for perfection is counterproductive.  

I had the opportunity to listen to a great talk by Tara Brach on Anxiety About Imperfection in October, and have also been reading her book Radical Acceptance during my lunch hours.  According to her, you can’t convince yourself not to be judgmental of yourself or others – just as you can’t convince yourself to change any habit through willpower alone.  Instead, by bringing gentle and loving awareness to your thoughts and actions and seeing how they resonate with your body and mind, you will begin to shift them naturally.  Also, by reminding ourselves of our loved ones and humanity, we become less likely to think in terms of me, my, and mine – and we are inspired to act with love and compassion.

These ideas also work well for dealing with difficult emotions – like anger, anxiety, sadness, fear, etc.  For many years, my approach has been to feel ashamed and distressed when these feelings arise and to try and get rid of them as quickly as possible.   I come from a family where we try to focus on the good and put a happy face on things.  I do believe that focusing on the positive in life is a beneficial thing and much research and teachings support that idea – gratitude practice has been more and more helpful in my life.  

Invite the Monster for Tea!

Nevertheless, having aversion to difficult feelings rather than approaching them with gratitude and acceptance often makes them harder to cope with.  Many of the Buddhist teachings that I’ve come across encourage us to lean into discomfort and lean into difficult emotions – to welcome the monsters into the room when they arise rather than running away scared.  While suffering is never pleasant, when we truly look it in the eye and take it in, it opens our hearts and humbles us. 

These days, when I feel anxiety arising or feel sad or angered about something someone said to me, I try to focus in on the actual sensations in my body, the raw feelings underneath – not the story about whose fault it is or what I should do about it or why it is happening.  I try to feel my heart and throat tighten or feel the heaviness in my body or feel my flushed face and hold those sensations with a loving heart, like a mother would hold her crying child.   In surrendering to the feelings moving through me, I feel a great sense of release and I feel strangely held by the universe. 

Biodanza "Nest"

In Biodanza class recently, our teacher Clara did a vivencia class focused on the concept of the nest – feeling supported and nurtured by everything around us.  I had had a particularly stressful week at work and was feeling pretty wiped out – so wiped out that instead of trying to be the perfect student and do every exercise “right,” I just released into the moment – when we walked through the space, I sank my feet into the ground and felt it hold me up; when I danced with one of my classmates, I just gazed into her eyes and felt an authentic, open connection; and when we gathered into the equivalent of a big group hold, I just relaxed completely and felt all of the bodies of my comrades around me.  It was truly a wonderful class – and really made me feel connected with the earth and the community around me.   I didn’t feel such a compulsive need to hold myself up. 

The Vast Sea of Awareness

In that talk about Anxiety About Imperfection, Tara Brach shared an image / idea which I’ve found very powerful lately.  She said to picture ourselves and the entire universe as the great wide ocean.  So many waves of emotions and stories and egos and everything run through us, but in the end we are just a vast ocean of awareness – awareness that has been here since we were born and will be here when we die.   When I feel triggered and think about sinking into the great ocean of love and awareness, I feel a wonderful sense of wholeness and completeness. 

I was also working with sound last night at a Sound Healing meetup at the Globe Sound and Consciousness Institute that I went to in celebration of 11-11-11.   There were several musicians there and we spent a lot of time using singing bowls and toning in as a large group on particular sound frequencies.  If you ever have an opportunity to do that sort of activity or sing along with a toning CD or use toning forks, I encourage you to do so – it is amazing how much can communicated by sound.  I have a similar feeling in Kundalini Yoga when we chant various mantras together  - something about joining together in sound really cues me in to our joint energy and spirit – where my body starts and ends seems to blur.  

Walk Into the Light, Patrick!

I also like picturing our unitedness in terms of light – when I was at the Sound Healing meetup, I found myself picturing an image similar to the ending of the movie Ghost, where Patrick Swayze finally joins up with all of the other beings in heaven after he saves Demi Moore from the evil person who murdered him.  As I remember it, you see him stepping into a bath of light and at first you can see him and see the outlines of other beings, but eventually it all just blurs together into one big ball of light.  Other movies with death have used this image as well – of walking into the light, etc.

I’m not sure what your specific spiritual beliefs are and I’m not inclined to try to change them – I think all religions in the world have something beneficial to share.  Most of them at their heart encourage us to bring love into the world and share our light and compassion with others.  As we learn more and more about science, it seems that science supports the idea of us all being interconnected – of us all being part of a giant energy field.   There are so many neurons that fire and connect to help us conceive our place in the world that I think it is entirely conceivable that this idea of a body and a self separate from the rest of the universal energy field is simply something created by our brain to help us make sense of the world – otherwise it is too abstract to conceive. 

The Rescuing Hug

Science also supports the idea of our connection with others being crucial to our survival – I’m sure many of you have heard "The Rescuing Hug" story or read one of the articles that circulated around the Internet a year or so ago about the benefits of co-incubating twins that have been born prematurely and aren’t ready to survive in the world yet.  Or of allowing premature infants to be held and hugged by their parents.  Our science world would suggest to keeping the environment sterile and free of germs is the most important thing (and it’s definitely important) – but it seems that there is support for the idea that touch and human connection is extremely important to our survival.  I’ve also heard stories of babies in orphanages who died or had health difficulties even though they seemingly every need taken care of – they were feed, clothed, given shelter, etc. – but weren’t held on a regular basis, and we as humans depend on that touch and connection.

Have You Hugged Someone Today?

In the documentary movie, Connected, which I mentioned in my last blog entry, there is a part where the narrator mentions that hugging for at least six seconds releases oxytocin and helps with our over wellbeing.  I’ve also heard that things like Cuddle Parties – which are parties basically focused on giving space for hugs and affection without all of the complexities of dating, relationships, etc. – are extremely helpful for single people.  Hugging and sharing affection with another human bolsters our immune system and can even help people lose weight – many times we try to fill out need for love and affection and connection by buying things or stuffing ourselves with food or other material things – when all we really desire is a hug – or some sort of basic reminder that we are infinitely connected with source and everything around us.  

When is the last time that you hugged someone?  Hopefully not too long ago – if it has been awhile – go find someone and give them a hug – and – extra credit – try to hold the embrace for at least 6 seconds – or at least a full breath.  So many times when we give someone a hug, we tense up and hold our breath instead of just relaxing into the embrace and feeling our bodies and souls melt into one another.  I LOVE this picture of two kittens snuggling up to one another – I keep it posted on my fridge, and it warms my heart every time I look at it. 

Anyway, these are some thoughts that I’ve been working with lately related to working with anxiety, imperfection, and difficult emotions and about finding such expansive peace in surrendering to the connections and shared energy around us.  I just came from an acupuncture session earlier today, and as I was lying on the table, I felt such a deep sense of peace – as if I was sinking into and through the table and was swallowed up by the vast energy, love, and light around me.   The feeling was fleeting, but when it was there, it was so incredibly powerful.  

As you tackle these same demons in your life, I encourage you to embrace your suffering and feelings with compassion, give yourself or someone a hug, and seek out practices like Biodanza and Sound Healing that assist you to let go and float into the endless sea of awareness of which we are all part.

To finish - I leave you with an old favorite song of mine that I got from watching Grey's Anatomy - "Infinity" - by Merrick.  The images in this video are moving and beautiful - enjoy!

On Early Role Models, Favorites, and Career Story

 This weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a fascinating session at a career conference on Mark Savickas’s Career Story Interview.   

According to Savickas, the role models that people admired growing up reveal key elements of their character and ways in reach they responded to challenges growing up; their favorite books, TV shows, and magazines reveal the stage or environment in which they want to act out their careers; the script of their current favorite book or movie reveals the key chapter of their life story that they are currently acting out; and their favorite saying or motto reveals the best advice they have for themselves – the direction for their life. 

For more details on Mark Savickas’s Career Story Interview and other key career development theories that he supports, here is the link to his most recent book on Amazon, Career Counseling (Theories of Psychotherapy).

In order to illustrate and learn this technique, I’m going to do my best to answer four or his Career Story Interview questions on this blog.  Please feel free to comment on what you think my answers might mean – or feel free to answer the questions for yourself – I encourage you to share your story!

1.    Who do you admire when you were growing up?  Tell me about her or him.  (3 key role models)

The first heroine that came to mind for me was She-Ra, Princess of Power – who had her own spinoff of the popular He-Man series.  

She-Ra, Princess of Power!

She-Ra  was born as He-man’s twin sister but was kidnapped as a child and raised in the homeworld of Etheria by that world’s evil ruler, Hordak.  He-man rescues her and eventually helps her remember her birthright as Princess Adora, and she works with a group of freedom fighters called the Great Rebellion to try and free her homework.   She-Ra, like He-Man, has a double identity, morphing from the more youthful and innocent Adora to the powerful and wise She-Ra by invoking the saying,”For the honor of Grayscull, I am She-Ra!”  

For some more background on She-Ra, see this article about the 25th anniversary release of the show on DVD.  Also, note this picture of She-Ra is courtesy of Kyra Smith / Ferretbrain.com.

What does this mean for me?   As an only child, I grew up in a more sheltered existence and didn’t have much opportunity to serve as a mentor or leader until later in life when I realized that I really enjoy guiding others.   Just as Adora had an alter ego full of wisdom and self-assured power, I am continuing to learn as I get older that I do as well.  By being such an early fan of She-Ra, I believe I was expressing an inner desire to cultivate my inner strength and insight and use it to help others and “save the day!”

Francis "Baby" Houseman

The second heroine that came to mind for me was Francis “Baby” Houseman from the classic 80’s film, Dirty Dancing.  I first saw that movie when I was about 5-6 years old, and my mom tells me I used to run around the house dressed just like her (as best I could) shouting, “I’m Baby, I’m Baby!” 

In the movie, Francis is 18 years old and has the “Time of her Life” at Kellerman’s resort in the upskill Catskill Mountains.  She comes from a fairly upper class family and a sheltered existence and has an idealistic heart and aspirations to join the Peace Corps and help others.  She finds herself drawn to the various staff members running the camp rather than her fellow camp patrons and saves the day by filling in to learn a dance with Johnny, the dancing instructor, when his partner Penny gets “knocked up” and has to have an abortion on the night of their performance.  (Picture courtesy of Flixster)

In summoning up her inner strength and creativity to learn the challenging dance and in getting to know Johnny and the other staff members, Francis taps into confidence, integrity, and courage that she had not previously accessed – and risks her relationship with her family in order to help her newfound circle of friends. 

What does this mean for me? 

In addition to highlighting my longstanding love of dance, I think the deeper message from this role model is similar to that from She-Ra – despite growing up in a more sheltered existence and being protected from more counter-culture influences, there is a key part of me that wants to help the underdog, sees all people as being equal, and wants to tap into my inner strength and wisdom to help those in need. 

I think this role model also points to my desire to help others not through cleaning their wounds directly or fixing their car but rather from using my performing ability to their advantage or using my network and access to resources to assist them (as Baby does at one point in the movie where she goes and gets her Dad the doctor to assist a staff member having medical difficulties).

Nancy Drew

Finally, the third role model who comes to mind from my youth is Nancy Drew, the female amateur detective.  She is wealthy, smart, attractive, and confident – and uses her prowess to solve mysteries and help people.  (Picture courtesy of University of Maryland Library).

What does this mean for me?

Once again, we have another role model who is both strong and feminine – so I’m seeing that there is a big theme there for me – wanting to use my intelligence, be assertive, and make a difference without having to take on a masculine demeanor or appearance.   I also think this love of Nancy Drew highlights my passion for synthesizing knowledge, using my intuition, asking questions / being inquisitive and seeing patterns – these are all skills that Nancy Drew uses to solve her cases and are skills that I enjoy using whenever I can.

As an academic advisor and coach, I really enjoy “peeling the onion” with clients to uncover the inner strengths and interests that are hiding just beneath the surface – when I’ve “solved the mystery” and figured out where their unique talents and contributions lie, I feel very excited.  The challenge for me is to channel that intuition into being a good listener and helping them through creative methods to discover those talents and contributions for themselves rather than giving my report and trying to push my conclusions onto them.   Seeing this role model leads me to wonder what other ways I could incorporate “solving the mystery” into my career path!

2.    Do you read any magazines or watch any television shows regularly?  What do you like about these magazines or television shows?

Great Magazine!

First of all, as I think about the books and magazines and internet sites that I read most regularly, they often relate to Self-Help, Psychology, Career Development, Personal Development, and Spirituality / the Meaning of Life - e.g. Psychology Today) I am almost always reading Non-Fiction books directed towards a popular audience – or Personal Memoirs.   One of these days I am going to add in a reading list from Amazon and start sharing some of the many great books that I have encountered and am continuing to encounter.  (Picture courtesy of Gifts.com)

The fact that I like these types of magazines, books, and internet sites confirms for me that I am acting in exactly the right stage as an Academic Advisor, Career Development Facilitator, and Student Advocate.  It does, however, continue to lead me to think that I should give more serious thought into becoming a Life Coach and/or incorporating my spiritual beliefs more consciously into my professional practice.

My Favorite Show!

The more revealing thing for me is thinking about why Grey’s Anatomy is hands down my favorite show – what is that?  What does that mean?

For one thing, my love of Grey’s Anatomy likely signals my desire to be part of a helping profession – to assist people on a daily basis as the doctors in the show do when they diagnose, treat, and heal their patients.  (Picture courtesy of this website).

I also really enjoy Grey’s Anatomy because the voiceovers and actors in the show convey a lot of wisdom – they live life to the fullest and are pursuing their dream careers.  I admire their hard work directed towards fulfilling their life goals – goals that are directed more at saving lives than making tons of money.

Grey's Anatomy also appeals to my love of learning - I've always enjoyed reading or watching shows about training programs - I enjoyed Ender's Game, a science fiction novel for that reason, I enjoyed reading a book about a girl named Cherry (Cherry Ames Student Nurse) as a little girl who was part of a Nursing residency program...throughout my life I been drawn towards accounts of people learning new skills and putting them to use - for that reason, working in higher education or some sort of training and development enterprise is and would be a good fit for me.

Finally - and most interesting to me – I also enjoy Grey’s Anatomy because I have a curiosity about medicine, health, and wellness.  Most people who’ve spent any significant amount of time around me will tell you that I am a hypochondriac.  When I have the slightest degree of illness, I am immediately Googling it, checking the symptoms on WebMD, and developing a treatment plan for myself – of both traditional and alternative means.  When I see my doctor, I am a highly informed patient - and I ask questions to better understand my condition.  In recent months, I've been intrigued by new modalities like acupuncture and Reiki and hypnotherapy and yoga that treat illnesses and injuries – particularly psychosomatic ones.   Whenever a co-worker or friend is sick, I love being able to help direct them to the right medical provider and suggest potential treatments to investigate.

What does that mean for me?   Who knows? – I’ve never considered working in a hospital or medical environment, but maybe I should add it to the list as a back-up option.  Perhaps I would be a good person to do career development or organizational development for a medical residency program?  Maybe I should become certified in an alternative mind-body therapy and work that into my practice?  Hard to say for sure – but some food for thought!

3.    What is your favorite book or movie?  Tell me the story.

Great Movie!

My current favorite scripted book or movie right now is Eat, Pray, Love – the movie version with Julia Roberts.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I just love her idea of the quest – of acknowledging uncomfortable truths about yourself and seeing each person as a teacher and each experience of your life journey as a clue.  (Picture courtesy of this website).

I believe that my love of this movie right now is encouraging me to continue on my own personal quest – to continue being mindful of each moment, keep growing and learning, bring more meditation into my life, and explore what it means to experience real joy.  

4.    Tell me your favorite saying or motto.

My most consistent saying is the quote that goes out beneath my signature line on every email that I send out at work:

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" – Confucius

I believe this quote gives me direction or advice to continue staying true to my heart and searching for work that energizes my soul and brings joy and wellbeing into my life.  Luckily, there are many elements of my current job that I do really enjoy – which is one of the key reasons that I have stayed there for almost four years now. 

This quote challenges me to continue paying attention to how much or little I enjoy my  job and not be afraid to move on and try something new if things change and I no longer look forward to coming to work each day.  This quote challenges me to avoid becoming someone who dreads coming in on Monday morning and makes excuses about why I “have” to do my job.  It lets me off the hook from the idea that I need to stay in any position mainly due to a sense of obligation – because in the end, life is too short. 

There will always be aspects of a job that feels like “work” – this quote is a bit idealistic in saying that you will never have to work a day in your life.  Still, there is a noticeable difference in your professional living when you are doing something you love and value versus doing something just for a paycheck.  This quote encourages me to remember how important it is to enjoy what you do for a living – and encourage clients to find the careers that engage their passions, interests, and values – bringing them much-deserved joy and fulfillment!

On Appreciating the Fragile Nature of Life

 

It is a glorious sunny day, and I am sitting on my favorite (okay only) chaise lounge by the window watching the sun is streaming in through the blinds and feeling a delicate breeze sweep across my arms as I type.  It is one of those beautiful days that makes grateful and happy to be alive.  Given all of that, I am going to write to you today about death.  Why?  Because once again, death is on my mind – and I figured it would be good to share some of my thoughts about it with you.

You see -- unlike some of my peers who blissfully go through life assuming that they are invincible and never let such a somber topic cross their mind, I think about death on average about once every day, sometimes more.  I’m not entirely sure why.

My Totaled Toyota Corolla

It could be because I’ve had one close colleague die suddenly of a brain aneurism and one close colleague die of a heart attack within the past three years.  It could be because I’ve had several near death experiences in the past 10 years – I’ve gotten hit by a car crossing the street, ran my car spinning in circles off the road, ended up in the ER due to an electrolyte imbalance, and most recently fell down a flight of stairs a few month’s ago.  It could be because I live in Earthquake country and the next big one could happen any second.  It could be because I love Grey’s Anatomy (which takes place in a hospital with people dying) or because I live in a culture that predicts the end of the work in 2012 and constantly emphasizes plane crashes and gas explosions and natural disasters on the news.  

I suspect it is due some combination of all the factors that I’ve mentioned…and probably other subtler factors of which I’m not even fully conscious.   Either way, it doesn’t really matter – the fact is, lately I think about death at least once very day – sometimes on the bus, sometimes walking home, often late at night on this very chaise lounge.  

Usually I am alone – and I wonder if I’m going to make it until my next interaction with someone- or if this is it – right here.   I suppose in a way it’s a symptom of spending more time alone lately.   Usually we spend our whole frantically running from activity to activity trying to avoid the natural fragility of life – and I’ve made a point to stop doing that.  I’ve made a point to start focusing as much attention as possible on the present moment because it is all we really have.

To be clear, when I think about death each day, I am not thinking about wanting to die – I am not contemplating suicide or ways to kill myself.  No, quite the opposite – I want to live.  I want to live very much.  I want to continue this great adventure for as long as I can.  I want to die at the ripe age of 97 or 102 – with grandkids and great-grandkids running around at my funeral.  I want to find and marry a life partner and ride the waves of a long-term committed relationship that lasts beyond the 7-year itch.  I want to wax poetic with new generations of students about the wee old days when there was no Internet and people looked up dry cleaners in the phone book and movie listings in the newspaper.   I want to learn new things, write a book, get pregnant, go on a silent retreat, take a cruise somewhere beautiful, and experience everything that this life has to offer. 

Yet – I’d be naïve to assume that I’m going to live forever.  I’d be deluding myself to keep missing the present in my quest to get to the future – as we all frequently do day after day.  Even if I were lucky enough to live another 60 years, I’d be kidding myself to assume that hundreds of loved ones aren’t going to die and leave me by the time I get there.  In time, every single person in my life – including me – is going to die.  We are human – it’s what we do.  We are born, we live, and we die.  

Beginnings and endings are the very fabric of life.  Every day, we’re surrounded of examples of them– my Biodanza teacher just got engaged (new beginning); an acquaintance of mine just had a new baby (new beginning); the Bombay Creamery ice cream store in town just closed (ending –and I never even got to try it); an acquaintance of mine just had a baby (new beginning); a colleague of mine is leaving USF (ending).

From what I’ve heard in dharma talks, Buddhists say that it’s not necessarily bad for us to form connections to things and have relationships – to enjoy living, to enjoy a favorite possession, etc.  It’s not bad that I want to live and have goals for things that I’d like to achieve in my life.   One famous Buddhist teacher has a favorite mug that he likes to drink tea out of – and someone asked him one time if liking that mug wasn’t really a form of attachment.  The teacher answered him that he loves that mug – but yet it doesn’t make him suffer because every time he looks at it, he pictures it falling to the ground and shattering to pieces – in other words, he knows it is precious because it is not going to be there forever – he loves and appreciates it – but he is not resisting the natural law of impermanence – he is not resisting the fact that someday it will not be with him.

I wouldn’t say I enjoy thinking about death on a daily basis – it is not an experience that I would call pleasant.  Still, it is an experience that wakes me up and encourages me to appreciate every moment; to appreciate every person – and to remember the utter preciousness of life.  It also seems to prepare me for some of the losses that I know I will experience – so that hopefully when they happen I can take them in with as much ease as possible, feeling grateful for the times that I have had with those people and those practices near and dear to my heart.

While there is so much more than I want to achieve and experience in my life, I am extremely grateful for everything that I have been able to see and do and learn so far.   Looking back over the years, it feels like I have lived several lifetimes over already – each phase of my life has brought out a different element of my essence, a different part of my personality.   I have so much wonder and amazement thinking about the places I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, and the ideas and practices that have been shared with me.  I feel lucky to live in one of the most picturesque cities on earth.  I don’t know where or how much longer the ride will take me – but I know one thing – it’s been an amazing ride so far.  :)

To close for tonight, I’m including below a link to a song which always makes me think of death when I listen to it – “Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking” by Snow Patrol – it’s a bit haunting but very moving.  I’m also including a voiceover from the Season Six finale of Grey’s Anatomy that speaks to some of these ideas – it was from an episode where the husband of a deceased patient came into the hospital and started shooting doctors and bystanders at random to avenge the death of his wife (and you wonder why I think of death all the time…) 

Sheryl Barker

Finally, to balance out the “death” song, I’m also including a link to “Wish You Well” – a song by Kate Herzig that makes me think of my two dear colleagues who passed away in recent years – Sheryl Barker and Eugene Muscat.  Sheryl and Eugene – wherever your spirits live on, I wish you well – you both touched my life in so many positive ways.  

Enjoy – and thank you for reading!

6.24 Death And All Of His Friends

Eugene Muscat

Derek: The human life is made up of choices.  Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  And then there are the choices that matter.  Love or hate.  To be a hero or to be a coward.  To fight or to give in.  To live.  Or die.  Live or die.  That's the important choice. And it's not always in our hands.

Derek: Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  Live or die.  Hero or coward.  Fight or give in.  I'll say it again to make sure you hear me.  The human life is made up of choices.  Live or die.  That's the important choice.  And it's not always in our hands.

Snow Patrol - "Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking"

 

Kate Herzig - Wish You Well

On Loving Yourself and Embracing Your Personal Brand - Right Now

Several weeks ago, I gave a presentation to a local job search support group on “How to Discover and Market Your Personal Brand.”  If you are interested in viewing it, you can do so here: How to Discover and Market Your Personal Brand.

As I was putting together this presentation, I noticed myself feeling some anxiety about putting myself and my brand out there – I felt like somehow it was premature to discuss my brand while I still consider myself a work in progress.  Authenticity is important to me and important to branding – and I didn’t want to somehow misrepresent that I'm some expert who has it all together when I don’t - I'm just as imperfect as everyone else.  There was an inclination to assume that I should wait to present who I am and what my key strengths and contributions are until I have everything 100% figured out – until I have finally “made it.”

Similarly, on the dating front, many of you know that I am currently focusing on trying to stay single and celibate and get really comfortable with myself – before I re-open myself to love and enter the dating pool once again.  At times, I find myself making a list of all of the things I need to do before I will someday be prepared to meet my next life partner – e.g. I want to cultivate a regular meditation practice, figure out which hobbies are most important to me, develop a regular cleaning / housework routine, figure which qualities I am really looking for in a mate, and grow saavy and confident at knowing and speaking my truth so that I can address conflict in a timely manner.  That is a lot of accomplish before I am “ready” for love!

Have any of you ever made lists like these in your life?  For example, are any of you waiting until you do “X” (make partner, buy a house, finish your degree) before you have kids?  Are you any of you waiting to do “Y” until you propose or get married?  Are any of you waiting to get to “Z” before you have the courage to open your own business or branch off into your dream career? 

I bet you have…we all have ways of robbing ourselves of the present moment, of delaying gratitude, of withholding love from ourselves until we achieve our inner critic’s demands… but what if you have already arrived?  What if all we ever really have is right now?  If you knew that this was going to be the last week of your life - how much would you or I care about all of the things on our list?   Would we be ready to set aside our excuses and pursue our dreams later - or right now?  Would we be ready for love later – or right now? 

This afternoon, I attended a Young Adult Dharma Council Retreat with Howard Cohn on love and how we open and close ourselves to expressing and receiving it.  As part of the retreat, we worked with the idea of lovingkindness – giving love and kindness to others and ourselves.  For many of us, giving love to ourselves is the hardest part.

As part of my healing and growth process, I’ve been loosely following the 12 steps, and several of those steps deal with making amends to others you have harmed in your life with your dysfunctional behaviors.  Through recent reflection, I have determined that my conflict avoidance, disorganization, and discomfort with being alone have allowed me to bring harm to several individuals in my life – mainly ex-partners and old friends.   This past week, I wrote them emails to apologize for what I have done and say my peace.  While I wouldn’t say doing that was easy, it actually felt fairly natural for me to do so once I put my mind to it. 

The harder thing for me to do is make amends to myself – to forgive myself, quit being so hard on myself, quit holding myself to such a high standard – particularly when I am focusing on all of the negative patterns that I have brought to my life so far!  Bringing love and care to myself is less easy to do – my perfectionist and people pleasing tendencies run deep and get in the way of truly honoring and appreciating me – accepting and loving myself just for who I am – right now – no improvements necessary.

This afternoon at the retreat we learned a new lovingkindness technique that worked really well for me.  Howard (or Howie as they like to call him) told us that when we are having difficulty feeling lovingkindness towards ourselves in meditation to instead picture people in our live who love and support us unconditionally or times in our life when we have felt loved and supported unconditionally and bring those feelings and images to mind.  For example, picture those people giving you a big warm hug or caressing you or gently showering their love and attention upon you.   In my case, I pictured my mom and dad, my good friends here and across the country, and my Biodanza circle, and I immediately felt a dramatic positive change in my constitution.

We then had the opportunity to draw a picture to capture those feelings or one of those experiences that we brought to mind, and I drew the following picture of our Biodanza circle from class:

We then had the opportunity to share our picture and our feelings with a partner and later the class at large – and I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and true feeling of connection – to the people I had pictured in my reflection and my drawing as well as the people in the class with me and the world at large. 

Someone asked the teacher why it is so much harder for us to love and care for others rather than ourselves, and he said that he heard of a recent Harvard Researcher Amy Cuddy who has found that people evaluate other people based on how warm and kind they are while they evaluate themselves by how competent they are (the article/blog that I believe he was referencing is linked here: Matter Over Mind).  

If you changed the game and focused on how warm and kind you are rather than how competent you are, how would things change?  It might not change your entire life but it certainly might change your experience of the present – which is all we really have in the end.

On my journey of self-discovery, I am learning that the destination is less important the myriad of stops and experiences along the way.  If we rush hell-bent to get to the end of the journey, we’ll miss the magic and wonder – the turns and twists up and down and along the way.  What is that saying?  Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans?

I’ll close for now with one of my other favorite sets of voiceover quotes from Grey’s Anatomy episodes.  These ones are from Episode 5.23 – the season finale of Season Five when Meredith Grey's fellow intern George dies and the life of her fellow intern Izzie hangs in the balance – an episode that brought me to tears the first time I saw it – and one that brought home to me just how special everyone in my life – near and far – are to me – and how precious every moment is.  For those of you who know me personally – thank you for the moments we have shared together and the way that you have changed my life for the better by being in it.

Opening:

Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future. Planning it. Working toward it. But at some point, you start to realize, your life is happening now, not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it, it’s here. Blink, and you’ll miss it. 

Closing:

Did you say it? I love you? I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life… did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

I lied - one last thing - I’ve included the link to a song which I’ve been listening to lately which really brings these sentiments for me to mind  – “Everything, All at Once” by Correatown.  It’s less panic-inducing then the voiceovers; more peaceful – it sets my mind at ease while reminding me what's important.  You can listen to it via YouTube below: 

On Doubt, Anxiety, and Life's Great Adventure

This evening at our weekly SF Insight Meditation and Dharma Talk, I met some really nice new people and accessed some powerful insights related to doubt, anxiety, and life's great adventure, which I would like to share on this blog.   

Several weeks ago, while in the midst of moving out of the apartment that I shared with my boyfriend, I attended our weekly sangha meeting and listened to a talk that Eugene Cash gave on Doubt.   In that talk, Eugene mentioned that as with the other hindrances (Desire, Aversion, Restlessness, and Sloth/Torpor), if you pay mindful attention to them as they emerge in your mind and body and simply accept that they are there with you, something happens – they lose their hold on you and become less powerful.  

Since that talk, I have had many opportunities over the past few weeks to have doubts about these new steps that I am taking in my life – I’ve wondered if I could really pack up all of my stuff and move it across town; I’ve wondered if I can really end a relationship that has been a big part of my life for the past 2 years; I’ve wondered it was appropriate to sign a one-year lease and stay here in San Francisco for another 12 months; I've wondered if I could leave behind our cat;  I’ve wondered if I could really handle living alone – you name it, I’ve encountered doubt about it in the past few weeks. 

These experiences have provided me with a golden opportunity to really study and explore doubt as it manifests in my life – and what I’ve discovered is just what Eugene shared.  As I’ve been able to observe and label moments when I've been doubting or worrying by just saying, “Oh, right, there’s doubt,” the charge in the doubt itself has released, and I’ve been able to sit with the feeling much more easily and let it pass on its own time.  Try it yourself – see if it works for you as well.  Identifying and labeling a feeling or hindrance can been a very useful tool.

I also discovered something else very meaningful for me just as we sat for tonight’s talk.   I started to reflect on the more wholesome and solitary lifestyle that I’ve adopted in recent weeks and started to wonder if I would really be able to sustain it in the same fashion for weeks…months…years…at a time.  In other words, will I eventually get to a point where I feel lonely for human connection, for friends, for partners and not be able to find them?  Will I eventually tire of meditation and yoga and reflection and yearn for more fun activities and parties in my life (again, assuming that for some reason I wouldn't be able to find them at that point)?  Have I bitten off more than I can chew with these new steps in my life?

I started to observe my mind running off like a runaway train on this trail of worry and doubt…and all of a sudden,  I heard a voice saying…whoa…wait a minute…don’t get ahead of yourself – just focus on the present.  It was probably Eugene’s voice…or the voice of one of the guest teachers that we’ve had recently or my Awakening Joy teacher, James Baraz.  Either way, I suddenly remembered to focus only on the present – i.e. how am I doing right now?  What am I experiencing right now – and can I handle it in this moment?   This is a very powerful technique – and stopped this runaway train of thoughts right in its tracks.   After all, none of us knows what is going to happen in the future – all we have to handle in any given moment is right now – because that is all we have.  Moment by moment, as I observe my experience and ask myself if I can handle it, I am discovering the self-affirming truth that, “Yes, I can!” 

This just reminded me of the movie What About Bob from a few years back where Bill Murray was a patient of a psychiatrist with significant anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness about everything in daily life – and his psychiatrist kept telling him, “Baby steps, just take baby steps,” and this worked really well for him – i.e. baby steps out to the lobby, baby steps to the elevator, baby steps out the door…you get the picture.  It sounds simple and funny – but it actually works.  

The next time you feel overwhelmed and frightened and think that you can’t possibly handle what life is handing you…e.g. you’re going through a relationship breakup, you just lost your job, you just lost a loved one…and the grief and worry seems too much to bear – try this technique – and just focus on the present, just focus on what you can handle “right now” – and then handle the next moment when it arises…and so on.   Just sit with the feelings as they arise in the moment and don’t worry what you are going to do an hour from now, or two days from now, or a month from now…just focus on what you are thinking and feeling right now and get through this moment.

Not only is this focus on the present a useful technique for dealing with difficulties, it also illuminates the fact that life truly is a big adventure – i.e. we never know what possibilities the future holds.  The moment or opportunity that you have been waiting for your whole life could literally be right around the bend – and the tragedy that you thought might be your life’s ruin may in retrospect turn out to be your greatest gift.  

There’s a great chapter on this in Pema Chodron’s book When Life Falls Apart – I actually think that is the title of the chapter itself.  She tells about a Chinese family who were devastated when their only son fell off a horse and was severely injured – until a few weeks later the village went to war and all of the young and healthy men were sent to go fight.  Their son's injury turned out to be their greatest gift because it allowed him to stay home and care for them.  The point is - we just don’t know what’s going to happen – and if you can develop a curiosity about each moment as it unfolds, life can be such a rich, fun experience - full of wonder and surprises, good and bad. 

The last thing which really spoke to me tonight and also in a few other experiences this past weekend is the idea that life is not a race to the finish or an exercise regimen to be mastered.  Rather the opportunity is simply to go deeper and experience more of the fullness of each given moment.   In Ajaraj Yoga class, the objective of more advanced practice is not to perfect the sequence of asanas but rather to go deeper into the felt experience of them – to really sink into the physical, emotional, and spiritual energy that emerges as you do them.  In Buddhism, the point is not the be the “Good Buddhist,” the teacher’s pet, or the perfect meditator – rather it is to approach every moment with mindfulness, experiment with the teachings in your life, and see what is true in your direct experience.  

I even went to a talk today on female sexuality today in which the speaker shared that her definition of female orgasm has nothing explicitly to do with climax – rather it is for women to lose themselves in sensation and experience every feeling that emerges in a moment of connection with another - sounds familiar, right?   Biodanza hits on this as well with the idea of vivencia – or the vividly felt experience – the point of Biodanza is not to do the moves right or be the perfect partner – rather, it is to experience life fully – to let our words fall away (for most of the class) and be present for the adventure that unfolds in class each week – moment by moment.  There is some definite synergy between these different activities – and I am excited to see what possibilities emerge as I continue to center my life on them!

To close for this evening, I want to share a quote / voiceover from Grey’s Anatomy (Episode 5.21, courtesy of the Know Thyself blog) spoken by Izzie after her unexpected marriage to Alex Karev when she is supposedly dying of cancer, which really speaks to me about the serendipitous nature of life:

Opening:

(Izzie) You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they’re never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days. The ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest. And today was the wedding. It was beautiful. Perfect.

Closing:

(Izzie) You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until its happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life. Not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone… The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time… because you want to live forever. Those are the biggest days.  The perfect days. 

_____

As I am discovering more and more these days, life is an adventure – full of ups and downs and unexpected turns – Enjoy It!