On Taking Risks – and Not Being Afraid to Make Mistakes

As a recovering perfectionist, I sometimes have a tendency to fear the unknown and succumb to decision paralysis – risk-taking and spontaneity are not natural impulses for me, although I cherish new adventures and opportunities.

The Cowardly Lion = Me :)

Since getting divorced a few years ago, I find that I am more risk averse than I was in my early 20’s.  The thought of branching out in a new career direction or someday opening my own business seems scary because as a single woman I am fully responsible for supporting myself in the world.  If I jump ship or make a move unwisely, I might find myself without a roof over my head or scrambling to find my next meal – at the very least, I might end up needing to leave California and beg my parents to let me stay with them in Chicago for a little while.  Luckily, I am pleased with the direction that my current position is going in at USF – I just wonder if it will someday fit with my lifestyle if I have kids and want to spend more time with them – or if I someday want to advance to higher level positions.

On the romance front, I am even more unsure of myself – after all, I’ve now seen two serious relationships disintegrate from love and promise and potential to criticism, contempt and disappointment. 

How am I to trust when someone professes their affection and admiration for me that they will still be doing so months or years down the line when the honeymoon fades and the work of relationship begins?  Will they roll up their sleeves and fight with me to find middle ground and make a partnership work?  Could I someday trust them enough to have kids and raise a family with them?  Would I be making a mistake by opening my heart to yet another person?  These are the thoughts that now run through my head when I meet a new dating prospect.  Sexy, right?

I wonder if some of you reading this blog have experienced similar fears about making a mistake…on either the career or the romance front.   If so, what has been helpful for you?  How have you let yourself be paralyzed by fear or have you found a way to cope with these doubts?

One thing that I have found very helpful lately is the work of John Krumboltz and Al Levin on Career Happenstance – most notably featured in the book, Luck is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career.   This theory focuses on the idea that unplanned events, or chance occurrences lead to unexpected life directions and career choices and often have more influence on our lives than all of our careful planning efforts.  This theory suggests that there are no mistakes – just opportunities to learn from experiences and move in new directions – and says that it is never too late to change directions – and there is no need to stick with a plan that is no longer working with you. 

Krumboltz and Levin encourage readers to be aware of their surroundings for possible opportunities, take risks even when rejection is a possible outcome, and be adaptable and open-minded – basically go with the flow of what life throws at you.  They encourage people to try out possible career opportunities through job shadows, internships, night classes and other means before making a final decision and not to be afraid to turn back if those experiences turn out to be less enjoyable than anticipated.

While most of the examples in the book are career-oriented, I think the ideas of the theory have applications for love as well – after all, how many people talk about meeting their sweetheart while on a business trip or in a new workout class or on some chance occasion? 

In reassuring readers to take risks and try things even without knowing the outcome, Krumboltz shares this passage in the book that I find particularly encouraging:

“If you try something new, you may succeed or you may fail, you may like it or you may hate it, you may make new friends or even enemies, and you may produce consequences that you never expected – including some that you may never even know about.  Trying something new is a risk.  You don’t know in advance what the result will be…However, if you want to be absolutely sure about your results, there is one thing you can do – nothing!  When you do nothing, you can be sure that nothing will result.”

I love that idea – no matter what you do, there is a chance that you will fail – you could fail or you could succeed beyond your wildest dreams.  As Pema Chodron often reminds us, we have no idea what is going to happen in life – we don’t know what the results of our actions will be.  But…if you lock yourself in your apartment and do nothing… it is pretty certain that nothing is going to happen. 

This perspective gives me encouragement to get out there in the world…try new hobbies…take new classes…learn new skills…meet new people personally and professionally.  Visit new places – after all, I just visited Madison, Wisconsin this week and met some cool new people – who knows, maybe I will someday end up living in Madison – then again, maybe not?  It is good to have it as an option, though…and I believe I’m better off for having had a new adventure rather than sticking only to the familiar and comfortable.

Even if you do “make a mistake,” as long as you keep a learning perspective, it is not a lost opportunity.  While I do regret getting divorced in my 20’s and having had a recent relationship break-up, I can also attest that some of my greatest life lessons have come from those experiences, and I am a better, stronger person for having had them. 

So, if you are considering taking a risk and jumping in to a new adventure – in love, career, or any other area of your life – I say go for it – give life a chance to deliver you the opportunity of your dreams and continue your path of lifelong learning.  You never know what will happen but you do not if you give in to your doubts and hold yourself back, what will happen – nothing!

In closing, I am including one of my favorite quotes from growing up that relates to this idea and a link to the video for “I Hope You Dance” an old favorite of mine from Lee Ann Womack – Enjoy!

"Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth."- William Purkey

Read more: http://www.rateitall.com/i-47211-dance-like-no-one-is-watching-love-like-youll-never-be-hurtsing-like-no-one-is-listeningand-live-like-its-heaven-on-earth-william-purkey.aspx#ixzz1U0mGGNhE

I Hope You Dance lyrics
Songwriters: Sanders, Mark D.; Sillers, Tia;

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lee-ann-womack-lyrics/i-hope-you-dance-lyrics.html |]

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)

On Embracing Uncertainty - and Resisting the Urge to Attach

As I’ve mentioned once or twice on this blog, I have decided to take a vow of celibacy – a vow of celibacy to last until I am comfortable and satisfied being by myself and no longer depend on partners or external attachments to make me happy.  Until I would like the enrichment of a partner in my life but do not feel a compelling need to have one in order to be “whole.” 

Unlike Jerry McGuire, I ideally would not like to tell my next partner, “You Complete Me.”  I want to get to a point where I feel in every fiber of my being that “I Complete Me” – and a partner would just be icing on the cake.  Once I know in my heart and my gut that I have reached that point - then I can open my heart to explore all of the wonders that the dating pool has to offer - then I can open up to the possibility of meeting my next life partner when the universe sees fit to bring us together.

When I first broke up with my ex-boyfriend a month ago, this seemed like a relatively easy vow to make – our lives were so wrapped up with each other during our relationship that the new space and freedom in my life seemed like a breathe of fresh air – I was eager to go out into the world and explore everything that it has to offer.  I believe this attitude of creatively and appreciate is one to try and maintain at all times as best you can – some like to call it a “Beginner’s Mind."

This week, some of the “work” of my celibacy vow has started to come in as the initial excitement has worn off, and I’ve begun to truly internalize the fact that I am alone for the time being in this journey of mine.  Sure, I have tons of friends and loved ones and people to interact with along this adventure, but in the end, I’m the only one on my particular itinerary – this is a solo trip - there is no one to depend upon but me (and God).

As the excitement has faded and the work of maintaining the commitment has set in, many questions have arisen in my mind.  What does a vow of celibacy really mean to me?  Should I go on dates with people?  Should I meet friends for tea?  Am I isolating myself too much?  Too little?  Am I still continuing to make the most of what life has to offer given that I could die any moment now?  Am I still giving and sharing enough love with the world?  How can I and should I meet my natural human desire for intimacy during this period of celibacy?  As you can see, lots of questions have arisen – and I don’t yet know all of the answers to those questions.  To some degree, I am going to have to play this one by ear – listening carefully to my gut along the way.

Other things have come up for me as well.  Desire and grasping have been a big theme in my world this past week – one of the five hindrances that we learn about in the dharma.  Rather than focusing on the present, I have found myself desiring for others’ company and frantically searching the Internet for training programs in every modality under the sun to join – basically just another way of searching for another person or another thing to define me and center my life around - old habits die hard.  As Howard Cohn likes to mention in his teachings at Mission Dharma, I have been falling into the delusion of thinking, If I have X…or if Y happens…or if I am with Z…THEN I’ll be happy, then Life Will Be Grand. 

Just like a impatient soul eagerly wanting to skip ahead to the end of a great book in order to see what happens…I find myself wanting to skip past this juicy and exciting period of exploration and attach myself to something once and for all – to become a life coach or a yoga teacher or a Biodanza instructor or a Reiki practitioner or a Hypnotherapist – or an ordained Buddhist minister – or better yet all of them – already – and be there tomorrow!  In my delusion and desire and discomfort with uncertainty, I am forgetting that this period of exploration - of trying things on for size - is the FUN PART!

I encourage you to all think of a time in your life when you have fallen into the same patterns of delusion – when you’ve been job searching and have been eager to just quit the process and FIND A JOB already.   When you’ve been going on dates and exploring the dating pool and have been eager to just FIND A MATE already.  When you’ve been visiting grad schools and applying to programs and have been eager to just FIND A PROGRAM already.  We’ve all been there, right?

The problem is – when we get to that point in our lives…that delicious and precious time when the world truly is our oyster and we can follow just about any fork in the road – we miss the very beauty of it by hurrying along to GET TO THE END ALREADY.  We rush the process in order to avoid the uncertainty – rather than embracing the possibilities that it brings.   Life is full of opportunity costs, and we can’t have everything – that’s a basic lesson that my Economics degree taught me.  Every hour that I spend going to Biodanza class or writing this blog is an hour I can’t also spend getting some sleep or reading a favorite book – life is all about choices.  

But – right before you make that choice – there’s that beautiful, pregnant pause…where it really does seem like you can have it all – where the possibilities are endless and you can’t possibly dream how it’s going to turn out.   Don’t miss it – it’ll be pass by in a flash before you know it. 

Poof – your kids will be all grown up already.  Poof - you’ll become a Certified Yoga Instructor – and think wistfully about the time when you were seriously considering becoming a Biodanza teacher instead.  Poof - you’ll settle into the work of writing term papers and going to class, but think back to how nice it was when the schools were working hard to recruit you rather than grade you on the quality of your output.   Poof – someday (hopefully) I’ll be married with two kids, a dog, a picket fence, and a successful career as a Life Coach (or ???) – and I’ll think back wistfully to this time in my life when I had endless time and energy to do whatever I wanted – whatever compels me at each given moment – without any obligations or responsibilities.  

This time – right now – is a precious gift for me (and for you).  If I can stay present with it and embrace the uncertainty and opportunities that my life holds – and if I can continually ask myself, “What do I want to do right now?” this can be a magical time for me.   If I can resist the usual urge that emerges right at this time in a breakup – once the dust settles – to throw myself headfirst into a new relationship or commitment in order  avoid my discomfort with being alone and get off this shaky ground, I have a feeling that I’ll find riches beyond belief in this "define as I go, celibate path of self and life exploration" that I am on.  May you find joy in whatever path of exploration you are on as well – moment by moment, step by step.