On Friendships Across a Lifetime

My Wedding - Big Transition!

I haven’t completely given up on this blog, but it has been a while since I have written - apologies to my readers!  Today I am feeling nostalgic and figured I’d share some of what has been on my mind lately.   I’m currently in the process of moving across town to live with my new husband and am also part of a new office and department at work – in almost every phase of my life, things are shifting and changing, mostly for the better.

My AGD Girls in College!

One side effect of all of this change and transition is it is reminding me of the phases and people and memories that have come before this current one.   I find myself pondering a line from Nelly Furtado’s song, “Try.”  It goes, “I have lived so many lives, though I’m not old…”  That quote really resonates with me – as I think back over the years to my childhood and high school days in the Chicago suburbs, undergraduate days in Indiana, post-undergraduate days in Cincinnati, grad school days in Columbus, Girly Girl days when I first moved to San Francisco, then my Geek Love days in San Francisco, and now my Biodanza days in San Francisco.   I’ve also had many wonderful colleagues come and go throughout that time.

In addition to the friends and acquaintances that I’ve made through activities and other things directly related to me, I’ve also formed relationships over the years through people that I’ve dated – my first husband, my post-divorce relationships, and now through my second husband. 

On one hand, I feel blessed and grateful for all of these friendships –and I’m still friends with many of these individuals on Facebook and through other virtual means.  I enjoy catching up on what they are up to and cheer them on as they get new jobs, new relationships, and now as many of them become parents.  

But, I am also aware that as I have moved around and across the country and as I have moved out of these various phases and love relationships that my connection with many of these friends has weakened over the years.  Most of the fault for that lies with me.  I am unfailingly bad at maintaining long-distance relationships – and often have trouble picking up the phone and calling people who even live in the same city as me. 

I suspect that I am not alone in this quandary – or at least I hope I am not.  In this day and age, it seems to be not unusual to have wide networks of acquaintances and online connections but few deep, lifelong core friendships.   I don’t quite know how to fix this – it seems to take up most of my energy just to make time to go home and reconnect with my family in Chicago each year – I worry even that those relationships suffer from my distance away.

I saw a cartoon on Facebook the other day that showed someone’s wake with only one person there in the audience discussing how surprised they were to see the place empty because the person has so many friends on Facebook.  I laughed – but I also secretly cringed wondering if that will be me someday.

Do you think this technology that we have is a blessing or a curse?  On one hand, it is a lifeline for me because I still keep up with friends around my phone on my smartphone on the bus, but maybe it is also a curse because it lulls me into a false sense of security – it gives me a false impression that I am “keeping up my friendships” when really I am missing some deeper, more authentic way to do it. 

My husband is a master at calling his friends frequently – he is constantly chatting with people on the phone and making plans to see them and talking about what is going on in their lives – I am really inspired watching him and suspect that he is on to something, but also exhausted watching him.  When I come work at the end of the day or am relaxing after a long work week of working with students, the last thing I want to do is pick up the phone and call someone.  Yet, who has more close friendships?  Who has friendships that have lasted a lifetime?

Someone passed me a quote once that said something like, “Friendships are there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”  I really like that quote – and I also like that you can’t predict in advance which of the three will be true for your relationships.  I do hope to make some close friendships with fellow moms when I have kids someday and have heard that those can be some of the closest friendships. 

Still, how do you make and keep those friendships that do last for a lifetime?  And, how do you know where to even start?  Which phase of your life do you pull from?  Should you focus on the people that you click the most with?  The people who are available the most?  The people who live closest to you? 

My Wonderful Bridesmaids

So many people over the years are near and dear to my heart (hopefully some of you reading this), and it is not for lack of love that I don’t keep in touch better.  I wish I was stronger at maintaining friendships and I do get lonely sometimes.  I was just listening to the song, “Now and Forever” by Carole King and really teared up – somehow this latest round of transitions is really bringing up old memories and making me miss my friends near and far more than usual - even as I'm busy organizing and packing and taking care of logistics. 

My Wonderful Family

I do think about moving back to the Midwest, too – and maybe I will someday.   I spend my life feeling torn between two coasts.  I love my job and the work that I do out here at the University of San Francisco, I love the weather out here (esp. when it’s not foggy), and I love the culture and opportunities available out in San Francisco.  But, I miss being closer to the people I love in the Midwest and being able to drive to Bloomington or Louisville or Cincinnati for a road trip.   I miss being able to really be there for and with my friends who have kids – to experience more than just the pictures or an occasional visit.   I miss casual get togethers with friends – birthday parties and potlucks and holiday celebrations other than the big ones.  When I have my own family, I desperately want them to experience the kind of love and camaraderie that I grew up with.

What will the future hold?  I don’t know – I suspect that this problem isn’t going to go away and that I will be torn between two coasts for more than a little while.  After all, even I did move back to Chicago, I would be missing the life and the connections that I have out here.

My Wonderful Mom - She Is My Best Friend!

I don’t have any easy answers – but I try to be open and honest on this blog.  And, this is what is on my mind today – and has been for a while now.  For those of you that I know personally, I miss you – and I hope that we get to connect more soon.  You are very important to me, and I cherish the memories that we have together.  

For those of you that I don’t know personally, hopefully this has raised some questions or made you think more deeply about a predicament that I believe is emblematic of the age we are in – as life flies by and connections come and go, how you make and maintain friendships across a lifetime?   Are Twitter and Facebook the answer – or is there something more that we are missing?

Nelly Furtado - "Try"

Carole King - "Now and Forever"

Now and Forever Lyrics

Songwriters: KING, CAROLE

Now and forever, you are a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knife
Didn't we find the ecstasy, didn't we share the daylight
When you walked into my life

Now and forever, I'll remember
All the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken

We had a moment, just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do all we got to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you

Didn't we come together, didn't we live together
Didn't we cry together
Didn't we play together, didn't we love together
And together we lit up the world

I miss the tears, I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you
Now and forever, I will always be with you

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/carole_king/now_and_forever.html ]

On Taking Risks – and Not Being Afraid to Make Mistakes

As a recovering perfectionist, I sometimes have a tendency to fear the unknown and succumb to decision paralysis – risk-taking and spontaneity are not natural impulses for me, although I cherish new adventures and opportunities.

The Cowardly Lion = Me :)

Since getting divorced a few years ago, I find that I am more risk averse than I was in my early 20’s.  The thought of branching out in a new career direction or someday opening my own business seems scary because as a single woman I am fully responsible for supporting myself in the world.  If I jump ship or make a move unwisely, I might find myself without a roof over my head or scrambling to find my next meal – at the very least, I might end up needing to leave California and beg my parents to let me stay with them in Chicago for a little while.  Luckily, I am pleased with the direction that my current position is going in at USF – I just wonder if it will someday fit with my lifestyle if I have kids and want to spend more time with them – or if I someday want to advance to higher level positions.

On the romance front, I am even more unsure of myself – after all, I’ve now seen two serious relationships disintegrate from love and promise and potential to criticism, contempt and disappointment. 

How am I to trust when someone professes their affection and admiration for me that they will still be doing so months or years down the line when the honeymoon fades and the work of relationship begins?  Will they roll up their sleeves and fight with me to find middle ground and make a partnership work?  Could I someday trust them enough to have kids and raise a family with them?  Would I be making a mistake by opening my heart to yet another person?  These are the thoughts that now run through my head when I meet a new dating prospect.  Sexy, right?

I wonder if some of you reading this blog have experienced similar fears about making a mistake…on either the career or the romance front.   If so, what has been helpful for you?  How have you let yourself be paralyzed by fear or have you found a way to cope with these doubts?

One thing that I have found very helpful lately is the work of John Krumboltz and Al Levin on Career Happenstance – most notably featured in the book, Luck is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career.   This theory focuses on the idea that unplanned events, or chance occurrences lead to unexpected life directions and career choices and often have more influence on our lives than all of our careful planning efforts.  This theory suggests that there are no mistakes – just opportunities to learn from experiences and move in new directions – and says that it is never too late to change directions – and there is no need to stick with a plan that is no longer working with you. 

Krumboltz and Levin encourage readers to be aware of their surroundings for possible opportunities, take risks even when rejection is a possible outcome, and be adaptable and open-minded – basically go with the flow of what life throws at you.  They encourage people to try out possible career opportunities through job shadows, internships, night classes and other means before making a final decision and not to be afraid to turn back if those experiences turn out to be less enjoyable than anticipated.

While most of the examples in the book are career-oriented, I think the ideas of the theory have applications for love as well – after all, how many people talk about meeting their sweetheart while on a business trip or in a new workout class or on some chance occasion? 

In reassuring readers to take risks and try things even without knowing the outcome, Krumboltz shares this passage in the book that I find particularly encouraging:

“If you try something new, you may succeed or you may fail, you may like it or you may hate it, you may make new friends or even enemies, and you may produce consequences that you never expected – including some that you may never even know about.  Trying something new is a risk.  You don’t know in advance what the result will be…However, if you want to be absolutely sure about your results, there is one thing you can do – nothing!  When you do nothing, you can be sure that nothing will result.”

I love that idea – no matter what you do, there is a chance that you will fail – you could fail or you could succeed beyond your wildest dreams.  As Pema Chodron often reminds us, we have no idea what is going to happen in life – we don’t know what the results of our actions will be.  But…if you lock yourself in your apartment and do nothing… it is pretty certain that nothing is going to happen. 

This perspective gives me encouragement to get out there in the world…try new hobbies…take new classes…learn new skills…meet new people personally and professionally.  Visit new places – after all, I just visited Madison, Wisconsin this week and met some cool new people – who knows, maybe I will someday end up living in Madison – then again, maybe not?  It is good to have it as an option, though…and I believe I’m better off for having had a new adventure rather than sticking only to the familiar and comfortable.

Even if you do “make a mistake,” as long as you keep a learning perspective, it is not a lost opportunity.  While I do regret getting divorced in my 20’s and having had a recent relationship break-up, I can also attest that some of my greatest life lessons have come from those experiences, and I am a better, stronger person for having had them. 

So, if you are considering taking a risk and jumping in to a new adventure – in love, career, or any other area of your life – I say go for it – give life a chance to deliver you the opportunity of your dreams and continue your path of lifelong learning.  You never know what will happen but you do not if you give in to your doubts and hold yourself back, what will happen – nothing!

In closing, I am including one of my favorite quotes from growing up that relates to this idea and a link to the video for “I Hope You Dance” an old favorite of mine from Lee Ann Womack – Enjoy!

"Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth."- William Purkey

Read more: http://www.rateitall.com/i-47211-dance-like-no-one-is-watching-love-like-youll-never-be-hurtsing-like-no-one-is-listeningand-live-like-its-heaven-on-earth-william-purkey.aspx#ixzz1U0mGGNhE

I Hope You Dance lyrics
Songwriters: Sanders, Mark D.; Sillers, Tia;

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lee-ann-womack-lyrics/i-hope-you-dance-lyrics.html |]

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)

On Mindful Vacationing - and the Joys of Traveling Alone

What an enchanting evening! 

Her name is Kimberly, too!

Instead of going directly home after the career conference that I was at this past two days, I decided to stay in San Antonio and enjoy an afternoon and evening in the city.  While I have had many solo adventures in San Francisco the past few months and have tackled many airports and train stations by myself, this was the first time I can recall being a “solo vacationer,” particularly on a Saturday, prime weekend day and night - "date night" as it was once referred to in Sex and the City by Charlotte.  (Note - picture of Kimberly from the following link)

While traveling by yourself can at times make you feel isolated and somewhat sad, there are some remarkable things about it.  I’ve found this weekend that I have been so much more observant and aware of everything around me – and less concerned about the details of traveling.  It is fun to watch all of the people around me – families with their children, young adults out on dates, the staff diligently serving patrons, and groups of partiers living it up – it is neat to observe see the dynamics of their interactions unfold. 

Even better, I’m finding that if you can resist the temptation to bury yourself in a book or distract yourself with your smart phone (a hard thing to do), there are so many rich and delicious things to be mindful of while you are traveling.   This evening, I went down to the concierge station and bravely asked for a restaurant recommendation (something I ordinarily do not think to do) – and I ended up with the most delicious find – a delightful Tuscan Italian restaurant called Tre Trattoria overlooking a park and horse drawn carriage rides and beautiful rustic style buildings. 

Courtesy of Trip Advisor

As each course of my meal came, I made a real point to savor each and every bite – to smell each sip of the wine and let it ease down my throat, let the marinated Portobello mushrooms and gnocchi move around my mouth before swallowing, and enjoy every rich bit of the decadent nutella / molten chocolate cake that I had for dessert.  I interacted with the staff and the manager, listened to the soft classical and jazz music in the background, and watched the sun set slowly outside the window of the restaurant. 

Instead of being consumed by my conversation (or argument) with my dinner partner, I was instead consumed by the very experience of eating and enjoying delicate cuisine – it reminded me of the “Eat” part of Eat, Pray Love – and my own days studying abroad in Florence the summer after my freshman year in college and enjoying the rich wine and cuisine of Tuscany in abundance.  While I am very much in favor of meditation and a focus on the basics, I can definitely see how cultivating a genuine love and appreciation for the joy of eating can make one’s life more joyful.  One final plus of dining alone – I was able to double-dip my bread into the olive oil and no one cared!

Fiesta Noche del Rio

After dinner, I made my way down to the Riverwalk, and managed to stumble into Spanish singing / dancing Mariachi Band concert (Fiesta Noche del Rio) – in an outdoor amphitheater along the river –for $5 – donated to a children’s charity.  What an awesome find!  Rather than being consumed by pre-set expectations for the night, I bought my ticket and just went with it – the music was great, the performers were vibrant and colorful, and the environment was magical – it had a real historical, uniquely San Antonio feel.  (Note - picture from the following link)

Courtesy of Arellis49 on Flikr

Altogether, the evening was magical – it was such a treat to stroll along the Riverwalk in a skirt and tank top completely comfortable with a pleasant breeze coming off the water – the breeze felt truly enchanting.  Again, I probably would have noticed the breeze if I was traveling with a group, but not the degree that I was able to all on my own – I could feel it on my body, breathe it in my lungs, smell it in my nose – the degree to which I perceived the sensory details of the experience was notably more intense than it has been at other times in my life.

Of course, perhaps part of the reason I enjoyed the experience so much had less to do with the fact that I was by myself and more to do with the fact that I am becoming more mindful and making a point to “let go” and enjoy the experience of letting life unfold more – I am fully willing to admit that.  I’ve also noticed positive effects of my being more assertive these days in my hotel stay – I just called the front desk to ask when the omelette station opens up at the brunch (because it wasn’t available this morning) and without blinking an eye, they compensated me for $25 of my dining charges – basically about as much as my breakfast was this morning – amazing! 

Who knew all of these wonderful things could result from simply speaking up and honoring my experience – I didn’t get mean or make a big deal – I just asked some questions and stayed true to my desire to (ideally) have an omelet in the morning if I’m paying a significant amount for breakfast.

Anyway, whether or not the positive experiences I have had on this trip have been due to my traveling alone or whether they’ve been the result of my personal growth (or a combination of the two), I highly encourage each of you to travel by yourself at least once in your life if you haven’t yet had the opportunity – and I encourage you to practice mindful eating and mindful sightseeing the next time you are out and about in a city that it is not your own.

I’m curious, those of you reading this blog who feel inclined to comment – have any of you ever taken a vacation trip on your own?  Or made a point to be particularly mindful on a trip?  How did it go?  What did you learn from the experience? 

On Embracing Uncertainty - and Resisting the Urge to Attach

As I’ve mentioned once or twice on this blog, I have decided to take a vow of celibacy – a vow of celibacy to last until I am comfortable and satisfied being by myself and no longer depend on partners or external attachments to make me happy.  Until I would like the enrichment of a partner in my life but do not feel a compelling need to have one in order to be “whole.” 

Unlike Jerry McGuire, I ideally would not like to tell my next partner, “You Complete Me.”  I want to get to a point where I feel in every fiber of my being that “I Complete Me” – and a partner would just be icing on the cake.  Once I know in my heart and my gut that I have reached that point - then I can open my heart to explore all of the wonders that the dating pool has to offer - then I can open up to the possibility of meeting my next life partner when the universe sees fit to bring us together.

When I first broke up with my ex-boyfriend a month ago, this seemed like a relatively easy vow to make – our lives were so wrapped up with each other during our relationship that the new space and freedom in my life seemed like a breathe of fresh air – I was eager to go out into the world and explore everything that it has to offer.  I believe this attitude of creatively and appreciate is one to try and maintain at all times as best you can – some like to call it a “Beginner’s Mind."

This week, some of the “work” of my celibacy vow has started to come in as the initial excitement has worn off, and I’ve begun to truly internalize the fact that I am alone for the time being in this journey of mine.  Sure, I have tons of friends and loved ones and people to interact with along this adventure, but in the end, I’m the only one on my particular itinerary – this is a solo trip - there is no one to depend upon but me (and God).

As the excitement has faded and the work of maintaining the commitment has set in, many questions have arisen in my mind.  What does a vow of celibacy really mean to me?  Should I go on dates with people?  Should I meet friends for tea?  Am I isolating myself too much?  Too little?  Am I still continuing to make the most of what life has to offer given that I could die any moment now?  Am I still giving and sharing enough love with the world?  How can I and should I meet my natural human desire for intimacy during this period of celibacy?  As you can see, lots of questions have arisen – and I don’t yet know all of the answers to those questions.  To some degree, I am going to have to play this one by ear – listening carefully to my gut along the way.

Other things have come up for me as well.  Desire and grasping have been a big theme in my world this past week – one of the five hindrances that we learn about in the dharma.  Rather than focusing on the present, I have found myself desiring for others’ company and frantically searching the Internet for training programs in every modality under the sun to join – basically just another way of searching for another person or another thing to define me and center my life around - old habits die hard.  As Howard Cohn likes to mention in his teachings at Mission Dharma, I have been falling into the delusion of thinking, If I have X…or if Y happens…or if I am with Z…THEN I’ll be happy, then Life Will Be Grand. 

Just like a impatient soul eagerly wanting to skip ahead to the end of a great book in order to see what happens…I find myself wanting to skip past this juicy and exciting period of exploration and attach myself to something once and for all – to become a life coach or a yoga teacher or a Biodanza instructor or a Reiki practitioner or a Hypnotherapist – or an ordained Buddhist minister – or better yet all of them – already – and be there tomorrow!  In my delusion and desire and discomfort with uncertainty, I am forgetting that this period of exploration - of trying things on for size - is the FUN PART!

I encourage you to all think of a time in your life when you have fallen into the same patterns of delusion – when you’ve been job searching and have been eager to just quit the process and FIND A JOB already.   When you’ve been going on dates and exploring the dating pool and have been eager to just FIND A MATE already.  When you’ve been visiting grad schools and applying to programs and have been eager to just FIND A PROGRAM already.  We’ve all been there, right?

The problem is – when we get to that point in our lives…that delicious and precious time when the world truly is our oyster and we can follow just about any fork in the road – we miss the very beauty of it by hurrying along to GET TO THE END ALREADY.  We rush the process in order to avoid the uncertainty – rather than embracing the possibilities that it brings.   Life is full of opportunity costs, and we can’t have everything – that’s a basic lesson that my Economics degree taught me.  Every hour that I spend going to Biodanza class or writing this blog is an hour I can’t also spend getting some sleep or reading a favorite book – life is all about choices.  

But – right before you make that choice – there’s that beautiful, pregnant pause…where it really does seem like you can have it all – where the possibilities are endless and you can’t possibly dream how it’s going to turn out.   Don’t miss it – it’ll be pass by in a flash before you know it. 

Poof – your kids will be all grown up already.  Poof - you’ll become a Certified Yoga Instructor – and think wistfully about the time when you were seriously considering becoming a Biodanza teacher instead.  Poof - you’ll settle into the work of writing term papers and going to class, but think back to how nice it was when the schools were working hard to recruit you rather than grade you on the quality of your output.   Poof – someday (hopefully) I’ll be married with two kids, a dog, a picket fence, and a successful career as a Life Coach (or ???) – and I’ll think back wistfully to this time in my life when I had endless time and energy to do whatever I wanted – whatever compels me at each given moment – without any obligations or responsibilities.  

This time – right now – is a precious gift for me (and for you).  If I can stay present with it and embrace the uncertainty and opportunities that my life holds – and if I can continually ask myself, “What do I want to do right now?” this can be a magical time for me.   If I can resist the usual urge that emerges right at this time in a breakup – once the dust settles – to throw myself headfirst into a new relationship or commitment in order  avoid my discomfort with being alone and get off this shaky ground, I have a feeling that I’ll find riches beyond belief in this "define as I go, celibate path of self and life exploration" that I am on.  May you find joy in whatever path of exploration you are on as well – moment by moment, step by step.

The Physics of the Quest - on Life's Lessons and Opportunities

Ten years ago today, my ex-husband and I went on a day hike together and transitioned from being friends to having a romantic connection.  We later counted that day as our dating anniversary and went through numerous trials and tribulations together during our years of dating, marriage, separation, and eventually divorce.  

Ten years later, I had a pivotal lunch today with a colleague who will be heading up our new Advising Center on campus and feel a sense of wonder and excitement about the direction that my life is now taking as a divorced, single woman – our upcoming transition into this new center may turn out to be exactly the opportunity and turning point for which I have been yearning.  Ten years ago, today signified an important beginning in my life, and I have a feeling that later on I will look back and reflect that today signified an important beginning in my life as well - the start of a wonderful new working relationship.

This past week, I have been reflecting on the many different perspectives through which we as individuals can view our lives.  A seemingly small event or introduction can someday turn out to have a much larger significance.  And, even an entire relationship can later be seen as part of a much larger arc.

This past weekend, as I re-read Finding the Right One After Divorce: Avoiding the 13 Common Mistakes People Make in Remarriage (by Edward Tauber and Jim Smoke), I saw clearly for the first time how my lack of healing from my divorce and my overall developmental needs contributed to my getting into and staying in a difficult relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  Because I am still mastering the art of being alone, I have been going through life continually looking for someone to rescue and take care of me – my mother, my ex-husband, my transitional partner, and now my ex-boyfriend.  I have not had the necessary foundation to form a healthy, non-codependent relationship.  I have also not fully developed my discernment and confidence to vocalize my needs – to fully assert my solar plexus and third eye chakras – thus, as I mentioned in previous entries, I have been staying in situations that are not right for too long in order to avoid rejecting others or hurting people’s feelings.

None of this makes me a bad person – and I am not the only person in the world who has developmental tasks or challenges that they need to address along their life journey towards self-actualization.  My observation is that some people encounter obstacles early in life and use it as an opportunity to grow – if they are lucky like me, someone or something in their life stands in their way and they are able to extract lessons from it.  Other people manage to go through their early life on autopilot and encounter their difficulties in mid-life – when something finally triggers them to start examining their life, their relationships, and their behaviors.  

Almost everyone whom I’ve met in Biodanza or meditation seems to have been drawn to that path by encountering one of the basic realities of life – suffering, impermanence, or disappointment – through the death of a parent or child, divorce, coming to grips with aging, health problems, etc.   We can choose to be angry and hateful about these turn of events, but I like to think of these realities as blessings and opportunities – to see the truth, clarify who we are, and grow.   When I look at my life as a larger journey, I do not regret a single experience – because they have all helped to shape the person who I am today and the person whom I am slowly but surely becoming.

These ideas have clear applications for career development work as well.  When I graduated from college, I accepted a job offer at Procter & Gamble and went to work for them in their market research department.  As a high achieving student with multiple majors, minors and certificates, a top notch GPA, and a successful internship under my belt, I figured that I could do no wrong – and I had very little idea of what my true preferences and talents were.  I had taken numerous career assessments and flat-lined most of them – for example, my Myers Briggs test results put me right in the middle on every attribute except the E-I dimension – I knew I was extraverted, but that was about it.  I had earned a Bachelor’s degree in both Psychology and Economics and had earned 5’s on the AP Calculus, Microeconomics, and History exams in high school – i.e. I was able to succeed at just about any topic in school if I applied my full effort and mental acumen towards it.

It wasn’t until I got into my full-time role at P&G with a highly detail-oriented, STJ (Sensing, Thinking, Judging) manager and started to fail miserably at my job that my true preferences emerged.  I recall sitting in a meeting with our senior manager and having her tell me, “Kimberly, I see the issue here – you strongly prefer F (Feeling) and P (Perceiving) and everyone else here strongly prefers T (Thinking) and J (Judging)."  To my strongly STJ colleagues, my speaking and writing patterns seemed highly disorganized, scattered, and off-topic and my desire to make a difference and serve others rather than make money and increase profits did not make sense to them.  That manager saw my inner strengths and potential and ultimately helped me to transition from that job at Procter & Gamble into an unprecedented opportunity to be an outplacement client through Right Management Associates (for which I will forever be grateful).  

Still, the important lesson that I learned there – and emphasize with students and clients – is that it was through failure and making mistakes that I was finally able to see clearly who I am – an educator and motivator who prefers ENFP (Extroverted, Intuition, Feeling, and Perceiving).  Sometimes we have to fall down in order to pick ourselves up and get ourselves on the path that we were supposed to be on in the first place – towards our true calling(s), towards our life partner(s), towards the experiences that are waiting for us to discover.

Over Christmas break this past year, I watched the movie version of the book Eat, Pray, Love with my parents and was really inspired by the quote / voiceover that Julie Roberts shares at the end of the movie.  As I continue on my current path through life, I feel this quote really fits with what I’ve discovering about life – and what I’ve attempted to capture in this post.  If you haven’t seen the movie yet, I encourage you to take time to do so!

"...I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call  'The Physics of The Quest'" - a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. 

And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and 

if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and 

if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and 

if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself...

...then the truth will not be withheld from you.  Or so I've come to believe."