On Preparing for the Biggest Transition of My Life

Here is a post that I wrote a week and a half ago (4/22/15) – grateful I finally have the chance to publish it before the birth of our little one - which is still impending!

Me at 37 weeks!

So for those of you who may not know….the big news is I am pregnant – finally – 38 weeks pregnant to be exact!  I am very excited about this turn of events and have been luckily having an enjoyable and eventful pregnancy thus far.   Today marks the day that I enter into my birth month as sometime in the next four weeks I should have this baby if all goes well. 

As I prepare for labor and childbirth and the gigantic, never-ending task of parenthood that comes after, I find myself really thinking about how much my life is about to change.   I truly believe that this is the biggest transition and life change that anyone could ever go through, except (as my husband reminded me) for death.   Once I have this baby, it will never again be all about me.   I may never again feel comfortable turning off my cell phone and completely checking out from the world unless I have secured reliable care for my little one.   As my cousin-in-law Michelle put it in a recent message to me, “Soon things will never be the same…they will be more hectic, more trying, and BETTER even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment.”

Of course, as those of you who have been reading my blog for a while are aware, I have been wanting  to be a mom for a very long time, practically as long as I can remember.  As I’ve watched this baby grow inside me (he/she was just visible moving around in my tummy), I am in awe of what our bodies are capable of – at no time have I ever been so connected to my mammalian roots.  As much I am tempted to think my way through all of this, it is the animal part of me that knows how to birth this baby and the animal part of me that knows how to nurse and take care of it.   I am honored to carry this baby and to be so close a witness and participant to this miracle. 

I've got big shoes to fill!

Still, there is definitely a part of me hanging on to the familiar and comfortable, a part of me that is not quite ready to let go of the status quo, a part of me that is not ready to let go of life as I currently know it.   Right now, I live in a world where I get up leisurely, plan out my free time however I want it (for the most part), and generally put my needs first.  If I’m hungry, I grab something to eat.  If I’m tired, I get some sleep as soon as I can.   If I feel like coming home and reading a book or listening to music on a Friday night, I do it.  I am often able to do nourishing things like go to yoga or massage or acupuncture or dance classes, and as I near the end of those things, I ponder what other relaxing things I’d like to do with the rest of my day or evening.   Of course, I too have to pay bills and go to work and do chores like everyone else, but for the most part, I live a pampered, easy life. 

That pampered, easy life is going to vanish in an instant sometime in the next hours or days or weeks.   Soon, I’ll be lucky if I even get a spare moment to go the bathroom, eat a quick snack, or grab a thirty-minute nap.  I’ll go through a mysterious, challenging, transformative birth and then launch into weeks and weeks and years of care for this helpless little being who will need me every moment.  I’ll do the best I can and give as much as I can and then give even more beyond that.  I’ll encounter depths of tiredness that I never even thought possible.   I’ll deal with more pee and poop and spit up and fluids than I ever thought possible.   

This book I read a long time ago by Barbara C. Unell called The Eight Seasons of Parenthood names the newborn / baby phase the Sponge phase because you are wrung out and constantly dealing with fluids and mess while “surrendering your former identity to the essentials of caring for a baby.”  Coincidentally, she calls the pregnancy phase the celebrity phase as you "go through the self-absorption of impending parenthood."   Basically you go from being Cinderella at the ball to Cinderella the household maid – a giant change in status in a very short amount of time.

That brings up a whole other aspect as well.   Not only have I gotten accustomed to being a pampered adult focused on my own needs, I have also gotten used to being a pregnant woman at this point.   As a pregnant woman, you get to be the center of attention often, get to go to prenatal yoga and meetups and classes, and get to join this transitory clique of pregnant women.   With any luck, I’ll get to continue growing relationships with some of these women “on the other side” and get to know their babies as well, but we will see.   Pregnancy is a window into a whole other aspect of society that you don’t get to experience at any other time in your life.

At this point, I feel like I’m right at the transition.   A lot of the women that I’ve met along the way are now gone from the pregnant circles, and if I’m lucky, I’ve received an announcement or text from them sharing the great news of their baby’s arrival.  I’ve received several cute photos of women and their partners and the miraculous little ones that emerged from the bellies that I got to know these past few months.   Now a lot of the women at these pregnancy events are earlier on in their pregnancy journey and I’m one of the “senior” or “queen” mamas sharing advice and tips of the trade.   It truly seems surreal to me.  There is a part of me that can’t quite grasp how these women I got to know as pregnant now have these cute little ones that came out of them and are now knee deep in the unknown that is early parenthood.

Right now, I just can’t quite get it into my brain that this belly that I am carrying is going to go away and the squirmy little creature inside of me is going to come out of my baby and completely rock my world very soon – any hour, any day, any week, now.   I am basically on alert for the next few weeks.   When my time comes, I will go through whatever labor experience is in store for me and transform through whatever that entails.  The being that is Kimberly the married, young adult will disappear forever and become Kimberly the mom, a completely new incarnation of myself.   The next phase of my life will begin.   The world that I inhabit will shift.  Am I ready?  I hope so – I’m not sure you can ever truly be ready.  

Nervous and Excited!

While I am naturally apprehensive, I look forward to filling up the pages of this new chapter and seeing who me and my baby become – together we will embark in a new world and on a new adventure together.   I look forward to experiencing the rest that life has to offer and to loving this little one inside me on the outside with all of my heart.  

Stay tuned for more tales “from the other side” once the initial storm subsides.  You can also follow photos and updates re: our little one at littlecowan15.shutterfly.com.    Thanks for your support and well wishes!

Photos courtesy of my neighbor and friend Sherrie Ladegast!


I've had this song from my Biodanza class in my head lately - "Adiumus" by Karl Jenkins.   Apparently, it is also connected with the movie Avatar which I was fond of a few years ago.  For me, it brings up themes of bravery, courage, leaping forward, and solidarity with others.

What's The ONE Thing You Can Do Today to Achieve Success?

My writing was featured this past week on the NASPA (Student Affairs Administrators in Higher Education) website - check out my blog post on their site!

My post discusses highlights from the book The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results - an excellent book that has helped me to be more productive this summer!

On Reaching for My Ultimate Dream and Honoring Mothers

The other night in Biodanza class, our facilitator led us in a vivencia of breaking down walls (figuratively) to “Reach” by Gloria Estefan.  The song came out around the 1996 Olympics to honor the athletes who had spent their whole lives training for that very moment – to compete in the games and fulfill their dreams.   Among the many powerful lyrics, Gloria sings:

“Some dreams live on in time forever
Those dreams, you want with all

Your heart

And I'll do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine

If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment
In my life
I'm gonna be stronger
Know that I've tried my
Very best
I'd put my spirit to the test
If I could reach”

I too have a dream, and I was listening to the song and throwing myself into the dance I found myself really motivated by her words.   In my work as an Academic Success Coach, I deal in dreams every day – my life’s work is dedicated to helping students discover their dreams and achieve them.  My life is dedicated to helping students break down whatever walls or obstacles are in their way so that they can go out into the world and make it a better place.

In Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In, she aims to fire up a new generation of women leaders by asking, “What would you do if you were not afraid?”  I often ask my students this very same question.   Answering this question helped me years ago to transition from a cushy corporate job to serving students in higher education. But lately there is something bigger calling to me – my ultimate bucket list item.   My ultimate vision quest.   My ultimate feat of bravery.   Something that frightens me to the core but from which I cannot turn away.

The past few months, I’ve been reading a lot of books that deal with courage and vulnerability and determination.  I too feel like I am training for my own personal marathon – or for a long-distance hike like the one my new guru, Cheryl Strayed did and wrote about in her critically acclaimed memoir, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail.

In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown (p. 1) encourages us to stop standing in the sidelines and get in the ring.  She reminds us of Theodore Roosevelt’s words:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who face is marred by dust and sweat and blood: who strives valiantly…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

So…what is it that I want to do?   What is my ultimate dream?   To climb Mt. Everest?   To backpack through Africa?  To sacrifice everything for my art?   These are all noble dreams, but none is as important to me as this:

I want to become a mom.   I want to bring a new human being into the world and nurture it and care for it and support it through its journey into adulthood.   If I’m lucky, I’d like to bring two new human beings into the world and shape them and my husband into a family.   That may not sound like a big deal, but to me that is huge – that is one big, hairy audacious goal.

My Vision Board

My husband and I have been trying to have kids for a year and it has not happened yet.   Some days I think that it will never happen and some days I think our time is right around the corner.   Only God knows that answer to that. 

As more time passes, my desire and fear grow neck and neck.   The sleep deprivation factor scares me; the never-ending nature of parenthood scares me; the heart-wrenching emotional exhaustion scare me.   

Yet, I am fascinated by parenting and kids and human development.  When I’m around a baby or little kid, I can’t keep my eyes off of him or her.   I love to play with my friends and relative’s kids, and I try to help out moms and dads in whatever ways I can.  A new acquaintance asked me recently how many books I have read about babies and parenthood, and I told her about 50.   She seemed shocked, but I actually think that that was an understatement.  

The more I read, the more profound respect I have for all of the parents out there in the world.   I was fascinated reading The Mommy Brain:How Motherhood Makes Us Stronger as the author described how your brain and body shift when you become a caregiver to make you better prepared for the task.   Your senses become sharper; you become able to endure more; you need less sleep.   Like the Olympic athletes Gloria Estefan was singing about in “Reach,” moms (and dads) actually grow stronger. 

Motherhood is the ultimate invitation to confront our dark sides, to confront the ugliest parts of ourselves, the things that we would rather forget and push aside.  In Laura Gutman’s Maternity: Coming Face to Face with Your Own Shadow (p. 27), she writes:

   “With a mother’s soul exposed in the body of her baby, we are able to see more clearly the crises that have been kept inside, the feelings we have not dared to admit, the knots which continue to entangle our lives, the items which are still pending solution, what we reject, what we feel is untimely.”

While I love to be around kids, I am acutely aware that I have never babysat for a child overnight.   I know in my head that it is excruciatingly hard to raise a child.  I know that when I babysit for my little friend Dmitri that I get to unwind and read a book or watch TV after his mom picks him up while she probably has many more hours of work ahead of her.   I know that my husband and I have life pretty good right now.  I recall my friend Brooke writing on Facebook soon after she had her son:

“3 things I have learned about parenting: 1. It is the babysitting job that never ends!!! 2. You have to really love your career [because] that is the only long break you get during the day. 3. Getting a smile from your baby makes all the poopy diapers, spit up and crying all worth it!!”

So why do I want to do it all?  Why be a mom?  Why not continue my life of cocktail parties and reading books and sleeping in and doing whatever I want whenever I want to do it?   That would certainly be the easier way.   Maybe that’s what God is trying to guide me towards by not granting my wish to conceive.  Even so, I just can’t let go.  For me, motherhood is the ultimate adventure, the ultimate long-distance hike – it’s a journey that would take me to the absolute end of my ropes…but ultimately be the best thing that I ever did.  

Cheryl Strayed writes about the joys of motherhood in Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar (p. 122):

  “…you’ll have a baby.   An amazing little being who will blow your mind and expand your heart and make you think things you never thought and remember things you believed you forgot, and heal things you never imagined you would heal and forgive people you’ve begrudged for too long and understand things you didn’t understand before you fell madly in love with a tiny tyrant who doesn’t give a damn whether you need to pee.  You will sing again if you stopped singing.  You will dance again if you stopped dancing.  You will crawl around on the floor and play chase and tickle and peek-a-boo.”

The front book jacket for Cheryl’s book Wild says, “Wild vividly captures the terrors and pleasures of one young woman forging ahead against all odds on a journey that maddened, strengthened, and ultimately healed her.”  That’s how I envision raising a child would be.   That’s why I want to do it more than I have ever wanted to do anything else in my life. 

If I don’t have kids, I may interact with children and love them, but I will never ever be someone’s mother.  Only a mom (or sometimes dad) has the privilege and responsibility of being someone’s key source of love and security in the world.   Only a parent serves as someone's main anchor in the uncertain seas of life.  I love watching little kids go off to play and then run back to their parent for a mommy or daddy refill. I want to be that refill.

Without becoming a mom, I will stay stuck in my ways, stuck in my own small world, stuck in the world as a grown woman child.   To die that way in forty or fifty years would be the ultimate waste of my life (in my opinion), no matter how many countries I saw or books I wrote or classes I taught or fancy titles I got.  

Almost everything that I have been working on for the past five years has been in preparation to be the best

Me and My Cousin Emma!

possible mom that I can be.  I’ve read books, I’ve meditated, I’ve exercised, I’ve done my best to eat healthy, I’ve made friends, I’ve saved money.  I have tried to be the best woman that I can be – and I still fear that it is not enough, that I am not strong enough, that part of the reason I am not a mom is because there is something wrong with me – something about me that is not qualified enough for the big leagues.   Hopefully that is not the case.

Cheryl Strayed writes (in TinyBeautiful Things, p. 246-7),

                                                                                           

“The sketches of your real life and your sister life are right there before you and you get to decide what to do.  One is the life you’ll have; the other is the one you won’t.  Switch them around in your head and see how it feels.  Which affects you on a visceral level?  Which won’t let you go?  Which is ruled by fear?  Which is ruled by desire?  Which makes you want to close your eyes and jump and which makes you want to turn and run?"

As much as it scares me, the idea of having kids does not make me want to run.  It doesn’t even make me want to close my eyes and jump. At this stage in my journey with fertility, it isn’t a matter of closing my eyes and jumping, it is a matter of reaching.   Reaching with every fiber of my being, reaching in the way that Gloria Estefan expresses in her song.    As she says:

  

“…I'll do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine.”

Hopefully my dream will come true, and I will have the chance to rise to the challenge and step into the ring – to give motherhood the very best shot that I can.   I hope with all of my heart that that is the case. 

In the meantime, while I’m waiting for my chance to join you, I wish to honor all of the mothers in my life and in the world – my friends, coworkers, aunts, cousins, in-laws, my grandma, and no one more so than my own mom, who raised me with all of the love in her heart and every strength and bit of energy in her being.  

Mom - I Love You - Happy Mother's Day!

To mothers who are right in the thick of it and mothers whose children are grown, you all have my deepest respect and admiration.  To me, you are Olympic Athletes, Amazon Women, and Fearless Leaders in a world that desperately needs the courage and vulnerability and strength that you demonstrate every day.  You inspire me and you give me courage and hope for the future.  I hope to walk in your shoes someday, and I have very big shoes to fill.  

 Happy Mother’s Day!  

Here are the full lyrics to Reach - and the Youtube video:

Some Dreams Live On In Time Forever
Those Dreams You Want With All Your Heart
And I'll Do Whatever It Takes
Follow Through With The Promise I Made
Put It All On The Line
What I Hoped For At Last Would Be Mine

If I Could Reach Higher
Just For One Moment Touch The Sky
From That One Moment In My Life
I'm Gonna Be Stronger
Know That I've Tried My Very Best
I'd Put My Spirit To The Test
If I Could Reach

Some Days Are Meant To Be Remembered
Those Days We Rise Above The Stars
So I'll Go The Distance This Time
Seeing More The Higher I Climb
That The More I Believe
All The More That This Dream Will Be Mine 

If I Could Reach Higher
Just For One Moment Touch The Sky
From That One Moment In My Life
I'm Gonna Be Stronger
Know That I've Tried My Very Best
I'd Put My Spirit To The Test
If I Could Reach

If I Could Reach Higher
Just For One Moment Touch The Sky
I'm Goona Be Stronger
From That One Moment In My Life
I'm Gonna Be So Much Stronger Yes I Am
Know That I've Tried My Very Best
I'd Put My Spirit To The Test
If I Could Reach Higher
If I Could If I Could
If I Could Reach
Reach I'd Reach I'd Reach
I'd Reach' I'd Reach So Much Higher
Be Stronger