On Preparing for the Biggest Transition of My Life

Here is a post that I wrote a week and a half ago (4/22/15) – grateful I finally have the chance to publish it before the birth of our little one - which is still impending!

Me at 37 weeks!

So for those of you who may not know….the big news is I am pregnant – finally – 38 weeks pregnant to be exact!  I am very excited about this turn of events and have been luckily having an enjoyable and eventful pregnancy thus far.   Today marks the day that I enter into my birth month as sometime in the next four weeks I should have this baby if all goes well. 

As I prepare for labor and childbirth and the gigantic, never-ending task of parenthood that comes after, I find myself really thinking about how much my life is about to change.   I truly believe that this is the biggest transition and life change that anyone could ever go through, except (as my husband reminded me) for death.   Once I have this baby, it will never again be all about me.   I may never again feel comfortable turning off my cell phone and completely checking out from the world unless I have secured reliable care for my little one.   As my cousin-in-law Michelle put it in a recent message to me, “Soon things will never be the same…they will be more hectic, more trying, and BETTER even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment.”

Of course, as those of you who have been reading my blog for a while are aware, I have been wanting  to be a mom for a very long time, practically as long as I can remember.  As I’ve watched this baby grow inside me (he/she was just visible moving around in my tummy), I am in awe of what our bodies are capable of – at no time have I ever been so connected to my mammalian roots.  As much I am tempted to think my way through all of this, it is the animal part of me that knows how to birth this baby and the animal part of me that knows how to nurse and take care of it.   I am honored to carry this baby and to be so close a witness and participant to this miracle. 

I've got big shoes to fill!

Still, there is definitely a part of me hanging on to the familiar and comfortable, a part of me that is not quite ready to let go of the status quo, a part of me that is not ready to let go of life as I currently know it.   Right now, I live in a world where I get up leisurely, plan out my free time however I want it (for the most part), and generally put my needs first.  If I’m hungry, I grab something to eat.  If I’m tired, I get some sleep as soon as I can.   If I feel like coming home and reading a book or listening to music on a Friday night, I do it.  I am often able to do nourishing things like go to yoga or massage or acupuncture or dance classes, and as I near the end of those things, I ponder what other relaxing things I’d like to do with the rest of my day or evening.   Of course, I too have to pay bills and go to work and do chores like everyone else, but for the most part, I live a pampered, easy life. 

That pampered, easy life is going to vanish in an instant sometime in the next hours or days or weeks.   Soon, I’ll be lucky if I even get a spare moment to go the bathroom, eat a quick snack, or grab a thirty-minute nap.  I’ll go through a mysterious, challenging, transformative birth and then launch into weeks and weeks and years of care for this helpless little being who will need me every moment.  I’ll do the best I can and give as much as I can and then give even more beyond that.  I’ll encounter depths of tiredness that I never even thought possible.   I’ll deal with more pee and poop and spit up and fluids than I ever thought possible.   

This book I read a long time ago by Barbara C. Unell called The Eight Seasons of Parenthood names the newborn / baby phase the Sponge phase because you are wrung out and constantly dealing with fluids and mess while “surrendering your former identity to the essentials of caring for a baby.”  Coincidentally, she calls the pregnancy phase the celebrity phase as you "go through the self-absorption of impending parenthood."   Basically you go from being Cinderella at the ball to Cinderella the household maid – a giant change in status in a very short amount of time.

That brings up a whole other aspect as well.   Not only have I gotten accustomed to being a pampered adult focused on my own needs, I have also gotten used to being a pregnant woman at this point.   As a pregnant woman, you get to be the center of attention often, get to go to prenatal yoga and meetups and classes, and get to join this transitory clique of pregnant women.   With any luck, I’ll get to continue growing relationships with some of these women “on the other side” and get to know their babies as well, but we will see.   Pregnancy is a window into a whole other aspect of society that you don’t get to experience at any other time in your life.

At this point, I feel like I’m right at the transition.   A lot of the women that I’ve met along the way are now gone from the pregnant circles, and if I’m lucky, I’ve received an announcement or text from them sharing the great news of their baby’s arrival.  I’ve received several cute photos of women and their partners and the miraculous little ones that emerged from the bellies that I got to know these past few months.   Now a lot of the women at these pregnancy events are earlier on in their pregnancy journey and I’m one of the “senior” or “queen” mamas sharing advice and tips of the trade.   It truly seems surreal to me.  There is a part of me that can’t quite grasp how these women I got to know as pregnant now have these cute little ones that came out of them and are now knee deep in the unknown that is early parenthood.

Right now, I just can’t quite get it into my brain that this belly that I am carrying is going to go away and the squirmy little creature inside of me is going to come out of my baby and completely rock my world very soon – any hour, any day, any week, now.   I am basically on alert for the next few weeks.   When my time comes, I will go through whatever labor experience is in store for me and transform through whatever that entails.  The being that is Kimberly the married, young adult will disappear forever and become Kimberly the mom, a completely new incarnation of myself.   The next phase of my life will begin.   The world that I inhabit will shift.  Am I ready?  I hope so – I’m not sure you can ever truly be ready.  

Nervous and Excited!

While I am naturally apprehensive, I look forward to filling up the pages of this new chapter and seeing who me and my baby become – together we will embark in a new world and on a new adventure together.   I look forward to experiencing the rest that life has to offer and to loving this little one inside me on the outside with all of my heart.  

Stay tuned for more tales “from the other side” once the initial storm subsides.  You can also follow photos and updates re: our little one at littlecowan15.shutterfly.com.    Thanks for your support and well wishes!

Photos courtesy of my neighbor and friend Sherrie Ladegast!


I've had this song from my Biodanza class in my head lately - "Adiumus" by Karl Jenkins.   Apparently, it is also connected with the movie Avatar which I was fond of a few years ago.  For me, it brings up themes of bravery, courage, leaping forward, and solidarity with others.

On Friendships Across a Lifetime

My Wedding - Big Transition!

I haven’t completely given up on this blog, but it has been a while since I have written - apologies to my readers!  Today I am feeling nostalgic and figured I’d share some of what has been on my mind lately.   I’m currently in the process of moving across town to live with my new husband and am also part of a new office and department at work – in almost every phase of my life, things are shifting and changing, mostly for the better.

My AGD Girls in College!

One side effect of all of this change and transition is it is reminding me of the phases and people and memories that have come before this current one.   I find myself pondering a line from Nelly Furtado’s song, “Try.”  It goes, “I have lived so many lives, though I’m not old…”  That quote really resonates with me – as I think back over the years to my childhood and high school days in the Chicago suburbs, undergraduate days in Indiana, post-undergraduate days in Cincinnati, grad school days in Columbus, Girly Girl days when I first moved to San Francisco, then my Geek Love days in San Francisco, and now my Biodanza days in San Francisco.   I’ve also had many wonderful colleagues come and go throughout that time.

In addition to the friends and acquaintances that I’ve made through activities and other things directly related to me, I’ve also formed relationships over the years through people that I’ve dated – my first husband, my post-divorce relationships, and now through my second husband. 

On one hand, I feel blessed and grateful for all of these friendships –and I’m still friends with many of these individuals on Facebook and through other virtual means.  I enjoy catching up on what they are up to and cheer them on as they get new jobs, new relationships, and now as many of them become parents.  

But, I am also aware that as I have moved around and across the country and as I have moved out of these various phases and love relationships that my connection with many of these friends has weakened over the years.  Most of the fault for that lies with me.  I am unfailingly bad at maintaining long-distance relationships – and often have trouble picking up the phone and calling people who even live in the same city as me. 

I suspect that I am not alone in this quandary – or at least I hope I am not.  In this day and age, it seems to be not unusual to have wide networks of acquaintances and online connections but few deep, lifelong core friendships.   I don’t quite know how to fix this – it seems to take up most of my energy just to make time to go home and reconnect with my family in Chicago each year – I worry even that those relationships suffer from my distance away.

I saw a cartoon on Facebook the other day that showed someone’s wake with only one person there in the audience discussing how surprised they were to see the place empty because the person has so many friends on Facebook.  I laughed – but I also secretly cringed wondering if that will be me someday.

Do you think this technology that we have is a blessing or a curse?  On one hand, it is a lifeline for me because I still keep up with friends around my phone on my smartphone on the bus, but maybe it is also a curse because it lulls me into a false sense of security – it gives me a false impression that I am “keeping up my friendships” when really I am missing some deeper, more authentic way to do it. 

My husband is a master at calling his friends frequently – he is constantly chatting with people on the phone and making plans to see them and talking about what is going on in their lives – I am really inspired watching him and suspect that he is on to something, but also exhausted watching him.  When I come work at the end of the day or am relaxing after a long work week of working with students, the last thing I want to do is pick up the phone and call someone.  Yet, who has more close friendships?  Who has friendships that have lasted a lifetime?

Someone passed me a quote once that said something like, “Friendships are there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”  I really like that quote – and I also like that you can’t predict in advance which of the three will be true for your relationships.  I do hope to make some close friendships with fellow moms when I have kids someday and have heard that those can be some of the closest friendships. 

Still, how do you make and keep those friendships that do last for a lifetime?  And, how do you know where to even start?  Which phase of your life do you pull from?  Should you focus on the people that you click the most with?  The people who are available the most?  The people who live closest to you? 

My Wonderful Bridesmaids

So many people over the years are near and dear to my heart (hopefully some of you reading this), and it is not for lack of love that I don’t keep in touch better.  I wish I was stronger at maintaining friendships and I do get lonely sometimes.  I was just listening to the song, “Now and Forever” by Carole King and really teared up – somehow this latest round of transitions is really bringing up old memories and making me miss my friends near and far more than usual - even as I'm busy organizing and packing and taking care of logistics. 

My Wonderful Family

I do think about moving back to the Midwest, too – and maybe I will someday.   I spend my life feeling torn between two coasts.  I love my job and the work that I do out here at the University of San Francisco, I love the weather out here (esp. when it’s not foggy), and I love the culture and opportunities available out in San Francisco.  But, I miss being closer to the people I love in the Midwest and being able to drive to Bloomington or Louisville or Cincinnati for a road trip.   I miss being able to really be there for and with my friends who have kids – to experience more than just the pictures or an occasional visit.   I miss casual get togethers with friends – birthday parties and potlucks and holiday celebrations other than the big ones.  When I have my own family, I desperately want them to experience the kind of love and camaraderie that I grew up with.

What will the future hold?  I don’t know – I suspect that this problem isn’t going to go away and that I will be torn between two coasts for more than a little while.  After all, even I did move back to Chicago, I would be missing the life and the connections that I have out here.

My Wonderful Mom - She Is My Best Friend!

I don’t have any easy answers – but I try to be open and honest on this blog.  And, this is what is on my mind today – and has been for a while now.  For those of you that I know personally, I miss you – and I hope that we get to connect more soon.  You are very important to me, and I cherish the memories that we have together.  

For those of you that I don’t know personally, hopefully this has raised some questions or made you think more deeply about a predicament that I believe is emblematic of the age we are in – as life flies by and connections come and go, how you make and maintain friendships across a lifetime?   Are Twitter and Facebook the answer – or is there something more that we are missing?

Nelly Furtado - "Try"

Carole King - "Now and Forever"

Now and Forever Lyrics

Songwriters: KING, CAROLE

Now and forever, you are a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knife
Didn't we find the ecstasy, didn't we share the daylight
When you walked into my life

Now and forever, I'll remember
All the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken

We had a moment, just one moment
That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do all we got to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you

Didn't we come together, didn't we live together
Didn't we cry together
Didn't we play together, didn't we love together
And together we lit up the world

I miss the tears, I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to do
Now and forever, I will always think of you
Now and forever, I will always be with you

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/carole_king/now_and_forever.html ]

On Taking Risks – and Not Being Afraid to Make Mistakes

As a recovering perfectionist, I sometimes have a tendency to fear the unknown and succumb to decision paralysis – risk-taking and spontaneity are not natural impulses for me, although I cherish new adventures and opportunities.

The Cowardly Lion = Me :)

Since getting divorced a few years ago, I find that I am more risk averse than I was in my early 20’s.  The thought of branching out in a new career direction or someday opening my own business seems scary because as a single woman I am fully responsible for supporting myself in the world.  If I jump ship or make a move unwisely, I might find myself without a roof over my head or scrambling to find my next meal – at the very least, I might end up needing to leave California and beg my parents to let me stay with them in Chicago for a little while.  Luckily, I am pleased with the direction that my current position is going in at USF – I just wonder if it will someday fit with my lifestyle if I have kids and want to spend more time with them – or if I someday want to advance to higher level positions.

On the romance front, I am even more unsure of myself – after all, I’ve now seen two serious relationships disintegrate from love and promise and potential to criticism, contempt and disappointment. 

How am I to trust when someone professes their affection and admiration for me that they will still be doing so months or years down the line when the honeymoon fades and the work of relationship begins?  Will they roll up their sleeves and fight with me to find middle ground and make a partnership work?  Could I someday trust them enough to have kids and raise a family with them?  Would I be making a mistake by opening my heart to yet another person?  These are the thoughts that now run through my head when I meet a new dating prospect.  Sexy, right?

I wonder if some of you reading this blog have experienced similar fears about making a mistake…on either the career or the romance front.   If so, what has been helpful for you?  How have you let yourself be paralyzed by fear or have you found a way to cope with these doubts?

One thing that I have found very helpful lately is the work of John Krumboltz and Al Levin on Career Happenstance – most notably featured in the book, Luck is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career.   This theory focuses on the idea that unplanned events, or chance occurrences lead to unexpected life directions and career choices and often have more influence on our lives than all of our careful planning efforts.  This theory suggests that there are no mistakes – just opportunities to learn from experiences and move in new directions – and says that it is never too late to change directions – and there is no need to stick with a plan that is no longer working with you. 

Krumboltz and Levin encourage readers to be aware of their surroundings for possible opportunities, take risks even when rejection is a possible outcome, and be adaptable and open-minded – basically go with the flow of what life throws at you.  They encourage people to try out possible career opportunities through job shadows, internships, night classes and other means before making a final decision and not to be afraid to turn back if those experiences turn out to be less enjoyable than anticipated.

While most of the examples in the book are career-oriented, I think the ideas of the theory have applications for love as well – after all, how many people talk about meeting their sweetheart while on a business trip or in a new workout class or on some chance occasion? 

In reassuring readers to take risks and try things even without knowing the outcome, Krumboltz shares this passage in the book that I find particularly encouraging:

“If you try something new, you may succeed or you may fail, you may like it or you may hate it, you may make new friends or even enemies, and you may produce consequences that you never expected – including some that you may never even know about.  Trying something new is a risk.  You don’t know in advance what the result will be…However, if you want to be absolutely sure about your results, there is one thing you can do – nothing!  When you do nothing, you can be sure that nothing will result.”

I love that idea – no matter what you do, there is a chance that you will fail – you could fail or you could succeed beyond your wildest dreams.  As Pema Chodron often reminds us, we have no idea what is going to happen in life – we don’t know what the results of our actions will be.  But…if you lock yourself in your apartment and do nothing… it is pretty certain that nothing is going to happen. 

This perspective gives me encouragement to get out there in the world…try new hobbies…take new classes…learn new skills…meet new people personally and professionally.  Visit new places – after all, I just visited Madison, Wisconsin this week and met some cool new people – who knows, maybe I will someday end up living in Madison – then again, maybe not?  It is good to have it as an option, though…and I believe I’m better off for having had a new adventure rather than sticking only to the familiar and comfortable.

Even if you do “make a mistake,” as long as you keep a learning perspective, it is not a lost opportunity.  While I do regret getting divorced in my 20’s and having had a recent relationship break-up, I can also attest that some of my greatest life lessons have come from those experiences, and I am a better, stronger person for having had them. 

So, if you are considering taking a risk and jumping in to a new adventure – in love, career, or any other area of your life – I say go for it – give life a chance to deliver you the opportunity of your dreams and continue your path of lifelong learning.  You never know what will happen but you do not if you give in to your doubts and hold yourself back, what will happen – nothing!

In closing, I am including one of my favorite quotes from growing up that relates to this idea and a link to the video for “I Hope You Dance” an old favorite of mine from Lee Ann Womack – Enjoy!

"Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth."- William Purkey

Read more: http://www.rateitall.com/i-47211-dance-like-no-one-is-watching-love-like-youll-never-be-hurtsing-like-no-one-is-listeningand-live-like-its-heaven-on-earth-william-purkey.aspx#ixzz1U0mGGNhE

I Hope You Dance lyrics
Songwriters: Sanders, Mark D.; Sillers, Tia;

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lee-ann-womack-lyrics/i-hope-you-dance-lyrics.html |]

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)