On Letting Go Vs. Staying the Course – How to Balance the Two?

Lately the theme of letting go and dealing with change and uncertainty has come up for me again.  This is not the first time that I have dealt with this theme in my life and in this blog, and I doubt that it will be the last.  According to Pema Chodron in her classic book, When Things Fall Apart, Impermanence (the Buddhist word for the endless stream of beginnings and endings in life) is one of the three key jewels of human experience. 

I must admit that there is something magical about life’s continual evolution; however, I don’t let go of things easily, I don’t initially adapt easily, and I hate saying goodbye or giving up on a dream.   When I decide to commit to something, whether it’s something big like having a baby or something small like a weekly Biodanza class, I commit fully and give 110%. Some would say that is a virtue.  

Yet, if we cling too tightly to the familiar, we don't leave room for growth and change.  Luckily, life doesn't always sit and wait for us to let go.  Sometimes it forces change upon us.  In those moments, when life (or God) forces us to let go of one dream and close one door, it allows room for another one to open.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is well known for her theory of the grieving process – which is most applicable for men, women, and children who have lost a loved one or are experiencing a terminal illness but is also applicable to other situations which call us to let go or accept unpleasant realities. 

The Kubler-Ross model states that there are 5 key stages of grief or loss which often come in order but don’t necessarily have to – it is also perfectly normal for a grieving person to alternate between the 5 stages:

Denial – pretending that the loss isn’t really happening; ignoring the change that is coming or has already come.

Anger – feeling frustration that the loss has come to them; having angry feelings directed at oneself, at others, at God, at the situation.

Bargaining – the hope that one can somehow fend off the loss or grief by negotiating, giving something up, making an extra effort, or making a deal with a higher power.

Depression – starting to accept that the loss is coming or has come but feeling great sadness and a heavy heart about it; feeling the urge to withdraw, give up, or not go on any longer.

Acceptance – feeling a sense of calm and peace; acknowledging that the loss has happened or is going to happen but life is going to be okay.

While I have been lucky enough to avoid experiencing a major loss of a loved one or major illness thus far, I have noticed myself go through these stages while experiencing the ups and downs of life.  I seem to have the most difficulty accepting my feelings of anger and sadness.  Instead, I spend a lot of energy in my life denying that change is coming and doing everything in my power (bargaining) to plan ahead and try to fend away disappointment. 

For a while, my extra effort and planning seems to work and I am lucky enough to maintain a pleasant existence and cruise through life.   Life stabilizes, and I become more confident that I can control my destiny.   But then, just when I least expect it, changes come up, and I am humbled.  Life is full of examples.  For instance, I can make every effort to plan lunch with someone weeks in advance, but if they are sick or have a change in schedule on the day of, the plans fall through. 

In Sleeping Beauty, every effort is made by Princess Aurora’s family and supporters to

help her avoid Maleficent’s proclamation that she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and fall into eternal sleep.  The kingdom's leaders had all spinning wheels destroyed; the family had Aurora raised as a peasant by three fairies in the wood; and Aurora was watched over closely for many years.  Still, it was not enough – as the princess snuck back into the kingdom on her sixteenth birthday, Maleficent created a spinning wheel and led Aurora to prick her finger on it just in the knick of time.

Life is like that sometime.  You do everything in your power to make something happen, and it doesn’t happen.  Or, you do everything in your power to prevent something from happening and it happens anyway. 

So what is one to do?  Give up or fight?

I’ve been reading several books lately about worlds very different from my own which provide perspective on this question. 

In Octavia Butler's book Kindred, the main protagonist, Dana, is called from modern day California back to antebellum Maryland and forced to work as a slave while she interacts with two of her great-great ancestors, one black and one white, who need to survive, connect, and procreate in order to produce her family line.   One of the key themes brought up in Kindred is whether the slaves in the book should refuse to accept their lot and run for freedom or accept their lot and do their work on the plantation.  At first, it seems that running away is the obvious choice, but after Dana sees runaway slaves brought back half-dead, beaten, and bitten (and after she runs away and is caught herself), she starts to understand  why accepting the status quo might be the safest choice for now – and why both choices require great courage and strength.

In Xinran's book China Witness, the author, a journalist, interviews numerous elderly men and

women throughout China who have experienced the dramatic changes in China from the

Japanese war through Liberation, the Cultural Revolution, and Reform Through Opening. 

Many of these interviewees were devoted to improving China or their lives, but experienced great personal hardship.  There is one story of a man in his seventies who is almost singlehandedly working to keep lantern making alive in his area of China.  There is another story of a shoe mender, whose dreams of attending university were dashed because her family was considered to have a “bad family background” due to a paperwork error that was not properly corrected.  That shoe mender went through the stages of grief and finally decided to make it her life’s work to put her children through university and graduate school by living a life without basic comforts and saving every dollar of her shoe mending proceeds for tuition money.  The courageous men and women featured in China Witness devoted their lives, relationships with their children, and every comfort in order to fight for what they believe in.

As I reflect on the many stories of great courage that I have read lately, I find myself wondering – how does one balance these two different energies – of fighting hard for what you want or a cause that you believe in and of letting go and accepting what life brings you?  Is persistence and determination a virtue?  Or, it is it just a sign that you are stubborn and unwilling to change? 

The world needs people who will commit to groups and causes and stick with them – otherwise there would be no consistency or stability in life.  I believe that loyalty and faithfulness are virtues.  Staying in one place can be a positive choice.  But, if you are standing still and everyone else is moving around you, eventually your space or your group is going to change anyway – there is nothing you can do to prevent that from happening.  When the winds of change start to blow, how quickly do you welcome them in?

Anyone who has been trying to conceive for more than a few months will soon be inundated by well-intentioned stories of people who finally had a baby once they stopped trying to do so.  There are many varieties on this theme.  Some planned a long vacation; some stopped fertility treatment; some took a break before moving on to the next phase of fertility treatment; some started adoption proceedings; some gave up the dream of having a child altogether.  Having been trying for more than a year now, I am well familiar with these stories and this encouragement to “Let Go.”

I believe that there is some truth to these stories and that the concept is a good one.  But, what does that look for me?  Our fertility doctors say that I do not ovulate on my own, so every cycle I need to manage several medications over the course of my cycle.   Also, science and my doctors say hat there is a peak fertility time during the month to get pregnant, so I dutifully take my temperature every morning and faithfully time intercourse during the right times.   So....given all of those constraints, what does letting go look like for me?

Deep in my heart, I feel that I am meant to be a mother.  When I think of forty or fifty

years ahead of me having never raised a child, I find myself unwilling to accept that possibility.  I know that my husband would be alright with that, but that is not a life that I want to live.  Our doctors say that there are many more things that we can try and that we are only in the early stages of our fertility journey.  There is also the road to adoption available as an option.  So giving up on trying to have a baby doesn't seem like the right approach to me - at the very least, it seems like a premature approach.

Lately, I’ve revisited the No Doubt song, “Simple Kind of Life,” partially written and sung by Gwen Stefani when she was about my age.   She says:

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

When I listen to the song, I hear the same longing in her voice that I feel in my heart.   In her words, I hear her doubts and her desires about embarking on the very difficult journey of parenthood.   Yet, I am encouraged because the song was written over ten years ago and Gwen now has a loving husband and three lovely children.  Unlike in my own life, I can fast forward into the future and know that ultimately her dream came through several years later.

If I could trust that God (or an angel out there) is looking out for me and that I will become a mom someday, would that allow me to let go and enjoy the last of these lovely unencumbered, newlywed days that I am experiencing now? 

I recently read a book about adoption titled, Carried in Our Hearts: The Gift of Adoption by Dr. Jane Aronson.  The book contains numerous stories about families and their paths to adoption – from the moments that they decided to do so to the moments that they welcomed their new children into their lives. 

A running theme in the book is the idea that for each parent, the child that ultimately came into their lives was meant to be theirs all along.  In fact, some would say that the child chose that family when it came into this world.  There is a quote from the book (p. 241) that says, “When the time is right and the children are ready, it will all fall into place and not before.” 

Another mom, Sarah Edwards-Schmidt, reflects (p. 65), “…we have little control in life, other than in the way we choose to go about tackling problems.  It is the grace and good humor we can bring to the process that saves us.”

I know deep down that I must make peace with uncertainty and learn to relax and let go.  While I know I am experiencing legitimate hormonal challenges, many of those challenges can be improved through stress reduction.  Also, whenever I do get pregnant, that is the just the beginning of a long path fraught with much uncertainty.  Risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defects, medical problems, accidents, financial problems – you name it, parents experience numerous ups and downs throughout the course of their pregnancies and children’s lives. 

If I want to be the kind of parent that I would like to be, I need to learn to relax and roll with my continually unfolding life. 

In The One Thing, by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan, the

authors encourage readers to continually ask themselves, “What is the One Thing I can do such that by doing it everything else will be easier or unnecessary?"  They assert that by steadily focusing on that one thing, you can set up a domino effect of actions that will eventually lead you to your dreams. 

So…what is the One Thing I can do right now to help me achieve my dreams of becoming a mom, raising a family, becoming the most self-actualized person I can be, and experiencing all the life has to offer?   What is the one part of the equation that I do have control over in this maze of uncertainty?

The way I see it, the one thing I can do right now is RELAX and learn to embrace uncertainty with faith and trust.   Not as easy task for me, but very worthwhile.  If I keep working on relaxing and am able to achieve success, the benefits could be lifelong.  So, consider that my new quest!  

In the meantime, here is a video of the Simple Kind of Life song in case you are interested – may you all have a relaxing rest of your day or night!

On Reaching for My Ultimate Dream and Honoring Mothers

The other night in Biodanza class, our facilitator led us in a vivencia of breaking down walls (figuratively) to “Reach” by Gloria Estefan.  The song came out around the 1996 Olympics to honor the athletes who had spent their whole lives training for that very moment – to compete in the games and fulfill their dreams.   Among the many powerful lyrics, Gloria sings:

“Some dreams live on in time forever
Those dreams, you want with all

Your heart

And I'll do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine

If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment
In my life
I'm gonna be stronger
Know that I've tried my
Very best
I'd put my spirit to the test
If I could reach”

I too have a dream, and I was listening to the song and throwing myself into the dance I found myself really motivated by her words.   In my work as an Academic Success Coach, I deal in dreams every day – my life’s work is dedicated to helping students discover their dreams and achieve them.  My life is dedicated to helping students break down whatever walls or obstacles are in their way so that they can go out into the world and make it a better place.

In Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In, she aims to fire up a new generation of women leaders by asking, “What would you do if you were not afraid?”  I often ask my students this very same question.   Answering this question helped me years ago to transition from a cushy corporate job to serving students in higher education. But lately there is something bigger calling to me – my ultimate bucket list item.   My ultimate vision quest.   My ultimate feat of bravery.   Something that frightens me to the core but from which I cannot turn away.

The past few months, I’ve been reading a lot of books that deal with courage and vulnerability and determination.  I too feel like I am training for my own personal marathon – or for a long-distance hike like the one my new guru, Cheryl Strayed did and wrote about in her critically acclaimed memoir, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail.

In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown (p. 1) encourages us to stop standing in the sidelines and get in the ring.  She reminds us of Theodore Roosevelt’s words:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who face is marred by dust and sweat and blood: who strives valiantly…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

So…what is it that I want to do?   What is my ultimate dream?   To climb Mt. Everest?   To backpack through Africa?  To sacrifice everything for my art?   These are all noble dreams, but none is as important to me as this:

I want to become a mom.   I want to bring a new human being into the world and nurture it and care for it and support it through its journey into adulthood.   If I’m lucky, I’d like to bring two new human beings into the world and shape them and my husband into a family.   That may not sound like a big deal, but to me that is huge – that is one big, hairy audacious goal.

My Vision Board

My husband and I have been trying to have kids for a year and it has not happened yet.   Some days I think that it will never happen and some days I think our time is right around the corner.   Only God knows that answer to that. 

As more time passes, my desire and fear grow neck and neck.   The sleep deprivation factor scares me; the never-ending nature of parenthood scares me; the heart-wrenching emotional exhaustion scare me.   

Yet, I am fascinated by parenting and kids and human development.  When I’m around a baby or little kid, I can’t keep my eyes off of him or her.   I love to play with my friends and relative’s kids, and I try to help out moms and dads in whatever ways I can.  A new acquaintance asked me recently how many books I have read about babies and parenthood, and I told her about 50.   She seemed shocked, but I actually think that that was an understatement.  

The more I read, the more profound respect I have for all of the parents out there in the world.   I was fascinated reading The Mommy Brain:How Motherhood Makes Us Stronger as the author described how your brain and body shift when you become a caregiver to make you better prepared for the task.   Your senses become sharper; you become able to endure more; you need less sleep.   Like the Olympic athletes Gloria Estefan was singing about in “Reach,” moms (and dads) actually grow stronger. 

Motherhood is the ultimate invitation to confront our dark sides, to confront the ugliest parts of ourselves, the things that we would rather forget and push aside.  In Laura Gutman’s Maternity: Coming Face to Face with Your Own Shadow (p. 27), she writes:

   “With a mother’s soul exposed in the body of her baby, we are able to see more clearly the crises that have been kept inside, the feelings we have not dared to admit, the knots which continue to entangle our lives, the items which are still pending solution, what we reject, what we feel is untimely.”

While I love to be around kids, I am acutely aware that I have never babysat for a child overnight.   I know in my head that it is excruciatingly hard to raise a child.  I know that when I babysit for my little friend Dmitri that I get to unwind and read a book or watch TV after his mom picks him up while she probably has many more hours of work ahead of her.   I know that my husband and I have life pretty good right now.  I recall my friend Brooke writing on Facebook soon after she had her son:

“3 things I have learned about parenting: 1. It is the babysitting job that never ends!!! 2. You have to really love your career [because] that is the only long break you get during the day. 3. Getting a smile from your baby makes all the poopy diapers, spit up and crying all worth it!!”

So why do I want to do it all?  Why be a mom?  Why not continue my life of cocktail parties and reading books and sleeping in and doing whatever I want whenever I want to do it?   That would certainly be the easier way.   Maybe that’s what God is trying to guide me towards by not granting my wish to conceive.  Even so, I just can’t let go.  For me, motherhood is the ultimate adventure, the ultimate long-distance hike – it’s a journey that would take me to the absolute end of my ropes…but ultimately be the best thing that I ever did.  

Cheryl Strayed writes about the joys of motherhood in Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar (p. 122):

  “…you’ll have a baby.   An amazing little being who will blow your mind and expand your heart and make you think things you never thought and remember things you believed you forgot, and heal things you never imagined you would heal and forgive people you’ve begrudged for too long and understand things you didn’t understand before you fell madly in love with a tiny tyrant who doesn’t give a damn whether you need to pee.  You will sing again if you stopped singing.  You will dance again if you stopped dancing.  You will crawl around on the floor and play chase and tickle and peek-a-boo.”

The front book jacket for Cheryl’s book Wild says, “Wild vividly captures the terrors and pleasures of one young woman forging ahead against all odds on a journey that maddened, strengthened, and ultimately healed her.”  That’s how I envision raising a child would be.   That’s why I want to do it more than I have ever wanted to do anything else in my life. 

If I don’t have kids, I may interact with children and love them, but I will never ever be someone’s mother.  Only a mom (or sometimes dad) has the privilege and responsibility of being someone’s key source of love and security in the world.   Only a parent serves as someone's main anchor in the uncertain seas of life.  I love watching little kids go off to play and then run back to their parent for a mommy or daddy refill. I want to be that refill.

Without becoming a mom, I will stay stuck in my ways, stuck in my own small world, stuck in the world as a grown woman child.   To die that way in forty or fifty years would be the ultimate waste of my life (in my opinion), no matter how many countries I saw or books I wrote or classes I taught or fancy titles I got.  

Almost everything that I have been working on for the past five years has been in preparation to be the best

Me and My Cousin Emma!

possible mom that I can be.  I’ve read books, I’ve meditated, I’ve exercised, I’ve done my best to eat healthy, I’ve made friends, I’ve saved money.  I have tried to be the best woman that I can be – and I still fear that it is not enough, that I am not strong enough, that part of the reason I am not a mom is because there is something wrong with me – something about me that is not qualified enough for the big leagues.   Hopefully that is not the case.

Cheryl Strayed writes (in TinyBeautiful Things, p. 246-7),

                                                                                           

“The sketches of your real life and your sister life are right there before you and you get to decide what to do.  One is the life you’ll have; the other is the one you won’t.  Switch them around in your head and see how it feels.  Which affects you on a visceral level?  Which won’t let you go?  Which is ruled by fear?  Which is ruled by desire?  Which makes you want to close your eyes and jump and which makes you want to turn and run?"

As much as it scares me, the idea of having kids does not make me want to run.  It doesn’t even make me want to close my eyes and jump. At this stage in my journey with fertility, it isn’t a matter of closing my eyes and jumping, it is a matter of reaching.   Reaching with every fiber of my being, reaching in the way that Gloria Estefan expresses in her song.    As she says:

  

“…I'll do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine.”

Hopefully my dream will come true, and I will have the chance to rise to the challenge and step into the ring – to give motherhood the very best shot that I can.   I hope with all of my heart that that is the case. 

In the meantime, while I’m waiting for my chance to join you, I wish to honor all of the mothers in my life and in the world – my friends, coworkers, aunts, cousins, in-laws, my grandma, and no one more so than my own mom, who raised me with all of the love in her heart and every strength and bit of energy in her being.  

Mom - I Love You - Happy Mother's Day!

To mothers who are right in the thick of it and mothers whose children are grown, you all have my deepest respect and admiration.  To me, you are Olympic Athletes, Amazon Women, and Fearless Leaders in a world that desperately needs the courage and vulnerability and strength that you demonstrate every day.  You inspire me and you give me courage and hope for the future.  I hope to walk in your shoes someday, and I have very big shoes to fill.  

 Happy Mother’s Day!  

Here are the full lyrics to Reach - and the Youtube video:

Some Dreams Live On In Time Forever
Those Dreams You Want With All Your Heart
And I'll Do Whatever It Takes
Follow Through With The Promise I Made
Put It All On The Line
What I Hoped For At Last Would Be Mine

If I Could Reach Higher
Just For One Moment Touch The Sky
From That One Moment In My Life
I'm Gonna Be Stronger
Know That I've Tried My Very Best
I'd Put My Spirit To The Test
If I Could Reach

Some Days Are Meant To Be Remembered
Those Days We Rise Above The Stars
So I'll Go The Distance This Time
Seeing More The Higher I Climb
That The More I Believe
All The More That This Dream Will Be Mine 

If I Could Reach Higher
Just For One Moment Touch The Sky
From That One Moment In My Life
I'm Gonna Be Stronger
Know That I've Tried My Very Best
I'd Put My Spirit To The Test
If I Could Reach

If I Could Reach Higher
Just For One Moment Touch The Sky
I'm Goona Be Stronger
From That One Moment In My Life
I'm Gonna Be So Much Stronger Yes I Am
Know That I've Tried My Very Best
I'd Put My Spirit To The Test
If I Could Reach Higher
If I Could If I Could
If I Could Reach
Reach I'd Reach I'd Reach
I'd Reach' I'd Reach So Much Higher
Be Stronger

On Embracing Life’s Unexpected Turns and “Mishaps”

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Like many of you out there reading this, I started 2012 with a few New Year’s Resolutions that I would like to achieve.  In addition to building on the life balance that I cultivated in 2011, I have set these specific intentions for myself:

1.     Exercise more regularly and vigorously – ideally in activities that bring me joy.

2.     Eat a healthier diet – i.e. fewer processed foods, more veggies, less sugar, less red meat/pork.

3.     Develop a more regular meditation practice – ideally meditating 5+ times / week.

Of course, none of these intentions are things that I wasn’t already striving towards in 2011 and none are them are completely out of whack with what I am already doing.   Plus, there are some other ancillary goals that I am continuing to work towards, too – like being an effective contributor at work, keeping my place organized, staying better on top of the laundry, etc. 

Still, I took an inventory of how I am “doing” against my ideal “balance-o-meter” and determined that if I can add these three key habits to the mix in 2012, I will have more health and wellness and my life will be in greater balance.

After the first two days of the New Year, I was off to a good start – and feeling excited.  I went to my weekly meditation group on Sunday night (Jan 1^st) and had a really good sit.  Then, on Monday (Jan 2^nd), I spent my last day of Winter Break cleaning my apartment, shopping for healthy foods, and attending a challenging Aharaj / Vinyasa Yoga class at my favorite studio.  I felt energized and confident that with two productive days under my belt and an organized and ready living space, I couldn’t help but achieve my New Year’s Resolutions.

Unfortunately, life had other plans for me, and on Day 3 of the New Year (Tuesday), I headed back to work and within hours came down with a full-blown cold virus.  Not an “ Oh, I’ll just suffer through this minor annoyance” sniffle-ly cold, but a full-on, get the tissues ready, nose-blowing, sneezing, achy, “Get me some NyQuil! “cold which took me right back home from work and into bed for most of the week.

For the first day or so, I was devastated by this turn of events.   I railed against the universe, threw myself a pity party, and bemoaned my fate.  What about that new Hip Hop class I was going to start?  What about getting a jump-start on projects that needed to get done at work?  How could I handle losing momentum on my New Year’s Resolutions?  What did I do wrong to deserve being sick so soon into 2012?

From there, I proceeded to get angry with myself about not handling this turn of events in a very “Zen-like” spirit.  I felt like a Bad Buddhist, a Resolution Failure, a Germ Bucket, and a Loser.  Basically, for the third and fourth day of the New Year, I was not a very pleasant person to be around (bless my boyfriend's heart for putting up with me) – and I was definitely not a glowing example of progress.  The perfectionist part of me was not a happy camper.

Now that my days of pouting have passed and I am slowly starting to rejoin the land of the living, I’ve been reflecting on this situation and recalling some of the teachings that this episode exemplifies.

First of all, I told this story to a Buddhist friend on the bus this week, and as soon as I finished relating what happened, he immediately noted what a wonderful example of the Four Noble Truths it was.  I hadn’t fully thought about it, but he is totally right – this story is an excellent example of the first two noble truths of Buddhism.  Sylvia Boorstein gives this insightful  description of the first two noble truths in her book, It’s Easier Than You Think: The Buddhist Way to Happiness (p. 19)

“The First Noble Truth declares unflinchingly, straight out, that pain is inherent in life itself just because everything is changing.  The Second Noble Truth explains that suffering is what happens when we struggle with whatever our life experience is rather than accepting and opening to our experience.  From this point of view, there’s a big difference between pain and suffering.  Pain is inevitable; lives come with pain.  Suffering is not inevitable.  If suffering is what happens when we struggle with our experience because of our inability to accept it, then suffering is an optional extra.”

Looking at my illness from this perspective, my being sick was not the cause of my suffering.  Being sick was unfortunate, yes.   But, what was really making me miserable was my initial refusal to accept that my New Year’s Resolutions and goals weren’t going off as planned and my frustration at myself for somehow doing something wrong and “getting myself sick.”  Beyond drinking fluids and resting, there wasn’t much I could do to make my body heal faster – but I had a powerful opportunity to stop my suffering about being sick.

This newest chapter in my life has also brought to mind some recent teachings from a David Richo book that I am currently reading called, The Five Things We Cannot Change…and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.

David Richo uses his years of experience as a psychotherapist and Buddhist practitioner to describe these truths in layman’s terms.  According to him, we can greatly increase our happiness, freedom, and fulfillment by embracing five “givens” of human existence:

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1.     Everything Changes and Ends

2.     Things Do Not Always Go According to Plan

3.     Life Is Not Always Fair

4.     Pain is a Part of Life

5.     People Are Not Always Loving and Loyal All the Time

During the early part of this week, the only one of his five givens that I wasn’t complaining about was #5 - luckily the people around me were great.  Otherwise, I was upset that my Winter Break and illness-free state were ending; I was upset that my New Year’s Resolutions weren’t off to the start that I planned, I was upset that I keep coming down with colds even though I work hard to have healthy living habits, and I was upset that I kept blowing my nose and sneezing my head off every two seconds.   

According to Dr. Richo, it’s not just that these five givens are unfortunate and we need to learn to “deal with them” in order to be happy.  He takes it a step further to explain why we should actually be glad that these five givens exist – because endings clear the way to new beginnings, and changes in plan can lead to serendipitous opportunities, and pain is a a powerful teacher which can lead us to empathy and compassion and wisdom if we let it.  

When we spend endless energy trying to control our experience (as I often to) by strictly abiding to resolutions, hanging on to jobs and relationships for dear life, and planning every moment of our life down to the smallest detail, we miss the opportunity say “Yes” to whatever opportunities comes our way. 

Doris Day

As Dr. Richo puts it (p. 13), “To focus on being in control hinders our chances of finding the new possibilities that arise when surprising directions appear on our path.”  He mentions several examples of famous people who stumbled upon their destiny after a wrong turn came their way – like Doris Day whose injury ended her dreams of being a dancer but cleared the path towards her becoming a famous singer/actress and Margaret Mitchell whose injury held back her journalism career but cleared the way for her to stay home and write the novel Gone with the Wind, her legacy to the world. 

Braised Spinach - Yum!

In my own case, staying home this week allowed me to enjoy several opportunities that might not have otherwise come my way.  For instance, by being at home, I was able to experiment with cooking several new healthy dishes and get my eating resolution off to a good start.  Also, by being able to work from home a few days instead of jumping right back into the office right away, I was able to better prioritize which task items needed attention right away and start this first week of the New Year in a more proactive rhythm rather than falling into my usual habit of clearing my Email Inbox first, meeting with students, or procrastinating when I really should be devoting time to getting projects done.   Finally, who knows what other opportunities I may have set into motion by getting sick and staying home this week – sometimes our karma and destinies aren't revealed until later down the line.

All in all, if you are also working on some New Year’s Resolutions or goals of your own, I encourage you to remember these noble truths and givens and try not to be so hard on yourself.   In the end, January 1^st is just a figment of our imagination and a date that we put on the calendar.  Each moment is an opportunity for a fresh start, and sometimes a “mistake” or “wrong turn” can actually lead to greater gifts. 

Beautiful Oops!

I gave my little niece/cousin a book for Christmas this year called, “Beautiful Oops” in an effort to encourage that very spirit and openness to life in her as she grows up in our high-pressure society.  Barney Salzburg's key message is, "When you think you have made a mistake, think of it as an opportunity to make something beautiful."  It’s full of fun little examples of art that can be created by a folded piece of paper or an Ink Stain or other “Oops” that both big kids and little kids make from time to time.  If you have any little kids in your life, I encourage you to check it out with them!

For now, I leave you with this quote from the Five Things book.  I’ll also leave you with several songs/videos that strangely (loosely) seem to convey this theme of accepting life and finding beauty in unexpected places.  Enjoy!

“May I trust the forces that help me know who I am and where I am going, and may all those who doubt themselves and disregard their destiny likewise be surrounded by inescapable evidence of their limitless identity and destiny (Richo, Five Things, p. 33).”



Beautiful Oops - a Video Read-a-long for the Barney Salzburg Book

"Try" by Nelly Furtado (note - this one is more subtly connected related)

"This Too Shall Pass" by Ok Go (Rube Goldberg Machine Version)

 

Staying Balanced Within the Eye of the Storm

It’s been a while since I have written on this blog…for those of you readers who may have been eagerly awaiting my next update – I apologize for the delay!  This summer I spent a lot more time by myself and the call to write felt especially strong.  Since that point, the academic year at school has started up, I have started a new relationship, and I’ve had many opportunities to join friends in growth enriching activities.  While I am still committed to this blog, finding the right rhythm to update it and maintain it moving forward will be my next challenge.

Neo from The Matrix

One big focus in my life lately has been finding a way to keep balanced in the midst of all of the stress and activity in daily life – to devote even attention to body, mind, heart, and spirit.  My goal is to cultivate an oasis of peace, love, and serenity in the eye of the storm around me – to respond in a Matrix-like fashion – sort of like when Neo fights the Bobs and he can see their movements so clearly and slowly and respond with grace and composure.  I don’t achieve that state with great frequency, but that is definitely my goal.

To me, focusing on my body means eating healthily, sleeping sufficiently, and finding time to move and exercise – I’ve started trying to do a little bit of Aharaj Yoga in the mornings in my apartment, I go to Dynamic Chakra Dance every time it is offered, and I try to work in walking and other forms of dance whenever I can.  One breakthrough that I’ve head in this area is feeling more empowered to take on movement – such as yoga or Pilates or swimming – on my own – to not feel quite so encumbered to go to a class in order to exercise.  While I still love going to classes whenever I can, it is great to know that I have that back-up form of activity – that a lot of the movements are right there when I need them.

Focusing on my mind signifies to me my professional development, learning opportunities, and my work pursuits.  I finished my Career Development Facilitator training in early September, attended the annual NACADA (National Academic Advising Association) conference in early October, and am involved in several working groups helping to create a new centralized advising center on campus – the Center for Academic and Student Achievement (CASA).   I also continue to go to lots of retreats and trainings in my personal life and read books at lunch – I’ve gotten into watching TED videos and continue try to see the world in new and different ways.   I’ve seen two independent movies that I really enjoyed this year – Happy and Connected – both gave me excellent perspective on life and our human experience – I recommend seeing them if they come your way.

Focusing on my heart to me signifies trying to approach my new 

Collage I Made at NACADA Conference!

relationship with love and compassion and care – to really create a healthy partnership and develop new patterns that come from a place of confidence and comfort with myself – that will sustain and grow connection over a long period of time.  It also signifies developing and sustaining friendships – truly authentic friendships where I feel comfortable being uniquely me.  This past year, I’ve had the opportunity to get to know some great new people – from the Biodanza community, from the Hanuman Center, and from SF Insight and other meditation groups.  I cherish their company and am enjoying the process of seeing those friendships grow.   I also continue to cherish the friends that I already have and enjoying getting together with those people as much as I can.  Finally, focusing on my heart to me signifies maintaining joyful connections with my family – even when many of them live halfway across the country – those connections are very dear to me and hope to maintain a healthy family life for years to come – someday adding a child (or children of my own) to the mix.

Awakening Joy Book

Focusing on my spirit to me means continuing to still my mind and feel the basic love and awareness deep inside – to strengthen my connection to source.  I try to go to SF Insight on Sunday nights whenever I can – and often alternate a seated meditation with my yoga in the mornings – I’m finding that it is hard to work both into a daily routine – so I figure if I’m at least doing a little bit of each within the week, that’s good.  Many of my movement activities such as Dynamic Chakra Trance dance and Biodanza also help tremendously to bring me into the present moment and help me feel part of the larger community of life.  I’ve really enjoyed the Awakening Joy class that I am finishing up this next month (it’s a 10-11 month course on 10 practices that bring joy and wellbeing into your life).  I’ve had the opportunity to go to several daylong retreats up at Spirit Rock – and I’ve also recently starting exploring with chanting and toning and other forms of Sound Healing – excellent forms for me.  I still haven’t done a lot in a church context, but I did attend a service at Glide Memorial Church this summer, and I’ve had some recent conversations with people about commonalities between Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, Science, and other Religious forms.

All in all, I feel that I am starting to achieve some balance with these four areas – but it is a constant challenge.  Some weeks I feel particularly charged on mind and body to the detriment of heart and spirit and vice versa – it seems impossible to hit perfectly on all four in any given week.  Which brings me to another element that I’ve been playing with – basically a foundation of loving-kindness and acceptance and sourcing from my inner awesomeness.  So many times, I catch myself being critical of myself and or telling myself that I “should be a certain way” – I can be very hard on myself, and I’m trying to move away from that as best I can – to accept where I am and what I am feeling in any given moment.  It’s not easy – I am very good at finding fault with myself.   But – that’s okay – the point isn’t to achieve each of these qualities that I am trying to cultivate instantly – I suspect trying to do so will be a lifelong journey.  It is also important that I accept each moment as it comes – each change and bump in the road.  This morning I felt rather sad about something – that’s ok.  Right this minute I feel some peace about it – that’s ok too.  Who knows what I’ll feel two hours from now – life is full of surprises.

At a workshop that I went to recently by David Richo at Spirit Rock on his book How to Be An Adult in Relationships, he asserted that all humans basically need and hunger for the following five A’s in both childhood and adulthood:

Attention

Acceptance

Appreciation

Affection

Allowing (i.e. being given the freedom to grow and be who you want to be)

Ideally, in an adult relationship, each partner will provide these A’s the other – all the while knowing that it is important to get them fully from any given source.   Adults will know that they can get these A’s from themselves, from their source, from their friends, from their job, etc. 

One of His Many Books!

I’ve been relatively lucky in my life to have had many of these A’s provided for me by my parents, but I still struggle a bit with Acceptance and Allowing – for whatever reason, I am endlessly seeking complete acceptance and freedom to be who I want to be – in my relationships and also in my work life.   Each of us has some blocks around these A’s – either we received too much of them as a child and we expect them from every around us or we didn’t get them as a child and we have a bottomless craving for them in adulthood.  In his talk and in his book, he gave some ideas for working with our problem needs – I’m only partly through the book, so I’m still a bit rusty on that part. 

I do find it an interesting way of looking at the world, though – many of the issues I encounter relate back to these A’s in some way.  It’s also a helpful barometer to use in measuring the health of any given relationship – if I’m giving and receiving a reasonable amount of these A’s, I think that’s a very good sign.  David Richo also suggested when we feel angry or triggered by something, to use the SEE method to gauge – i.e. is this related to my shadow self, my ego, or my early childhood?  If so, it might not have much to do at all with the person whom I think I am angry with?  He has a helpful free guide (which I haven't read all the way through available at the following link: http://davericho.com/free-book/)

In my case, I think I have a difficult time dealing with judgmental or critical people because I myself am so judgmental and critical of myself and maybe of others as well – because I can’t accept that part of me, I have a hard time accepting it in others.  Also – it goes back to my early childhood and relationship with acceptance.  Don’t get me wrong – I have definitely experienced significant acceptance in my life – I think a part of me deep down just wonders what would happen if I gained 40 pounds, quit my job and had to go on welfare, and never sent any cards or greetings to anyone.  Would I still be accepted then?  Would I even accept myself?

Anyway, as you all continue on in your lives this next month or so – I encourage you to use these frameworks in your life – i.e. to think how you are balancing your body, mind, heart, and spirit – what that means for you.  Also, what is your relationship with the five A’s?  Are there any A’s that you need to work on?  

Wave Photo by Chris Little

In my case – I plan to continue striving for balance – especially as we get into the holidays and the start of winter.   I’d like to bring in more movement-oriented dance-like activity (to complement that yoga I’m doing), handle a stressful stretch at work with grace and composure, to continue cultivating my relationships with friends, family, and my partner – particularly as I start to intermingle them more, and to find more consistent time for stillness in my life – by going more consistently to SF Insight and by someday going to a silent retreat – perhaps in the new year.   I’m also continually striving (and struggling) to maintain order in my life – to keep paperwork under control, maintain a clean and organized household, and keep track of my finances – I still haven’t figured out which part of body, mind, heart, and spirit those fit into – but they seem to be important as well!

Anyway, as I leave you for now – I’m including a recent song by ModeSelector that I really enjoy – it’s instrumental and a bit long (don't feel obligated to listen to the whole thing!) but to me the tone of the music speaks to the quality of clear seeing and calm that I would like to have in my life.  

 Modeselektor - My Anthem