On Early Role Models, Favorites, and Career Story

 This weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a fascinating session at a career conference on Mark Savickas’s Career Story Interview.   

According to Savickas, the role models that people admired growing up reveal key elements of their character and ways in reach they responded to challenges growing up; their favorite books, TV shows, and magazines reveal the stage or environment in which they want to act out their careers; the script of their current favorite book or movie reveals the key chapter of their life story that they are currently acting out; and their favorite saying or motto reveals the best advice they have for themselves – the direction for their life. 

For more details on Mark Savickas’s Career Story Interview and other key career development theories that he supports, here is the link to his most recent book on Amazon, Career Counseling (Theories of Psychotherapy).

In order to illustrate and learn this technique, I’m going to do my best to answer four or his Career Story Interview questions on this blog.  Please feel free to comment on what you think my answers might mean – or feel free to answer the questions for yourself – I encourage you to share your story!

1.    Who do you admire when you were growing up?  Tell me about her or him.  (3 key role models)

The first heroine that came to mind for me was She-Ra, Princess of Power – who had her own spinoff of the popular He-Man series.  

She-Ra, Princess of Power!

She-Ra  was born as He-man’s twin sister but was kidnapped as a child and raised in the homeworld of Etheria by that world’s evil ruler, Hordak.  He-man rescues her and eventually helps her remember her birthright as Princess Adora, and she works with a group of freedom fighters called the Great Rebellion to try and free her homework.   She-Ra, like He-Man, has a double identity, morphing from the more youthful and innocent Adora to the powerful and wise She-Ra by invoking the saying,”For the honor of Grayscull, I am She-Ra!”  

For some more background on She-Ra, see this article about the 25th anniversary release of the show on DVD.  Also, note this picture of She-Ra is courtesy of Kyra Smith / Ferretbrain.com.

What does this mean for me?   As an only child, I grew up in a more sheltered existence and didn’t have much opportunity to serve as a mentor or leader until later in life when I realized that I really enjoy guiding others.   Just as Adora had an alter ego full of wisdom and self-assured power, I am continuing to learn as I get older that I do as well.  By being such an early fan of She-Ra, I believe I was expressing an inner desire to cultivate my inner strength and insight and use it to help others and “save the day!”

Francis "Baby" Houseman

The second heroine that came to mind for me was Francis “Baby” Houseman from the classic 80’s film, Dirty Dancing.  I first saw that movie when I was about 5-6 years old, and my mom tells me I used to run around the house dressed just like her (as best I could) shouting, “I’m Baby, I’m Baby!” 

In the movie, Francis is 18 years old and has the “Time of her Life” at Kellerman’s resort in the upskill Catskill Mountains.  She comes from a fairly upper class family and a sheltered existence and has an idealistic heart and aspirations to join the Peace Corps and help others.  She finds herself drawn to the various staff members running the camp rather than her fellow camp patrons and saves the day by filling in to learn a dance with Johnny, the dancing instructor, when his partner Penny gets “knocked up” and has to have an abortion on the night of their performance.  (Picture courtesy of Flixster)

In summoning up her inner strength and creativity to learn the challenging dance and in getting to know Johnny and the other staff members, Francis taps into confidence, integrity, and courage that she had not previously accessed – and risks her relationship with her family in order to help her newfound circle of friends. 

What does this mean for me? 

In addition to highlighting my longstanding love of dance, I think the deeper message from this role model is similar to that from She-Ra – despite growing up in a more sheltered existence and being protected from more counter-culture influences, there is a key part of me that wants to help the underdog, sees all people as being equal, and wants to tap into my inner strength and wisdom to help those in need. 

I think this role model also points to my desire to help others not through cleaning their wounds directly or fixing their car but rather from using my performing ability to their advantage or using my network and access to resources to assist them (as Baby does at one point in the movie where she goes and gets her Dad the doctor to assist a staff member having medical difficulties).

Nancy Drew

Finally, the third role model who comes to mind from my youth is Nancy Drew, the female amateur detective.  She is wealthy, smart, attractive, and confident – and uses her prowess to solve mysteries and help people.  (Picture courtesy of University of Maryland Library).

What does this mean for me?

Once again, we have another role model who is both strong and feminine – so I’m seeing that there is a big theme there for me – wanting to use my intelligence, be assertive, and make a difference without having to take on a masculine demeanor or appearance.   I also think this love of Nancy Drew highlights my passion for synthesizing knowledge, using my intuition, asking questions / being inquisitive and seeing patterns – these are all skills that Nancy Drew uses to solve her cases and are skills that I enjoy using whenever I can.

As an academic advisor and coach, I really enjoy “peeling the onion” with clients to uncover the inner strengths and interests that are hiding just beneath the surface – when I’ve “solved the mystery” and figured out where their unique talents and contributions lie, I feel very excited.  The challenge for me is to channel that intuition into being a good listener and helping them through creative methods to discover those talents and contributions for themselves rather than giving my report and trying to push my conclusions onto them.   Seeing this role model leads me to wonder what other ways I could incorporate “solving the mystery” into my career path!

2.    Do you read any magazines or watch any television shows regularly?  What do you like about these magazines or television shows?

Great Magazine!

First of all, as I think about the books and magazines and internet sites that I read most regularly, they often relate to Self-Help, Psychology, Career Development, Personal Development, and Spirituality / the Meaning of Life - e.g. Psychology Today) I am almost always reading Non-Fiction books directed towards a popular audience – or Personal Memoirs.   One of these days I am going to add in a reading list from Amazon and start sharing some of the many great books that I have encountered and am continuing to encounter.  (Picture courtesy of Gifts.com)

The fact that I like these types of magazines, books, and internet sites confirms for me that I am acting in exactly the right stage as an Academic Advisor, Career Development Facilitator, and Student Advocate.  It does, however, continue to lead me to think that I should give more serious thought into becoming a Life Coach and/or incorporating my spiritual beliefs more consciously into my professional practice.

My Favorite Show!

The more revealing thing for me is thinking about why Grey’s Anatomy is hands down my favorite show – what is that?  What does that mean?

For one thing, my love of Grey’s Anatomy likely signals my desire to be part of a helping profession – to assist people on a daily basis as the doctors in the show do when they diagnose, treat, and heal their patients.  (Picture courtesy of this website).

I also really enjoy Grey’s Anatomy because the voiceovers and actors in the show convey a lot of wisdom – they live life to the fullest and are pursuing their dream careers.  I admire their hard work directed towards fulfilling their life goals – goals that are directed more at saving lives than making tons of money.

Grey's Anatomy also appeals to my love of learning - I've always enjoyed reading or watching shows about training programs - I enjoyed Ender's Game, a science fiction novel for that reason, I enjoyed reading a book about a girl named Cherry (Cherry Ames Student Nurse) as a little girl who was part of a Nursing residency program...throughout my life I been drawn towards accounts of people learning new skills and putting them to use - for that reason, working in higher education or some sort of training and development enterprise is and would be a good fit for me.

Finally - and most interesting to me – I also enjoy Grey’s Anatomy because I have a curiosity about medicine, health, and wellness.  Most people who’ve spent any significant amount of time around me will tell you that I am a hypochondriac.  When I have the slightest degree of illness, I am immediately Googling it, checking the symptoms on WebMD, and developing a treatment plan for myself – of both traditional and alternative means.  When I see my doctor, I am a highly informed patient - and I ask questions to better understand my condition.  In recent months, I've been intrigued by new modalities like acupuncture and Reiki and hypnotherapy and yoga that treat illnesses and injuries – particularly psychosomatic ones.   Whenever a co-worker or friend is sick, I love being able to help direct them to the right medical provider and suggest potential treatments to investigate.

What does that mean for me?   Who knows? – I’ve never considered working in a hospital or medical environment, but maybe I should add it to the list as a back-up option.  Perhaps I would be a good person to do career development or organizational development for a medical residency program?  Maybe I should become certified in an alternative mind-body therapy and work that into my practice?  Hard to say for sure – but some food for thought!

3.    What is your favorite book or movie?  Tell me the story.

Great Movie!

My current favorite scripted book or movie right now is Eat, Pray, Love – the movie version with Julia Roberts.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I just love her idea of the quest – of acknowledging uncomfortable truths about yourself and seeing each person as a teacher and each experience of your life journey as a clue.  (Picture courtesy of this website).

I believe that my love of this movie right now is encouraging me to continue on my own personal quest – to continue being mindful of each moment, keep growing and learning, bring more meditation into my life, and explore what it means to experience real joy.  

4.    Tell me your favorite saying or motto.

My most consistent saying is the quote that goes out beneath my signature line on every email that I send out at work:

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" – Confucius

I believe this quote gives me direction or advice to continue staying true to my heart and searching for work that energizes my soul and brings joy and wellbeing into my life.  Luckily, there are many elements of my current job that I do really enjoy – which is one of the key reasons that I have stayed there for almost four years now. 

This quote challenges me to continue paying attention to how much or little I enjoy my  job and not be afraid to move on and try something new if things change and I no longer look forward to coming to work each day.  This quote challenges me to avoid becoming someone who dreads coming in on Monday morning and makes excuses about why I “have” to do my job.  It lets me off the hook from the idea that I need to stay in any position mainly due to a sense of obligation – because in the end, life is too short. 

There will always be aspects of a job that feels like “work” – this quote is a bit idealistic in saying that you will never have to work a day in your life.  Still, there is a noticeable difference in your professional living when you are doing something you love and value versus doing something just for a paycheck.  This quote encourages me to remember how important it is to enjoy what you do for a living – and encourage clients to find the careers that engage their passions, interests, and values – bringing them much-deserved joy and fulfillment!

On Dealing with Setbacks and Frustration – The Path of the Warrior

This has been a tough week for me so far – and today has been a challenging day.  In just about every conceivable way, I have felt myself slipping back into old negative patterns and behaviors and losing ground in goals that I have set for myself.  

I haven’t been getting enough sleep – which has made me overtired, cranky, and more anxious than usual.  I haven’t written as much on this blog as I would like.  I haven’t meditated as much and managed to miss both my Mission Dharma meditation group and the Hip Hop class that I was aiming to try out this past Tuesday.  I’ve been stressed out and distracted at work – an inconvenient mind state to deal with when you are in the midst of a very busy time and have lots of tasks which need to get done right.   Today was one of those days where I was frantically running around like a crazy person trying to get ready for a big day of advising calls tomorrow and a flight out of town tomorrow night – and I am not fully done yet.

So, why am I taking the time to write about this in the midst of all this craziness?  Why am I writing about this when I’ve admittedly felt tons of anger and discouragement and aversion and doubt today?  Why am I sharing some of the very reasons why I am not an ideal model of enlightened behavior?

I’m writing about this right now because this is where the work comes in – this is the front line where the battle to awaken joy and foster peace in the world is fought.   If I am really sharing my journey of self-discovery with you, it is important that you not just see me when the view is breathtaking and I’ve reached the top of the next peak – it is important that you see the full range of the journey.   I make no promises to be perfect, but I promise you I will make every effort in this blog to be authentic – to be real.   Journeys and diets and any kind of “infomercial” type experience that you might see on TV – they all have ups and downs along the way. 

That previously 400-pound woman who is now 150 pounds and wearing a bikini on late night TV?  I guarantee you – somewhere along the way of her new workout regime and carefully crafted meal plan, there was at least one moment (and likely several) where she skipped exercise class and was sitting in Krispy Crème staring down at a half eaten box of donuts about to call it quits. 

It’s one thing to commit to a goal or try to live more healthfully or develop Zen habits when the sun is shining and you are observing forward progress in yourself.  It’s one thing to model positive behavior when people cheering you on surround you in spades. 

The real test comes when things don’t come so easily – when you’re overtired or you get a flat tire or you hit a stressful time at work or someone picks a bad moment to point out your flaws – or you observe yourself slipping back into dangerous ground. 

What do you do then?  Do you chuck it all to hell and give up the fight?  Do you blame the world or your partner or your boss or the guy who crashed into your car for making you give up your dreams?  Do you get angry and take out your bad feelings on someone else around you – ideally someone over whom you have power?

In her book When Things Fall Apart (Chapter 2 – When Things Fall Apart), Pema Chodron shares a story about taking on a new position as head teacher at an abbey and having to confront nasty truths about herself.   She says, “What happened to me when I got to the abbey was that everything fell apart.  All the ways I shield myself, all the ways I delude myself, all the ways I maintain my well-polished self image - all of it fell apart.” 

She says that around that time when she was really struggling with all of the negative feedback she was receiving about herself, her teacher visited and said, “When you have made good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly, too.”

Pema acknowledges that these moments…that I feel like I have been experiencing this week…these moments are “a kind of testing that spiritual warriors need in order to awaken their hearts.”  We can “shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.” 

I was so tempted today to be angry at my co-workers today, get mad at the person at Office Depot who kept me on hold for 12 minutes, and blame the day and the conditions around me for my unhappiness today.  Hell – I did feel those feelings – I did feel anger and resentment and aversion today.   I still feel some of those feelings now.

But – there were little snippets where I awakened – even just for a moment – and saw what I was doing.  There were moments when I took a deep breath and counted to 10 and was gracious and open-minded.  There were moments when I focused on things for which I am grateful today – for instance, I had a wonderful phone conversation with an old friend today, my Office Depot order came out perfectly, and I had a tasty dinner.  There was a moment this evening when I was walking from work to Office Depot to run an errand and I realized suddenly that it was a beautiful night – that the sky was still blue and it was still light out and there was a pleasant breeze – and I was happy.   There were little moments in there were I was happy in the midst of all the aggravation and frustration and “bad luck.”

Have you ever gotten into a “bad streak” and started to predict that the rest of your day was going to be awful?  I definitely have…I’ll notice it’s raining and miss the bus and walk in late to work and the next thing I know I’m predicting that the whole day is going to suck and the world has it in for me.  But – there’s no guarantee that that is the case – the next moment could be great. 

And – if you notice that you are getting angry or resentful or acting in a way that contradicts your values, don’t beat yourself up over it – rejoice in the fact that you noticed.  The very fact that you’ve noticed you are off track is a sign that you are awake.  Just like you send the distracting thought on its merry way and focus your attention back on the breath during meditation, in moments of struggle, you can send that negative behavior on its way and approach the next moment with compassion and understanding and vulnerability – with mindfulness of the present moment and the feelings that you are experiencing.  You can reconnect with your inner Buddha nature at any moment – it’s never too late.

Every moment is a new opportunity – a second chance to be peaceful and share your light with the world.  So we fell off the wagon and failed a little – so what?  What matters is what we are going to do in the next moment – are we going to give up horseback riding altogether or are we going to get back on the horse and keep going?

As Pema says (at the end of the earlier chapter 2):

“To stay with that shakiness-to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge – that is the path of true awakening.  Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic-that is the spiritual path.  Getting in the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior.   We catch ourselves one zillion times at once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, bitterness, righteous indignation-harden in any way, even into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration.

Every day we could think about the aggression in the world, in New York, Los Angeles, Halifax, Taiwan, Beirut, Kuwait, Somalia, Iraq, everywhere.  All over the world, everybody always strikes out at the enemy, and the pain escalates forever.  Every day we could reflect on this and ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to add to the aggression in the world?’  Every day, at the moment when things get edgy, we can just ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to practice peace, or am I going to war?’”

That passage brings me a great deal of comfort and encouragement when I am struggling against the negative emotions in my head like I have been today – I hope it will bring you support as well.   I’m also including the link to a song that I discovered recently from an old Grey’s Anatomy episode – “Turn and Turn Again” by All Thieves – I listed to it several times today – and it has brought me much peace.  For those of you who don’t have access to audio right now, I’m including the lyrics below as well.  Enjoy!

“Turn and Turn Again” – All Thieves

Worn from walking this far
So worn from talking this much
And what we found and what we've seen
As the road curves down

And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening
We enter this town
Like new born creatures

Those I know I see anew
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human too

So turn and turn again
We are calling in all the ships
Every traveler, please come home
And tell us all that you have seen
Break every lock to every door
Return every gun to every drawer
So we can turn
And turn again

Only priests and clowns can save us now
Only a sign from God or a hurricane
Can bring about
The change we all want

And we've done it again
This trick we have
Of turning love to pain
And peace to war

We're just ash in a jar

So turn and turn again
We are calling in all the ships
Every traveler, please come home
And tell us all that you have seen
Break every lock to every door
Return every gun to every drawer
So we can turn and turn again (x2)

On Appreciating the Fragile Nature of Life

 

It is a glorious sunny day, and I am sitting on my favorite (okay only) chaise lounge by the window watching the sun is streaming in through the blinds and feeling a delicate breeze sweep across my arms as I type.  It is one of those beautiful days that makes grateful and happy to be alive.  Given all of that, I am going to write to you today about death.  Why?  Because once again, death is on my mind – and I figured it would be good to share some of my thoughts about it with you.

You see -- unlike some of my peers who blissfully go through life assuming that they are invincible and never let such a somber topic cross their mind, I think about death on average about once every day, sometimes more.  I’m not entirely sure why.

My Totaled Toyota Corolla

It could be because I’ve had one close colleague die suddenly of a brain aneurism and one close colleague die of a heart attack within the past three years.  It could be because I’ve had several near death experiences in the past 10 years – I’ve gotten hit by a car crossing the street, ran my car spinning in circles off the road, ended up in the ER due to an electrolyte imbalance, and most recently fell down a flight of stairs a few month’s ago.  It could be because I live in Earthquake country and the next big one could happen any second.  It could be because I love Grey’s Anatomy (which takes place in a hospital with people dying) or because I live in a culture that predicts the end of the work in 2012 and constantly emphasizes plane crashes and gas explosions and natural disasters on the news.  

I suspect it is due some combination of all the factors that I’ve mentioned…and probably other subtler factors of which I’m not even fully conscious.   Either way, it doesn’t really matter – the fact is, lately I think about death at least once very day – sometimes on the bus, sometimes walking home, often late at night on this very chaise lounge.  

Usually I am alone – and I wonder if I’m going to make it until my next interaction with someone- or if this is it – right here.   I suppose in a way it’s a symptom of spending more time alone lately.   Usually we spend our whole frantically running from activity to activity trying to avoid the natural fragility of life – and I’ve made a point to stop doing that.  I’ve made a point to start focusing as much attention as possible on the present moment because it is all we really have.

To be clear, when I think about death each day, I am not thinking about wanting to die – I am not contemplating suicide or ways to kill myself.  No, quite the opposite – I want to live.  I want to live very much.  I want to continue this great adventure for as long as I can.  I want to die at the ripe age of 97 or 102 – with grandkids and great-grandkids running around at my funeral.  I want to find and marry a life partner and ride the waves of a long-term committed relationship that lasts beyond the 7-year itch.  I want to wax poetic with new generations of students about the wee old days when there was no Internet and people looked up dry cleaners in the phone book and movie listings in the newspaper.   I want to learn new things, write a book, get pregnant, go on a silent retreat, take a cruise somewhere beautiful, and experience everything that this life has to offer. 

Yet – I’d be naïve to assume that I’m going to live forever.  I’d be deluding myself to keep missing the present in my quest to get to the future – as we all frequently do day after day.  Even if I were lucky enough to live another 60 years, I’d be kidding myself to assume that hundreds of loved ones aren’t going to die and leave me by the time I get there.  In time, every single person in my life – including me – is going to die.  We are human – it’s what we do.  We are born, we live, and we die.  

Beginnings and endings are the very fabric of life.  Every day, we’re surrounded of examples of them– my Biodanza teacher just got engaged (new beginning); an acquaintance of mine just had a new baby (new beginning); the Bombay Creamery ice cream store in town just closed (ending –and I never even got to try it); an acquaintance of mine just had a baby (new beginning); a colleague of mine is leaving USF (ending).

From what I’ve heard in dharma talks, Buddhists say that it’s not necessarily bad for us to form connections to things and have relationships – to enjoy living, to enjoy a favorite possession, etc.  It’s not bad that I want to live and have goals for things that I’d like to achieve in my life.   One famous Buddhist teacher has a favorite mug that he likes to drink tea out of – and someone asked him one time if liking that mug wasn’t really a form of attachment.  The teacher answered him that he loves that mug – but yet it doesn’t make him suffer because every time he looks at it, he pictures it falling to the ground and shattering to pieces – in other words, he knows it is precious because it is not going to be there forever – he loves and appreciates it – but he is not resisting the natural law of impermanence – he is not resisting the fact that someday it will not be with him.

I wouldn’t say I enjoy thinking about death on a daily basis – it is not an experience that I would call pleasant.  Still, it is an experience that wakes me up and encourages me to appreciate every moment; to appreciate every person – and to remember the utter preciousness of life.  It also seems to prepare me for some of the losses that I know I will experience – so that hopefully when they happen I can take them in with as much ease as possible, feeling grateful for the times that I have had with those people and those practices near and dear to my heart.

While there is so much more than I want to achieve and experience in my life, I am extremely grateful for everything that I have been able to see and do and learn so far.   Looking back over the years, it feels like I have lived several lifetimes over already – each phase of my life has brought out a different element of my essence, a different part of my personality.   I have so much wonder and amazement thinking about the places I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, and the ideas and practices that have been shared with me.  I feel lucky to live in one of the most picturesque cities on earth.  I don’t know where or how much longer the ride will take me – but I know one thing – it’s been an amazing ride so far.  :)

To close for tonight, I’m including below a link to a song which always makes me think of death when I listen to it – “Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking” by Snow Patrol – it’s a bit haunting but very moving.  I’m also including a voiceover from the Season Six finale of Grey’s Anatomy that speaks to some of these ideas – it was from an episode where the husband of a deceased patient came into the hospital and started shooting doctors and bystanders at random to avenge the death of his wife (and you wonder why I think of death all the time…) 

Sheryl Barker

Finally, to balance out the “death” song, I’m also including a link to “Wish You Well” – a song by Kate Herzig that makes me think of my two dear colleagues who passed away in recent years – Sheryl Barker and Eugene Muscat.  Sheryl and Eugene – wherever your spirits live on, I wish you well – you both touched my life in so many positive ways.  

Enjoy – and thank you for reading!

6.24 Death And All Of His Friends

Eugene Muscat

Derek: The human life is made up of choices.  Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  And then there are the choices that matter.  Love or hate.  To be a hero or to be a coward.  To fight or to give in.  To live.  Or die.  Live or die.  That's the important choice. And it's not always in our hands.

Derek: Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  Live or die.  Hero or coward.  Fight or give in.  I'll say it again to make sure you hear me.  The human life is made up of choices.  Live or die.  That's the important choice.  And it's not always in our hands.

Snow Patrol - "Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking"

 

Kate Herzig - Wish You Well

On Connecting With Love In Unexpected Places

Six years ago today, on a sunny and glorious Saturday, I married my ex-husband Chris in a ceremony surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones.  There was not a single cloud in the sky, and the ceremony took place in an outdoor tent overlooking a clear blue lake – I felt loved, connected, supported and full of love and gratitude for everyone around me.  It appeared to be a perfect start to a lifelong journey together for my ex-husband and me.

Six years later, on an equally sunny and glorious Saturday, I spent today in the company of mostly strangers on a daylong retreat given by Spring Washam up at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Marin County, California entitled, “Free Your Heart: A Transformational Workshop for Exploring Love and Connection.”

When I first signed up for this retreat, I didn’t give much conscious thought to the fact that it was going to be held on the date of my old wedding anniversary.  I signed up for the retreat because I had heard Spring give a dharma talk in the past and really enjoyed it – and because as many of you know, I have really been working with the themes of love and connection in my life lately.  

Still, when I got up this morning to head out the retreat, I found myself wistfully pondering how much has changed in the past six years.  Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I’d be living alone in San Francisco, California in a studio apartment.  Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I’d be divorced and getting out of yet another relationship.  Six years ago, I would have never guessed that I would find the idea of getting up at 6:30 am and going to spend Saturday at a meditation retreat an appealing idea.  Yet, here I am – this is my life now – a lot can change in six years time – and this morning I was feeling both a sense of wonder and bitter sweetness about it.

Luckily, this workshop was the perfect place for me to be this morning – because the many interactive activities that we shared as a group together reminded me of the many connections that we as humans can have.   So many times, when we are asked to think of love or connection, our minds immediately go towards thinking of romantic partnership – i.e. whether we are single or in a committed relationship, getting into a relationship or  getting out of one, married, divorced, separated, etc.   Many of the people in the workshop expressed some variation of their romantic partnership status when asked why they chose to come to the workshop today. 

But, there are so many other connections available - and so many sources of love available to each one of us.  Connection to friends; connection to family; connection to co-workers; connection to pets; connection to community...

Most important of all, we can love and connect to ourselves – by being present with whatever sensations, thoughts, and feelings we are experiencing – and by honoring and accepting whatever comes for us in each moment.   We can treat ourselves with loving-kindness and compassion - the lovingkindness and compassion that is each of our birthright.

I've often heard that in order to truly love another, you must first love yourself - increasingly I am coming to see the truth in that statement.  Our teacher's insight this morning was that if you don't first love yourself, your love for the other person will always have an element of grasping to it - a desire for your affection to be returned, a desire for the other person to fulfill your need for love - a need that can feel like a bottomless well if you don't first fill up that well with love for yourself.  I have found her insight to be very true in my experience - and I am really working on practicing loving-kindness towards myself for that very reason.

Next, if we happen to be apart from our friends and family and loved ones, we can love and connect with those people who are around us – even if they are strangers to us.   We did an activity today where we broke into smaller groups, and each person in the group took turns sharing for four minutes…”If you really knew me, you’d know…” over and over again – saying whatever come forward in their mind each time.  After we got past the initial surface thoughts, deeper thoughts were revealed – and a strong sense of connection was forged once we each got below the surface and shared our vulnerability with each other.  I was comforted to discover that while I’d initially assumed that each of my counterparts had it all “together,” we each had our own combination of strengths and flaws – none of us were perfect, but we were all beautiful inside. 

You are unlikely to have the opportunity to do that activity with the woman you are sharing the bus stop with or the man you are standing next to in the grocery store – but the activity really got me thinking about the tenderness and goodness that lies within every one of us.  We also did a rather intense activity later in the day where we stared into the eyes of another person for 5-10 minutes and were asked to think various things about them in sequence such as the goodness and strength that lies inside them or the pain and suffering that they have been through.   As we did, I was amazed at how much my interaction with the person whom I was with was affected by the stories that I was creating in my mind about him. 

What if instead I was thinking about how evil his intentions were or how hard he was trying to make my life difficult? – as we often do about people who cut us off in traffic or grab the last order of something we were hoping to acquire   Instead of finding reasons to judge or ignore strangers whom you encounter; when possible, I encourage you to find momentary points of connection in your everyday interactions.

Another less commonly thought of connection is our connection to the cosmos – our connection to all beings – to the universe at large.   Meditating and learning about dharma teachings – about the suffering that all beings experience – helps me to feel more connected to the great fabric of human experience.  I also feel connected to the greater human fabric when I enjoy artistic works – like listening to music, watching a movie, or reading a good book – because many times those pieces speak to an element of my experience that is common to all – and I don’t feel so alone – because I’m not the only one who has experienced whatever I am currently experiencing.   

Suffering is a key aspect of life – that was one of the Buddha's main teachings.  It our very effort to try and avoid the basic suffering that comes with life experience that make us feel the most pain.  Spring Washam got her start with inner city communities and was amazed to discover during her teacher training at Spirit Rock that everyone experiences suffering – “rich” people and great spiritual leaders, too – no one is immune to loss and delusion and desire and suffering.  Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in experiencing difficulty and troubles - there is nothing to be ashamed about - we are part of the same tribe.  

Spring told us about a tribe in Afrika where when tribe members commit a crime, the entire village stands around them for days and showers them with love and reminders of their most redeeming and precious qualities - rather than punishing them, they take the time and care to remind them of their natural goodness inside.  We then acted out a rendition of this idea - and hearing everyone's encouraging comments about me and sharing loving comments with each of of the other participants made me feel really warm and grateful inside.

All in all, it was a wonderful day – and a wonderful reminder of how much opportunity there is for connection in my life – even while I am in between relationships and on this celibate path.  When we finished the day today, I felt a great sense of fullness and joy – and I felt truly loved – basically the same way that I felt six years ago today when I stood under that tent surrounded by those near and dear to my heart.   I felt love in my heart for myself, for those in the room with me, for my friends and family and loved ones scattered throughout the country, and for all beings.  And I felt their love with me in return.

What a wonderful way to come full circle – to learn that it is possible to find that same fullness and joy in more than one setting – in fact, I am discovering that it is possible to find that fullness and joy in many settings – sitting by myself writing this blog knowing that those of you out there in CyberSpace are reading it (thank you!); sharing vivencias with my fellow Biodanza participants, revealing layers of myself in interactive retreat settings; and even sitting by myself doing lovingkindness meditation (although it is still a challenging practice for me!).  What a relief and sense of freedom to know that we are not limited to feeling fullness and joy in only one setting – love and connection are ready and available all around us – we just have to see and appreciate them and be ready to open ourselves up and take them in.

To close for this evening, I am going to share two favorites of mine. 

First, down way below is the link to a YouTube clip of one of my favorite songs by Maria Taylor – "A Good Start".  Whenever I listen to this song, I am reminded of how interconnected we all are – and how interconnected life is – the ups and the downs, friends and foes – they are all part of the same universe – and all each of us can do is try to be present and give our best in every moment.

Second, this is a set of quotes / dialogue from one of my favorite movies, Contact, with Jodie Foster and a bunch of other great actors.  The movie came out in the late 1990’s and is based on Carl Sagan’s work.  In it, Jodie Foster is a scientist who studies space to see if there are any signs of life out there beyond our planet (which science increasingly suggests there is).  She initially considers herself a scientist and therefore above faith and anything unable to be proven by fact.  This causes her conflict with “Palmer,” a minister referenced in the quote for whom she has a love interest (played by Matthew McConaughey). 

Jodie (Ms. Arroway) and the other earthlings are sent a communication from space which gives instructions for building an elaborate space travel machine to connect with their community – and in an elaborate dreamey like sequence, she does – even  though it looks to all bystanders like the spaceship crashed, the mission failed, and she is crazy.  She “returns to earth” to share her story for the world and is brought before a key panel to testify regarding what happened.  

As Jodie's character testifies below – she comes to realize that faith and science may not be so separate after all – and she does her best in her own way to reassure all of us that there is life out there and we are not alone in this universe (as she has previously felt all of our life).   This dialogue encapsulates my favorite part of the movie – and one of the main reasons that it is one of my favorite movies – I encourage you to see it if you haven’t yet had the opportunity – either way, enjoy this quote (courtesy of IMDB.com).  I also found the actual clip on Youtube and attached if below for those of you who have access to video and sound.

 Panel member: Doctor Arroway, you come to us with no evidence, no record, no artifacts. Only a story that to put it mildly strains credibility. Over half a trillion dollars was spent, dozens of lives were lost. Are you really going to sit there and tell us we should just take this all... on faith?
[pause, Ellie looks at Palmer]

Michael Kitz: Please answer the question, doctor.

Ellie Arroway: Is it possible that it didn't happen? Yes. As a scientist, I must concede that, I must volunteer that.

Michael Kitz: Wait a minute, let me get this straight. You admit that you have absolutely no physical evidence to back up your story.

Ellie Arroway: Yes.

Michael Kitz: You admit that you very well may have hallucinated this whole thing.

Ellie Arroway: Yes.

Michael Kitz: You admit that if you were in our position, you would respond with exactly the same degree of incredulity and skepticism!

Ellie Arroway: Yes!

Michael Kitz: [standing, angrily] Then why don't you simply withdraw your testimony, and concede that this "journey to the center of the galaxy," in fact, never took place! 

Ellie Arroway: Because I can't. I... had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision... of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater then ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone! I wish... I... could share that... I wish, that everyone, if only for one... moment, could feel... that awe, and humility, and hope. But... That continues to be my wish.

Link to the Quotes from IMBD 

Contact - Video Clip

A Good Start - Maria Taylor