On Embracing Uncertainty - and Resisting the Urge to Attach

As I’ve mentioned once or twice on this blog, I have decided to take a vow of celibacy – a vow of celibacy to last until I am comfortable and satisfied being by myself and no longer depend on partners or external attachments to make me happy.  Until I would like the enrichment of a partner in my life but do not feel a compelling need to have one in order to be “whole.” 

Unlike Jerry McGuire, I ideally would not like to tell my next partner, “You Complete Me.”  I want to get to a point where I feel in every fiber of my being that “I Complete Me” – and a partner would just be icing on the cake.  Once I know in my heart and my gut that I have reached that point - then I can open my heart to explore all of the wonders that the dating pool has to offer - then I can open up to the possibility of meeting my next life partner when the universe sees fit to bring us together.

When I first broke up with my ex-boyfriend a month ago, this seemed like a relatively easy vow to make – our lives were so wrapped up with each other during our relationship that the new space and freedom in my life seemed like a breathe of fresh air – I was eager to go out into the world and explore everything that it has to offer.  I believe this attitude of creatively and appreciate is one to try and maintain at all times as best you can – some like to call it a “Beginner’s Mind."

This week, some of the “work” of my celibacy vow has started to come in as the initial excitement has worn off, and I’ve begun to truly internalize the fact that I am alone for the time being in this journey of mine.  Sure, I have tons of friends and loved ones and people to interact with along this adventure, but in the end, I’m the only one on my particular itinerary – this is a solo trip - there is no one to depend upon but me (and God).

As the excitement has faded and the work of maintaining the commitment has set in, many questions have arisen in my mind.  What does a vow of celibacy really mean to me?  Should I go on dates with people?  Should I meet friends for tea?  Am I isolating myself too much?  Too little?  Am I still continuing to make the most of what life has to offer given that I could die any moment now?  Am I still giving and sharing enough love with the world?  How can I and should I meet my natural human desire for intimacy during this period of celibacy?  As you can see, lots of questions have arisen – and I don’t yet know all of the answers to those questions.  To some degree, I am going to have to play this one by ear – listening carefully to my gut along the way.

Other things have come up for me as well.  Desire and grasping have been a big theme in my world this past week – one of the five hindrances that we learn about in the dharma.  Rather than focusing on the present, I have found myself desiring for others’ company and frantically searching the Internet for training programs in every modality under the sun to join – basically just another way of searching for another person or another thing to define me and center my life around - old habits die hard.  As Howard Cohn likes to mention in his teachings at Mission Dharma, I have been falling into the delusion of thinking, If I have X…or if Y happens…or if I am with Z…THEN I’ll be happy, then Life Will Be Grand. 

Just like a impatient soul eagerly wanting to skip ahead to the end of a great book in order to see what happens…I find myself wanting to skip past this juicy and exciting period of exploration and attach myself to something once and for all – to become a life coach or a yoga teacher or a Biodanza instructor or a Reiki practitioner or a Hypnotherapist – or an ordained Buddhist minister – or better yet all of them – already – and be there tomorrow!  In my delusion and desire and discomfort with uncertainty, I am forgetting that this period of exploration - of trying things on for size - is the FUN PART!

I encourage you to all think of a time in your life when you have fallen into the same patterns of delusion – when you’ve been job searching and have been eager to just quit the process and FIND A JOB already.   When you’ve been going on dates and exploring the dating pool and have been eager to just FIND A MATE already.  When you’ve been visiting grad schools and applying to programs and have been eager to just FIND A PROGRAM already.  We’ve all been there, right?

The problem is – when we get to that point in our lives…that delicious and precious time when the world truly is our oyster and we can follow just about any fork in the road – we miss the very beauty of it by hurrying along to GET TO THE END ALREADY.  We rush the process in order to avoid the uncertainty – rather than embracing the possibilities that it brings.   Life is full of opportunity costs, and we can’t have everything – that’s a basic lesson that my Economics degree taught me.  Every hour that I spend going to Biodanza class or writing this blog is an hour I can’t also spend getting some sleep or reading a favorite book – life is all about choices.  

But – right before you make that choice – there’s that beautiful, pregnant pause…where it really does seem like you can have it all – where the possibilities are endless and you can’t possibly dream how it’s going to turn out.   Don’t miss it – it’ll be pass by in a flash before you know it. 

Poof – your kids will be all grown up already.  Poof - you’ll become a Certified Yoga Instructor – and think wistfully about the time when you were seriously considering becoming a Biodanza teacher instead.  Poof - you’ll settle into the work of writing term papers and going to class, but think back to how nice it was when the schools were working hard to recruit you rather than grade you on the quality of your output.   Poof – someday (hopefully) I’ll be married with two kids, a dog, a picket fence, and a successful career as a Life Coach (or ???) – and I’ll think back wistfully to this time in my life when I had endless time and energy to do whatever I wanted – whatever compels me at each given moment – without any obligations or responsibilities.  

This time – right now – is a precious gift for me (and for you).  If I can stay present with it and embrace the uncertainty and opportunities that my life holds – and if I can continually ask myself, “What do I want to do right now?” this can be a magical time for me.   If I can resist the usual urge that emerges right at this time in a breakup – once the dust settles – to throw myself headfirst into a new relationship or commitment in order  avoid my discomfort with being alone and get off this shaky ground, I have a feeling that I’ll find riches beyond belief in this "define as I go, celibate path of self and life exploration" that I am on.  May you find joy in whatever path of exploration you are on as well – moment by moment, step by step.

On Asking For What You Want

"A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success."
- Bo Bennett 

Earlier this evening, I had the opportunity to ask a spiritual leader whom I follow for  assistance with some retreats that I will be helping our Young Adult Dharma Council organize during the upcoming year.  We are hoping he can introduce us to some younger teachers in the area to speak at retreats and possibly  help us host a few retreats at his new spiritual center.  

This was the first time that I’ve really reached out to this teacher outside of the more formal “lecture” environment (i.e. raising my hand and asking a question during the discussion portion of the evening), so I didn’t (and still don’t) really know the protocol for approaching him individually.  Still, my motives are good and I could swear that I’ve seen other people approach him before, so I went up to speak with him during our break.  

He seemed receptive to the idea of helping us but quickly interrupted me as I was describing what we were trying to do and said that now was not a good time or setting to discuss our request.  I gracefully said not a problem, I understand – and we exchanged numbers with the understanding that I will follow up with him later this week to discuss things in more detail.  All in all, a perfectly good outcome – and very reasonable considering that he appeared to be preparing for his upcoming talk.  He was in no obligation to give me his phone number which is not listed on our sangha group’s website – so you’d think I’d feel pretty pleased with myself and proud of myself for having the guts to approach him with our request.

Instead, as he shared with me that “this was not a good time to talk,” I felt myself fighting back tears and getting emotional.  I’m pretty sure that I hid it outwardly, but I had to make my way to the restroom shortly after I spoke with him to compose myself before rejoining the larger group.  

As my initial desire to cry started to ebb, I observed a second inclination to shut down and run away from him – basically aversion to the sadness that I was feeling.  A wave of thoughts ran through my head - thoughts about what a mean teacher he is (which he’s not)…how I’d show him by switching to a different group (which would be stupid)…how that’s the last time I’d try to organize a sangha event (which would be a real loss)…you get the idea.  Basically, I wanted to do anything I could to show that I was boss of the situation, and I was going "show him" and avoid feeling that sort of discomfort in the future.  

So, not a very good dynamic, right?  Where’s the learning – why am I sharing this story on this blog?  

Well...this evening, as I wrestled with all of these emotions, it occurred to me in a brief moment of wisdom to examine these feelings and sensations in my body with curiosity and mindfulness.  That was the first gem from the experience - and how I was able to remember so many details about these emotions that I experienced this evening.  The mindfulness that I cultivated also helped me to avoid taking actions as a result of my feelings that I would have later regretted – like storming out of the sangha group or something silly like that.  

Also, by taking the time to notice with curiosity what was going on in my mind and body, I connected feeling these same sensations and having these same instinctual reactions at other times in my life when I’ve asked for something that I have wanted and either been refused or had an awkward response to my request.  

Alright, so that's interesting…why do I have such marked reactions to these situations? 

For one thing, these feelings arise when I have made myself vulnerable – i.e. when I have put myself out there – and feel any sense of rejection or dismissal from the person to whom I have opened myself up.  

Second, these types of interactions cue up my inner child – who is hyper vigilant about wanting to meet others' expectations.  She desperately wants to be a good little girl and not break the rules or wander into places where I am not supposed to go.  Deep inside of me, my inner child experiences distress when I am even gently chastised for coloring outside the lines or doing something societally unacceptable – for not acting in a way that I “should” have.  

Finally, these types of situations are particularly hard for me if I sense even a hint of pity from the other person – particularly if I’ve made a request of them that they cannot meet, and I project that they are trying to let me down easily or feel uncomfortable having to respond to my request.  The people pleaser in me feels guilty for bothering them and regrets introducing awkwardness into their life.

While I am not proud of having these reactions and creating all of these story lines in my head, I am glad that I took the time to notice them this evening because it made me realize another skill that I ought to strengthen.    

Currently, I have been focusing much attention in my personal growth process on becoming more comfortable speaking up about my truth and letting other people down more directly – basically doing exactly what my spiritual teacher did in this situation – i.e. he took care of his needs directly while still approaching me with a spirit of loving-kindness and giving what he felt that he could in the moment. 

That is definitely an important skill for me to develop, but equally important is learning to break through these barriers that I have created that are holding me back from asking for what I want.  Because if I don’t ask for what I want, I am not very likely to get it!

On the career front, I do a slightly better job asking for what I want; still, there are definitely times that I hold back from asking for a raise, avoid requesting permission to attend a conference – or ask for only half of what I want rather than starting with what I really want  - all because I am trying to avoid the awkward feelings that I felt tonight when someone tells me “No.”

On the personal front, this hesitancy has played a significant role in my relationships over the years - and is a key area of opportunity for me.  Looking back over previous occasions that I had to ask a guy to a formal dance in high school and college, I always went with the “safe” choice rather than actually asking the guys whom I actually had crushes on – i.e. I asked the guys whom I was sure would say “Yes” just to avoid the awkwardness of hearing the dreaded “No.”  I neglected to ask the guys with whom I felt a spark of natural chemistry - for all I know, they could have had a thing for me as well and have been equally shy about it! 

As an adult, I’ve yet to really allow myself the luxury of considering who I want to be with and then going after guys who fit that profile or guys for whom I feel a real attraction.  A common thread among guys whom I have dated for a long amount of time (with one exception) is that they are persistent – i.e. they pursued me, and I felt enough initial attraction back to go along for the ride.  My lack of assertiveness and lack of discernment combined has so far made me a pretty passive participant in the dating pool.   

The only time in my life that I can recall feeling an attraction to someone and going after him, I had a wonderful experience – full of ups and downs and nights wondering if he would call – but also a great deal of excitement and passion.  And that was the result of only one shot - those are pretty good odds!  Who hasn’t heard stories of famous inventors or actors who experienced years of rejections and refusals and failures before finally attaining a great deal of success in their field?  

Who knows what would be possible – in career and in love – if I just asked for what I wanted – and kept on asking for what I wanted until I got it?  If wasn’t afraid to put myself out there every now and then – even if sometimes the response is no?  

I have a hunch that a LOT would be possible – and I intend to find out – no matter what feelings I have to experience along the way!

On Loving Yourself and Embracing Your Personal Brand - Right Now

Several weeks ago, I gave a presentation to a local job search support group on “How to Discover and Market Your Personal Brand.”  If you are interested in viewing it, you can do so here: How to Discover and Market Your Personal Brand.

As I was putting together this presentation, I noticed myself feeling some anxiety about putting myself and my brand out there – I felt like somehow it was premature to discuss my brand while I still consider myself a work in progress.  Authenticity is important to me and important to branding – and I didn’t want to somehow misrepresent that I'm some expert who has it all together when I don’t - I'm just as imperfect as everyone else.  There was an inclination to assume that I should wait to present who I am and what my key strengths and contributions are until I have everything 100% figured out – until I have finally “made it.”

Similarly, on the dating front, many of you know that I am currently focusing on trying to stay single and celibate and get really comfortable with myself – before I re-open myself to love and enter the dating pool once again.  At times, I find myself making a list of all of the things I need to do before I will someday be prepared to meet my next life partner – e.g. I want to cultivate a regular meditation practice, figure out which hobbies are most important to me, develop a regular cleaning / housework routine, figure which qualities I am really looking for in a mate, and grow saavy and confident at knowing and speaking my truth so that I can address conflict in a timely manner.  That is a lot of accomplish before I am “ready” for love!

Have any of you ever made lists like these in your life?  For example, are any of you waiting until you do “X” (make partner, buy a house, finish your degree) before you have kids?  Are you any of you waiting to do “Y” until you propose or get married?  Are any of you waiting to get to “Z” before you have the courage to open your own business or branch off into your dream career? 

I bet you have…we all have ways of robbing ourselves of the present moment, of delaying gratitude, of withholding love from ourselves until we achieve our inner critic’s demands… but what if you have already arrived?  What if all we ever really have is right now?  If you knew that this was going to be the last week of your life - how much would you or I care about all of the things on our list?   Would we be ready to set aside our excuses and pursue our dreams later - or right now?  Would we be ready for love later – or right now? 

This afternoon, I attended a Young Adult Dharma Council Retreat with Howard Cohn on love and how we open and close ourselves to expressing and receiving it.  As part of the retreat, we worked with the idea of lovingkindness – giving love and kindness to others and ourselves.  For many of us, giving love to ourselves is the hardest part.

As part of my healing and growth process, I’ve been loosely following the 12 steps, and several of those steps deal with making amends to others you have harmed in your life with your dysfunctional behaviors.  Through recent reflection, I have determined that my conflict avoidance, disorganization, and discomfort with being alone have allowed me to bring harm to several individuals in my life – mainly ex-partners and old friends.   This past week, I wrote them emails to apologize for what I have done and say my peace.  While I wouldn’t say doing that was easy, it actually felt fairly natural for me to do so once I put my mind to it. 

The harder thing for me to do is make amends to myself – to forgive myself, quit being so hard on myself, quit holding myself to such a high standard – particularly when I am focusing on all of the negative patterns that I have brought to my life so far!  Bringing love and care to myself is less easy to do – my perfectionist and people pleasing tendencies run deep and get in the way of truly honoring and appreciating me – accepting and loving myself just for who I am – right now – no improvements necessary.

This afternoon at the retreat we learned a new lovingkindness technique that worked really well for me.  Howard (or Howie as they like to call him) told us that when we are having difficulty feeling lovingkindness towards ourselves in meditation to instead picture people in our live who love and support us unconditionally or times in our life when we have felt loved and supported unconditionally and bring those feelings and images to mind.  For example, picture those people giving you a big warm hug or caressing you or gently showering their love and attention upon you.   In my case, I pictured my mom and dad, my good friends here and across the country, and my Biodanza circle, and I immediately felt a dramatic positive change in my constitution.

We then had the opportunity to draw a picture to capture those feelings or one of those experiences that we brought to mind, and I drew the following picture of our Biodanza circle from class:

We then had the opportunity to share our picture and our feelings with a partner and later the class at large – and I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and true feeling of connection – to the people I had pictured in my reflection and my drawing as well as the people in the class with me and the world at large. 

Someone asked the teacher why it is so much harder for us to love and care for others rather than ourselves, and he said that he heard of a recent Harvard Researcher Amy Cuddy who has found that people evaluate other people based on how warm and kind they are while they evaluate themselves by how competent they are (the article/blog that I believe he was referencing is linked here: Matter Over Mind).  

If you changed the game and focused on how warm and kind you are rather than how competent you are, how would things change?  It might not change your entire life but it certainly might change your experience of the present – which is all we really have in the end.

On my journey of self-discovery, I am learning that the destination is less important the myriad of stops and experiences along the way.  If we rush hell-bent to get to the end of the journey, we’ll miss the magic and wonder – the turns and twists up and down and along the way.  What is that saying?  Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans?

I’ll close for now with one of my other favorite sets of voiceover quotes from Grey’s Anatomy episodes.  These ones are from Episode 5.23 – the season finale of Season Five when Meredith Grey's fellow intern George dies and the life of her fellow intern Izzie hangs in the balance – an episode that brought me to tears the first time I saw it – and one that brought home to me just how special everyone in my life – near and far – are to me – and how precious every moment is.  For those of you who know me personally – thank you for the moments we have shared together and the way that you have changed my life for the better by being in it.

Opening:

Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future. Planning it. Working toward it. But at some point, you start to realize, your life is happening now, not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it, it’s here. Blink, and you’ll miss it. 

Closing:

Did you say it? I love you? I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life… did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

I lied - one last thing - I’ve included the link to a song which I’ve been listening to lately which really brings these sentiments for me to mind  – “Everything, All at Once” by Correatown.  It’s less panic-inducing then the voiceovers; more peaceful – it sets my mind at ease while reminding me what's important.  You can listen to it via YouTube below: 

On Love, Breakups, and the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

The Serenity Prayer.  Widely adopted by all forms of twelve step programs for good reason – these are powerful words.

I emailed my ex today to share with him that in the end although I broke up with him initially to get out of the bad situation that our relationship had caused for me, I have come to realize that just don’t love him enough to be his life partner; that I was not fundamentally ready to make a choice about who to love him (or anyone) when I met him because I was not (and am not) yet fully comfortable with being by myself.  

I did this in part to apologize and make amends for causing him so much pain by not coming to this conclusion earlier and breaking up with him before our relationship went as far as it did.  I did this because I see him making efforts to change and seeming like he’s trying to win me back, and I wanted to clear my conscience – to clear up any misconception, let him know that I encourage his efforts to heal himself but that ultimately he should not be doing them with the expectation of us getting back together. 

I wanted (and still do want) to help him begin the process of moving on as soon as possible so that he can someday be with someone who will love him back fully in the way that he deserves.   And – if I were to admit it deep down – I did it to try and free both of us – to clear the air and say my peace so we could both go our separate ways without any entanglements still holding us together.

After sharing all of this with him, I reiterated that I do not think we should have contact with one another – that I won’t ask him to stop emailing me or coming to meditation if he finds those things helpful, but that I won’t respond to his messages out of the care and concern to try and give him (and us both) space to heal.

Of course, nothing is as easy as it seems.

In his response back to me, he challenged my message to him on several key grounds:

1.    I can’t “make up my mind” that he is not the right partner for me because we each only exist in the present and he is changing moment by moment – i.e. he is not the same person who I was in a relationship with and will continue to be different each time that we interact.

2.    He believes that my commitment to “unloving” him and avoiding him is just as reactionary as my original efforts to make myself love him were while we were together.

3.    He makes no promises to avoid me or not say hello to me at events where we both happen to be in attendance although he commits to not to be disrespectful or abusive.  He plans to continue using groups that I frequent and practices that I follow in his healing path. 
 

????

 

Now what?  Luckily I was already on the way to a meditation group when I read his email, and I had an opportunity to reflect on the whole mess during our sitting and even our dharma talk – which as it turned out was on the fact that we cannot control (many of) our experiences – only our attitude and reaction to them.   How appropriate – and wonderfully beneficial that I was able to be there for that talk.  

I can’t overemphasize the value of turning yourself over to helpful practices when you are in distress – get yourself to the gym or sit down to meditate or listen to music – whatever it is that works for you.  Whatever hint of wisdom is in your body – follow it and get yourself there.

-----

Anyway, when you break up with someone, you receive lots of advice from friends, therapists, family, loved ones – to maintain your resolve, give you and your partner space to heal, stay out of contact, be consistent in your messaging, etc..  

Obviously if you are in a physically abusive situation and you are being stalked or assaulted, you need to do everything that you can to get out of that situation – get a restraining order, pack up and move to Nova Scotia, join the Witness Protection Program, etc.  

But what do you do if things aren’t quite that simple?  What do you do if it’s just awkward and harder to heal around your ex – not downright abusive or confrontational?  What do you do if you are each trying to heal yourselves and keep bumping into one another on that path?

Sigh.

I have to admit – in many ways, my ex is right. 

None of us can predict the future – and we only live in the present – so I really can’t say with absolute certainty what role he and I will play in each other’s lives going forward – I can only observe what exists moment to moment. 

I believe in my heart that we are not meant to be romantic partners, but I need to let go of the need to control my experience and trust God’s will – or in dharma talk – trust what will unfold in each moment.  I know that right now I don’t love him as I believe one should love someone they are going to spend the rest of their life with.   For now, I am doing my best to be vocal and upfront about what is in my heart.

But, I also believe that I need to do more personal growth work before I will be ready to make a conscious choice about a life partner.  So - I would be negating the power of the teachings that I am choosing to follow if I didn’t admit that I have no idea what will be in my heart and my gut when that time comes.  Given that, anything is possible – who knows? - maybe I will end up partnered up with Arnold Schwarzenegger in a year now that he seems to be available.

Finally – I don’t really have grounds for a restraining order, so barring moving to Nova Scotia or going out of my way to avoid my ex – taking me away from activities that I love – I can’t really stop him from coming to Meditation or Biodanza or coming up and saying hello to me when our paths cross.  Nor would I really want to stop him from continuing to grow and discover activities that I believe are very worthwhile.

Sigh…

Which returns me to the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

So, I’ve pretty much summed up what I can’t control in this situation – so given the above prayer, what can I control?

1.    I can control whether or not I initiate contact with him or personally invite him to any activities.

2.    I can control whether or not I respond to any contact and whether I accept or gracefully decline any invitations or requests that he makes.  I can also take as much time as I would like to respond back with an answer – I do not have to immediately respond to a request if I am not ready to do so.

3.    I can control (or at least do my best to control) my reaction towards him when we happen to come into contact with one another – to try and avoid letting hindrances cloud my thoughts.  I can maintain the spirit of loving-kindness that I have towards him and focus on being mindful and open to whatever comes up for me moment by moment when he is there – to notice what I am experiencing in my body and mind.

4.    I can continue to support his efforts to heal and bring more peace into his life – I can accept and see the changes that he is making and continue to cheer him on in his efforts from wherever I am – I can see him as he truly is in each moment.

5.    I can continue to strengthen my solar plexus chakra and clear seeing chakra (third eye) so as to know my truth and speak my truth when we are together – that will help to neutralize any attempts to control or manipulate me.

6.    I can involve my intuition and my gut in all decisions from here on.  I can ensure that I not enter a relationship with anyone (him included) unless both of those two things are fully on board.   When I truly listen to my intuition and my gut, they never lead me astray.

7.    I can continue to develop my independence and grow more comfortable each day with being alone so that I will never again make a decision about a relationship based on dependency or a desire to be rescued.

8.    I can continue to prioritize having healing, wholesome positive events and people in my life – whether or not he happens to also be there when I am at those events and around those people.

9.    I can consistently prioritize getting a sufficient amount of sleep, eating healthily, and exercising regularly so that I will be at my very best in every interaction in my life.

10. Finally – as was mentioned in the dharma talk tonight – I can control my attitude towards whatever life throws at me – I can make a conscious effort to be fully present in each moment and not get off track with thoughts about the past or the future – after all, all we have is the present.   I can see every person as a teacher and every experience as a clue and do my best to learn from each moment as they come.

In the end, ultimately, we cannot fully control the environment in which we do our healing any more than we can control anything else in our life.  

A speaker at our SF Insight Sangha a few weeks told a story of a Buddhist who went on retreat in Asia thinking that he was going to this peaceful site up in the mountains to get away from the Western world where it was going to be beautiful and serene and he was going to sit in silence and meditate.  Much to his chagrin, the whole retreat center was under construction – so every day there were hammers clanging and bulldozers going and lots of real love chaos to contend with.   So much for meditating in peace and quiet, right?

When life happens and things don’t go the way that you planned or want to arrange them to be, what do you do? 

Sigh.

All we can do is fall back on these very powerful words…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

On Doubt, Anxiety, and Life's Great Adventure

This evening at our weekly SF Insight Meditation and Dharma Talk, I met some really nice new people and accessed some powerful insights related to doubt, anxiety, and life's great adventure, which I would like to share on this blog.   

Several weeks ago, while in the midst of moving out of the apartment that I shared with my boyfriend, I attended our weekly sangha meeting and listened to a talk that Eugene Cash gave on Doubt.   In that talk, Eugene mentioned that as with the other hindrances (Desire, Aversion, Restlessness, and Sloth/Torpor), if you pay mindful attention to them as they emerge in your mind and body and simply accept that they are there with you, something happens – they lose their hold on you and become less powerful.  

Since that talk, I have had many opportunities over the past few weeks to have doubts about these new steps that I am taking in my life – I’ve wondered if I could really pack up all of my stuff and move it across town; I’ve wondered if I can really end a relationship that has been a big part of my life for the past 2 years; I’ve wondered it was appropriate to sign a one-year lease and stay here in San Francisco for another 12 months; I've wondered if I could leave behind our cat;  I’ve wondered if I could really handle living alone – you name it, I’ve encountered doubt about it in the past few weeks. 

These experiences have provided me with a golden opportunity to really study and explore doubt as it manifests in my life – and what I’ve discovered is just what Eugene shared.  As I’ve been able to observe and label moments when I've been doubting or worrying by just saying, “Oh, right, there’s doubt,” the charge in the doubt itself has released, and I’ve been able to sit with the feeling much more easily and let it pass on its own time.  Try it yourself – see if it works for you as well.  Identifying and labeling a feeling or hindrance can been a very useful tool.

I also discovered something else very meaningful for me just as we sat for tonight’s talk.   I started to reflect on the more wholesome and solitary lifestyle that I’ve adopted in recent weeks and started to wonder if I would really be able to sustain it in the same fashion for weeks…months…years…at a time.  In other words, will I eventually get to a point where I feel lonely for human connection, for friends, for partners and not be able to find them?  Will I eventually tire of meditation and yoga and reflection and yearn for more fun activities and parties in my life (again, assuming that for some reason I wouldn't be able to find them at that point)?  Have I bitten off more than I can chew with these new steps in my life?

I started to observe my mind running off like a runaway train on this trail of worry and doubt…and all of a sudden,  I heard a voice saying…whoa…wait a minute…don’t get ahead of yourself – just focus on the present.  It was probably Eugene’s voice…or the voice of one of the guest teachers that we’ve had recently or my Awakening Joy teacher, James Baraz.  Either way, I suddenly remembered to focus only on the present – i.e. how am I doing right now?  What am I experiencing right now – and can I handle it in this moment?   This is a very powerful technique – and stopped this runaway train of thoughts right in its tracks.   After all, none of us knows what is going to happen in the future – all we have to handle in any given moment is right now – because that is all we have.  Moment by moment, as I observe my experience and ask myself if I can handle it, I am discovering the self-affirming truth that, “Yes, I can!” 

This just reminded me of the movie What About Bob from a few years back where Bill Murray was a patient of a psychiatrist with significant anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness about everything in daily life – and his psychiatrist kept telling him, “Baby steps, just take baby steps,” and this worked really well for him – i.e. baby steps out to the lobby, baby steps to the elevator, baby steps out the door…you get the picture.  It sounds simple and funny – but it actually works.  

The next time you feel overwhelmed and frightened and think that you can’t possibly handle what life is handing you…e.g. you’re going through a relationship breakup, you just lost your job, you just lost a loved one…and the grief and worry seems too much to bear – try this technique – and just focus on the present, just focus on what you can handle “right now” – and then handle the next moment when it arises…and so on.   Just sit with the feelings as they arise in the moment and don’t worry what you are going to do an hour from now, or two days from now, or a month from now…just focus on what you are thinking and feeling right now and get through this moment.

Not only is this focus on the present a useful technique for dealing with difficulties, it also illuminates the fact that life truly is a big adventure – i.e. we never know what possibilities the future holds.  The moment or opportunity that you have been waiting for your whole life could literally be right around the bend – and the tragedy that you thought might be your life’s ruin may in retrospect turn out to be your greatest gift.  

There’s a great chapter on this in Pema Chodron’s book When Life Falls Apart – I actually think that is the title of the chapter itself.  She tells about a Chinese family who were devastated when their only son fell off a horse and was severely injured – until a few weeks later the village went to war and all of the young and healthy men were sent to go fight.  Their son's injury turned out to be their greatest gift because it allowed him to stay home and care for them.  The point is - we just don’t know what’s going to happen – and if you can develop a curiosity about each moment as it unfolds, life can be such a rich, fun experience - full of wonder and surprises, good and bad. 

The last thing which really spoke to me tonight and also in a few other experiences this past weekend is the idea that life is not a race to the finish or an exercise regimen to be mastered.  Rather the opportunity is simply to go deeper and experience more of the fullness of each given moment.   In Ajaraj Yoga class, the objective of more advanced practice is not to perfect the sequence of asanas but rather to go deeper into the felt experience of them – to really sink into the physical, emotional, and spiritual energy that emerges as you do them.  In Buddhism, the point is not the be the “Good Buddhist,” the teacher’s pet, or the perfect meditator – rather it is to approach every moment with mindfulness, experiment with the teachings in your life, and see what is true in your direct experience.  

I even went to a talk today on female sexuality today in which the speaker shared that her definition of female orgasm has nothing explicitly to do with climax – rather it is for women to lose themselves in sensation and experience every feeling that emerges in a moment of connection with another - sounds familiar, right?   Biodanza hits on this as well with the idea of vivencia – or the vividly felt experience – the point of Biodanza is not to do the moves right or be the perfect partner – rather, it is to experience life fully – to let our words fall away (for most of the class) and be present for the adventure that unfolds in class each week – moment by moment.  There is some definite synergy between these different activities – and I am excited to see what possibilities emerge as I continue to center my life on them!

To close for this evening, I want to share a quote / voiceover from Grey’s Anatomy (Episode 5.21, courtesy of the Know Thyself blog) spoken by Izzie after her unexpected marriage to Alex Karev when she is supposedly dying of cancer, which really speaks to me about the serendipitous nature of life:

Opening:

(Izzie) You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they’re never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days. The ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest. And today was the wedding. It was beautiful. Perfect.

Closing:

(Izzie) You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until its happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life. Not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone… The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time… because you want to live forever. Those are the biggest days.  The perfect days. 

_____

As I am discovering more and more these days, life is an adventure – full of ups and downs and unexpected turns – Enjoy It!

The Physics of the Quest - on Life's Lessons and Opportunities

Ten years ago today, my ex-husband and I went on a day hike together and transitioned from being friends to having a romantic connection.  We later counted that day as our dating anniversary and went through numerous trials and tribulations together during our years of dating, marriage, separation, and eventually divorce.  

Ten years later, I had a pivotal lunch today with a colleague who will be heading up our new Advising Center on campus and feel a sense of wonder and excitement about the direction that my life is now taking as a divorced, single woman – our upcoming transition into this new center may turn out to be exactly the opportunity and turning point for which I have been yearning.  Ten years ago, today signified an important beginning in my life, and I have a feeling that later on I will look back and reflect that today signified an important beginning in my life as well - the start of a wonderful new working relationship.

This past week, I have been reflecting on the many different perspectives through which we as individuals can view our lives.  A seemingly small event or introduction can someday turn out to have a much larger significance.  And, even an entire relationship can later be seen as part of a much larger arc.

This past weekend, as I re-read Finding the Right One After Divorce: Avoiding the 13 Common Mistakes People Make in Remarriage (by Edward Tauber and Jim Smoke), I saw clearly for the first time how my lack of healing from my divorce and my overall developmental needs contributed to my getting into and staying in a difficult relationship with my ex-boyfriend.  Because I am still mastering the art of being alone, I have been going through life continually looking for someone to rescue and take care of me – my mother, my ex-husband, my transitional partner, and now my ex-boyfriend.  I have not had the necessary foundation to form a healthy, non-codependent relationship.  I have also not fully developed my discernment and confidence to vocalize my needs – to fully assert my solar plexus and third eye chakras – thus, as I mentioned in previous entries, I have been staying in situations that are not right for too long in order to avoid rejecting others or hurting people’s feelings.

None of this makes me a bad person – and I am not the only person in the world who has developmental tasks or challenges that they need to address along their life journey towards self-actualization.  My observation is that some people encounter obstacles early in life and use it as an opportunity to grow – if they are lucky like me, someone or something in their life stands in their way and they are able to extract lessons from it.  Other people manage to go through their early life on autopilot and encounter their difficulties in mid-life – when something finally triggers them to start examining their life, their relationships, and their behaviors.  

Almost everyone whom I’ve met in Biodanza or meditation seems to have been drawn to that path by encountering one of the basic realities of life – suffering, impermanence, or disappointment – through the death of a parent or child, divorce, coming to grips with aging, health problems, etc.   We can choose to be angry and hateful about these turn of events, but I like to think of these realities as blessings and opportunities – to see the truth, clarify who we are, and grow.   When I look at my life as a larger journey, I do not regret a single experience – because they have all helped to shape the person who I am today and the person whom I am slowly but surely becoming.

These ideas have clear applications for career development work as well.  When I graduated from college, I accepted a job offer at Procter & Gamble and went to work for them in their market research department.  As a high achieving student with multiple majors, minors and certificates, a top notch GPA, and a successful internship under my belt, I figured that I could do no wrong – and I had very little idea of what my true preferences and talents were.  I had taken numerous career assessments and flat-lined most of them – for example, my Myers Briggs test results put me right in the middle on every attribute except the E-I dimension – I knew I was extraverted, but that was about it.  I had earned a Bachelor’s degree in both Psychology and Economics and had earned 5’s on the AP Calculus, Microeconomics, and History exams in high school – i.e. I was able to succeed at just about any topic in school if I applied my full effort and mental acumen towards it.

It wasn’t until I got into my full-time role at P&G with a highly detail-oriented, STJ (Sensing, Thinking, Judging) manager and started to fail miserably at my job that my true preferences emerged.  I recall sitting in a meeting with our senior manager and having her tell me, “Kimberly, I see the issue here – you strongly prefer F (Feeling) and P (Perceiving) and everyone else here strongly prefers T (Thinking) and J (Judging)."  To my strongly STJ colleagues, my speaking and writing patterns seemed highly disorganized, scattered, and off-topic and my desire to make a difference and serve others rather than make money and increase profits did not make sense to them.  That manager saw my inner strengths and potential and ultimately helped me to transition from that job at Procter & Gamble into an unprecedented opportunity to be an outplacement client through Right Management Associates (for which I will forever be grateful).  

Still, the important lesson that I learned there – and emphasize with students and clients – is that it was through failure and making mistakes that I was finally able to see clearly who I am – an educator and motivator who prefers ENFP (Extroverted, Intuition, Feeling, and Perceiving).  Sometimes we have to fall down in order to pick ourselves up and get ourselves on the path that we were supposed to be on in the first place – towards our true calling(s), towards our life partner(s), towards the experiences that are waiting for us to discover.

Over Christmas break this past year, I watched the movie version of the book Eat, Pray, Love with my parents and was really inspired by the quote / voiceover that Julie Roberts shares at the end of the movie.  As I continue on my current path through life, I feel this quote really fits with what I’ve discovering about life – and what I’ve attempted to capture in this post.  If you haven’t seen the movie yet, I encourage you to take time to do so!

"...I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call  'The Physics of The Quest'" - a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. 

And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and 

if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and 

if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and 

if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself...

...then the truth will not be withheld from you.  Or so I've come to believe."