On Opening Up Your Heart – and Living Wholeheartedly

The Dance of Human Connection

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a wonderful Biodanza weekend retreat up at Harbin Hot Springs called “Heaven On Earth” – basically it was a workshop about affectivity and sensuality/sexuality, two of the key themes that Biodanza works with.  

When I first signed up for the weekend, I did not think very consciously about the topic that it was about – I was just eager to center my life more around activities that bring me joy – and Biodanza brings an overflowing amount of joy and connection into my life.  Since November 2010, I’ve been regularly attending my Biodanza circle every Thursday night in the same safe space, with mostly the same group of people, the same fantastic teacher – my little nest.  

Meanwhile, in my personal life, since breaking up with my ex-boyfriend in mid-May, I’ve really been focusing a significant amount of energy on getting comfortable being by myself and on supercharging my personal growth journey – something I am still very committed to.  I’ve been putting more energy into my professional development and taking this new CareerDevelopment Facilitator training course that I’m enrolled in this summer.  I’ve been trying out new and old yoga, pilates, and dance classes – a process of experimentation that I am continuing to enjoy.  I’ve been getting more intensively into local Bay Area meditation groups and finding community among people who share that interest.  I’ve been reading inspirational and educational books and blogs and getting into writing on this blog more than I ever thought that I would.  I’ve been taking time that I never previously had to catch up on old and new Grey’s Anatomy episodes.  And, I’ve been making efforts to connect more with people from my Biodanza circle outside of class.  

Go See It!

These are all wonderful things that have given me a hope and reassurance that there is plenty of joy out there in the world as a single person – in fact, as a single person, the world is kind of your oyster.  I certainly haven’t been locking myself away in my room by any stretch – in fact, I am overjoyed to be growing closer with some wonderful new friends.  For example, I went to go see the fabulous Happy movie documentary which is slowly starting to circulate around the world with a big group of new friends on the 4^th of July – a perfect way to spend the holiday in my opinion – I totally recommend seeing the movie if you have the chance.

Still, despite the fact that I’ve been growing and changing and connecting out in the world this past few months, “taking things on the road” to this Biodanza workshop and exploring the topics of affectivity and sensuality / sexuality made me realize that in my own way, I have been closing myself off and placing significant emphasis on having things be ‘safe’ – I’ve been avoiding my vulnerability in order to avoid getting hurt – in a way my trust in relationships and the inherent given and take in relationship with others has been shaken over the course of my past few romantic partnerships.  Now that I’ve seen how easy it is for me to lose myself in relationship, there is a part of me that is afraid to venture down that road again.  

It’s like I trust myself hitting a tennis ball against a wall and pat myself on the back for being a good “tennis player,” but the idea of actually playing a tennis match against another person seems way too complicated.  That brings up the question – can you really play tennis or play the game of life and love all by yourself?

For those of you who are wondering, affectivity is basically our emotional connectivity and solidarity with other people and sensuality / sexuality is basically our overall enjoyment of sensations and pleasure in the world.  For more information about it and Biodanza, I encourage you to read more here, watch the Biodanza videos, and check out a class if it ever comes to your area. 

A badge from Brene Brown's website

For me, exploring these themes of affectivity and sensuality / sexuality up at Harbin Hot Springs this past weekend really opened me up in a way that I haven’t been open for quite some time – certainly not since I embarked on this more celibate, solitary path.  It gave me excellent opportunities to test the new skills of standing my ground and speaking my truth that I’ve been working on and gave me many chances to let go, set my anxieties aside, and enjoy the present moment.  I did Biodanza in a new space, with new people, with a new teacher – and even outside in nature from time to time – a big departure for me.  

Excellent book!

This past weekend reminded me how vibrant and loving I can be while also giving me a chance to explore the topics of vulnerability which I’ve been exploring through the work of Brene Brown lately.  I don’t have enough time to discuss all of her ideas today, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this woman’s work since I stumbled onto it a few weeks ago – I think she could become one of my main sources of inspiration and teachings.  I’m partway through her book, The Gifts ofImperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who YouAre, and I am finding it really helpful – almost as if she has been reading my mind!  

A great initial introduction to Brene’s work is through her Ted Talk video available at this link or below – I encourage you to watch it.

In a nutshell, Brene has found that people who are “Wholehearted” (as I hope to be) believe inherently that they are deserving of love and open themselves up to it even though doing so requires them to be vulnerability – they love with their whole heart and aren’t afraid to be with whatever comes up in their lives as a result.  I also came across this quote of the week in her Blog archives recently, and I feel that it really speaks to some of the things I am reflecting on coming away from the workshop this past weekend.  I’m sure I will speak tons more about her work on this blog in the future!

Finally, I am including a link to a great song by Modest Mouse, “Float On,” that I seem to have running through my head this morning – I find it reassuring and a great reminder to just go with the flow! 

On Mindful Vacationing - and the Joys of Traveling Alone

What an enchanting evening! 

Her name is Kimberly, too!

Instead of going directly home after the career conference that I was at this past two days, I decided to stay in San Antonio and enjoy an afternoon and evening in the city.  While I have had many solo adventures in San Francisco the past few months and have tackled many airports and train stations by myself, this was the first time I can recall being a “solo vacationer,” particularly on a Saturday, prime weekend day and night - "date night" as it was once referred to in Sex and the City by Charlotte.  (Note - picture of Kimberly from the following link)

While traveling by yourself can at times make you feel isolated and somewhat sad, there are some remarkable things about it.  I’ve found this weekend that I have been so much more observant and aware of everything around me – and less concerned about the details of traveling.  It is fun to watch all of the people around me – families with their children, young adults out on dates, the staff diligently serving patrons, and groups of partiers living it up – it is neat to observe see the dynamics of their interactions unfold. 

Even better, I’m finding that if you can resist the temptation to bury yourself in a book or distract yourself with your smart phone (a hard thing to do), there are so many rich and delicious things to be mindful of while you are traveling.   This evening, I went down to the concierge station and bravely asked for a restaurant recommendation (something I ordinarily do not think to do) – and I ended up with the most delicious find – a delightful Tuscan Italian restaurant called Tre Trattoria overlooking a park and horse drawn carriage rides and beautiful rustic style buildings. 

Courtesy of Trip Advisor

As each course of my meal came, I made a real point to savor each and every bite – to smell each sip of the wine and let it ease down my throat, let the marinated Portobello mushrooms and gnocchi move around my mouth before swallowing, and enjoy every rich bit of the decadent nutella / molten chocolate cake that I had for dessert.  I interacted with the staff and the manager, listened to the soft classical and jazz music in the background, and watched the sun set slowly outside the window of the restaurant. 

Instead of being consumed by my conversation (or argument) with my dinner partner, I was instead consumed by the very experience of eating and enjoying delicate cuisine – it reminded me of the “Eat” part of Eat, Pray Love – and my own days studying abroad in Florence the summer after my freshman year in college and enjoying the rich wine and cuisine of Tuscany in abundance.  While I am very much in favor of meditation and a focus on the basics, I can definitely see how cultivating a genuine love and appreciation for the joy of eating can make one’s life more joyful.  One final plus of dining alone – I was able to double-dip my bread into the olive oil and no one cared!

Fiesta Noche del Rio

After dinner, I made my way down to the Riverwalk, and managed to stumble into Spanish singing / dancing Mariachi Band concert (Fiesta Noche del Rio) – in an outdoor amphitheater along the river –for $5 – donated to a children’s charity.  What an awesome find!  Rather than being consumed by pre-set expectations for the night, I bought my ticket and just went with it – the music was great, the performers were vibrant and colorful, and the environment was magical – it had a real historical, uniquely San Antonio feel.  (Note - picture from the following link)

Courtesy of Arellis49 on Flikr

Altogether, the evening was magical – it was such a treat to stroll along the Riverwalk in a skirt and tank top completely comfortable with a pleasant breeze coming off the water – the breeze felt truly enchanting.  Again, I probably would have noticed the breeze if I was traveling with a group, but not the degree that I was able to all on my own – I could feel it on my body, breathe it in my lungs, smell it in my nose – the degree to which I perceived the sensory details of the experience was notably more intense than it has been at other times in my life.

Of course, perhaps part of the reason I enjoyed the experience so much had less to do with the fact that I was by myself and more to do with the fact that I am becoming more mindful and making a point to “let go” and enjoy the experience of letting life unfold more – I am fully willing to admit that.  I’ve also noticed positive effects of my being more assertive these days in my hotel stay – I just called the front desk to ask when the omelette station opens up at the brunch (because it wasn’t available this morning) and without blinking an eye, they compensated me for $25 of my dining charges – basically about as much as my breakfast was this morning – amazing! 

Who knew all of these wonderful things could result from simply speaking up and honoring my experience – I didn’t get mean or make a big deal – I just asked some questions and stayed true to my desire to (ideally) have an omelet in the morning if I’m paying a significant amount for breakfast.

Anyway, whether or not the positive experiences I have had on this trip have been due to my traveling alone or whether they’ve been the result of my personal growth (or a combination of the two), I highly encourage each of you to travel by yourself at least once in your life if you haven’t yet had the opportunity – and I encourage you to practice mindful eating and mindful sightseeing the next time you are out and about in a city that it is not your own.

I’m curious, those of you reading this blog who feel inclined to comment – have any of you ever taken a vacation trip on your own?  Or made a point to be particularly mindful on a trip?  How did it go?  What did you learn from the experience? 

On Early Role Models, Favorites, and Career Story

 This weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a fascinating session at a career conference on Mark Savickas’s Career Story Interview.   

According to Savickas, the role models that people admired growing up reveal key elements of their character and ways in reach they responded to challenges growing up; their favorite books, TV shows, and magazines reveal the stage or environment in which they want to act out their careers; the script of their current favorite book or movie reveals the key chapter of their life story that they are currently acting out; and their favorite saying or motto reveals the best advice they have for themselves – the direction for their life. 

For more details on Mark Savickas’s Career Story Interview and other key career development theories that he supports, here is the link to his most recent book on Amazon, Career Counseling (Theories of Psychotherapy).

In order to illustrate and learn this technique, I’m going to do my best to answer four or his Career Story Interview questions on this blog.  Please feel free to comment on what you think my answers might mean – or feel free to answer the questions for yourself – I encourage you to share your story!

1.    Who do you admire when you were growing up?  Tell me about her or him.  (3 key role models)

The first heroine that came to mind for me was She-Ra, Princess of Power – who had her own spinoff of the popular He-Man series.  

She-Ra, Princess of Power!

She-Ra  was born as He-man’s twin sister but was kidnapped as a child and raised in the homeworld of Etheria by that world’s evil ruler, Hordak.  He-man rescues her and eventually helps her remember her birthright as Princess Adora, and she works with a group of freedom fighters called the Great Rebellion to try and free her homework.   She-Ra, like He-Man, has a double identity, morphing from the more youthful and innocent Adora to the powerful and wise She-Ra by invoking the saying,”For the honor of Grayscull, I am She-Ra!”  

For some more background on She-Ra, see this article about the 25th anniversary release of the show on DVD.  Also, note this picture of She-Ra is courtesy of Kyra Smith / Ferretbrain.com.

What does this mean for me?   As an only child, I grew up in a more sheltered existence and didn’t have much opportunity to serve as a mentor or leader until later in life when I realized that I really enjoy guiding others.   Just as Adora had an alter ego full of wisdom and self-assured power, I am continuing to learn as I get older that I do as well.  By being such an early fan of She-Ra, I believe I was expressing an inner desire to cultivate my inner strength and insight and use it to help others and “save the day!”

Francis "Baby" Houseman

The second heroine that came to mind for me was Francis “Baby” Houseman from the classic 80’s film, Dirty Dancing.  I first saw that movie when I was about 5-6 years old, and my mom tells me I used to run around the house dressed just like her (as best I could) shouting, “I’m Baby, I’m Baby!” 

In the movie, Francis is 18 years old and has the “Time of her Life” at Kellerman’s resort in the upskill Catskill Mountains.  She comes from a fairly upper class family and a sheltered existence and has an idealistic heart and aspirations to join the Peace Corps and help others.  She finds herself drawn to the various staff members running the camp rather than her fellow camp patrons and saves the day by filling in to learn a dance with Johnny, the dancing instructor, when his partner Penny gets “knocked up” and has to have an abortion on the night of their performance.  (Picture courtesy of Flixster)

In summoning up her inner strength and creativity to learn the challenging dance and in getting to know Johnny and the other staff members, Francis taps into confidence, integrity, and courage that she had not previously accessed – and risks her relationship with her family in order to help her newfound circle of friends. 

What does this mean for me? 

In addition to highlighting my longstanding love of dance, I think the deeper message from this role model is similar to that from She-Ra – despite growing up in a more sheltered existence and being protected from more counter-culture influences, there is a key part of me that wants to help the underdog, sees all people as being equal, and wants to tap into my inner strength and wisdom to help those in need. 

I think this role model also points to my desire to help others not through cleaning their wounds directly or fixing their car but rather from using my performing ability to their advantage or using my network and access to resources to assist them (as Baby does at one point in the movie where she goes and gets her Dad the doctor to assist a staff member having medical difficulties).

Nancy Drew

Finally, the third role model who comes to mind from my youth is Nancy Drew, the female amateur detective.  She is wealthy, smart, attractive, and confident – and uses her prowess to solve mysteries and help people.  (Picture courtesy of University of Maryland Library).

What does this mean for me?

Once again, we have another role model who is both strong and feminine – so I’m seeing that there is a big theme there for me – wanting to use my intelligence, be assertive, and make a difference without having to take on a masculine demeanor or appearance.   I also think this love of Nancy Drew highlights my passion for synthesizing knowledge, using my intuition, asking questions / being inquisitive and seeing patterns – these are all skills that Nancy Drew uses to solve her cases and are skills that I enjoy using whenever I can.

As an academic advisor and coach, I really enjoy “peeling the onion” with clients to uncover the inner strengths and interests that are hiding just beneath the surface – when I’ve “solved the mystery” and figured out where their unique talents and contributions lie, I feel very excited.  The challenge for me is to channel that intuition into being a good listener and helping them through creative methods to discover those talents and contributions for themselves rather than giving my report and trying to push my conclusions onto them.   Seeing this role model leads me to wonder what other ways I could incorporate “solving the mystery” into my career path!

2.    Do you read any magazines or watch any television shows regularly?  What do you like about these magazines or television shows?

Great Magazine!

First of all, as I think about the books and magazines and internet sites that I read most regularly, they often relate to Self-Help, Psychology, Career Development, Personal Development, and Spirituality / the Meaning of Life - e.g. Psychology Today) I am almost always reading Non-Fiction books directed towards a popular audience – or Personal Memoirs.   One of these days I am going to add in a reading list from Amazon and start sharing some of the many great books that I have encountered and am continuing to encounter.  (Picture courtesy of Gifts.com)

The fact that I like these types of magazines, books, and internet sites confirms for me that I am acting in exactly the right stage as an Academic Advisor, Career Development Facilitator, and Student Advocate.  It does, however, continue to lead me to think that I should give more serious thought into becoming a Life Coach and/or incorporating my spiritual beliefs more consciously into my professional practice.

My Favorite Show!

The more revealing thing for me is thinking about why Grey’s Anatomy is hands down my favorite show – what is that?  What does that mean?

For one thing, my love of Grey’s Anatomy likely signals my desire to be part of a helping profession – to assist people on a daily basis as the doctors in the show do when they diagnose, treat, and heal their patients.  (Picture courtesy of this website).

I also really enjoy Grey’s Anatomy because the voiceovers and actors in the show convey a lot of wisdom – they live life to the fullest and are pursuing their dream careers.  I admire their hard work directed towards fulfilling their life goals – goals that are directed more at saving lives than making tons of money.

Grey's Anatomy also appeals to my love of learning - I've always enjoyed reading or watching shows about training programs - I enjoyed Ender's Game, a science fiction novel for that reason, I enjoyed reading a book about a girl named Cherry (Cherry Ames Student Nurse) as a little girl who was part of a Nursing residency program...throughout my life I been drawn towards accounts of people learning new skills and putting them to use - for that reason, working in higher education or some sort of training and development enterprise is and would be a good fit for me.

Finally - and most interesting to me – I also enjoy Grey’s Anatomy because I have a curiosity about medicine, health, and wellness.  Most people who’ve spent any significant amount of time around me will tell you that I am a hypochondriac.  When I have the slightest degree of illness, I am immediately Googling it, checking the symptoms on WebMD, and developing a treatment plan for myself – of both traditional and alternative means.  When I see my doctor, I am a highly informed patient - and I ask questions to better understand my condition.  In recent months, I've been intrigued by new modalities like acupuncture and Reiki and hypnotherapy and yoga that treat illnesses and injuries – particularly psychosomatic ones.   Whenever a co-worker or friend is sick, I love being able to help direct them to the right medical provider and suggest potential treatments to investigate.

What does that mean for me?   Who knows? – I’ve never considered working in a hospital or medical environment, but maybe I should add it to the list as a back-up option.  Perhaps I would be a good person to do career development or organizational development for a medical residency program?  Maybe I should become certified in an alternative mind-body therapy and work that into my practice?  Hard to say for sure – but some food for thought!

3.    What is your favorite book or movie?  Tell me the story.

Great Movie!

My current favorite scripted book or movie right now is Eat, Pray, Love – the movie version with Julia Roberts.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I just love her idea of the quest – of acknowledging uncomfortable truths about yourself and seeing each person as a teacher and each experience of your life journey as a clue.  (Picture courtesy of this website).

I believe that my love of this movie right now is encouraging me to continue on my own personal quest – to continue being mindful of each moment, keep growing and learning, bring more meditation into my life, and explore what it means to experience real joy.  

4.    Tell me your favorite saying or motto.

My most consistent saying is the quote that goes out beneath my signature line on every email that I send out at work:

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" – Confucius

I believe this quote gives me direction or advice to continue staying true to my heart and searching for work that energizes my soul and brings joy and wellbeing into my life.  Luckily, there are many elements of my current job that I do really enjoy – which is one of the key reasons that I have stayed there for almost four years now. 

This quote challenges me to continue paying attention to how much or little I enjoy my  job and not be afraid to move on and try something new if things change and I no longer look forward to coming to work each day.  This quote challenges me to avoid becoming someone who dreads coming in on Monday morning and makes excuses about why I “have” to do my job.  It lets me off the hook from the idea that I need to stay in any position mainly due to a sense of obligation – because in the end, life is too short. 

There will always be aspects of a job that feels like “work” – this quote is a bit idealistic in saying that you will never have to work a day in your life.  Still, there is a noticeable difference in your professional living when you are doing something you love and value versus doing something just for a paycheck.  This quote encourages me to remember how important it is to enjoy what you do for a living – and encourage clients to find the careers that engage their passions, interests, and values – bringing them much-deserved joy and fulfillment!

On Dealing with Setbacks and Frustration – The Path of the Warrior

This has been a tough week for me so far – and today has been a challenging day.  In just about every conceivable way, I have felt myself slipping back into old negative patterns and behaviors and losing ground in goals that I have set for myself.  

I haven’t been getting enough sleep – which has made me overtired, cranky, and more anxious than usual.  I haven’t written as much on this blog as I would like.  I haven’t meditated as much and managed to miss both my Mission Dharma meditation group and the Hip Hop class that I was aiming to try out this past Tuesday.  I’ve been stressed out and distracted at work – an inconvenient mind state to deal with when you are in the midst of a very busy time and have lots of tasks which need to get done right.   Today was one of those days where I was frantically running around like a crazy person trying to get ready for a big day of advising calls tomorrow and a flight out of town tomorrow night – and I am not fully done yet.

So, why am I taking the time to write about this in the midst of all this craziness?  Why am I writing about this when I’ve admittedly felt tons of anger and discouragement and aversion and doubt today?  Why am I sharing some of the very reasons why I am not an ideal model of enlightened behavior?

I’m writing about this right now because this is where the work comes in – this is the front line where the battle to awaken joy and foster peace in the world is fought.   If I am really sharing my journey of self-discovery with you, it is important that you not just see me when the view is breathtaking and I’ve reached the top of the next peak – it is important that you see the full range of the journey.   I make no promises to be perfect, but I promise you I will make every effort in this blog to be authentic – to be real.   Journeys and diets and any kind of “infomercial” type experience that you might see on TV – they all have ups and downs along the way. 

That previously 400-pound woman who is now 150 pounds and wearing a bikini on late night TV?  I guarantee you – somewhere along the way of her new workout regime and carefully crafted meal plan, there was at least one moment (and likely several) where she skipped exercise class and was sitting in Krispy Crème staring down at a half eaten box of donuts about to call it quits. 

It’s one thing to commit to a goal or try to live more healthfully or develop Zen habits when the sun is shining and you are observing forward progress in yourself.  It’s one thing to model positive behavior when people cheering you on surround you in spades. 

The real test comes when things don’t come so easily – when you’re overtired or you get a flat tire or you hit a stressful time at work or someone picks a bad moment to point out your flaws – or you observe yourself slipping back into dangerous ground. 

What do you do then?  Do you chuck it all to hell and give up the fight?  Do you blame the world or your partner or your boss or the guy who crashed into your car for making you give up your dreams?  Do you get angry and take out your bad feelings on someone else around you – ideally someone over whom you have power?

In her book When Things Fall Apart (Chapter 2 – When Things Fall Apart), Pema Chodron shares a story about taking on a new position as head teacher at an abbey and having to confront nasty truths about herself.   She says, “What happened to me when I got to the abbey was that everything fell apart.  All the ways I shield myself, all the ways I delude myself, all the ways I maintain my well-polished self image - all of it fell apart.” 

She says that around that time when she was really struggling with all of the negative feedback she was receiving about herself, her teacher visited and said, “When you have made good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly, too.”

Pema acknowledges that these moments…that I feel like I have been experiencing this week…these moments are “a kind of testing that spiritual warriors need in order to awaken their hearts.”  We can “shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.” 

I was so tempted today to be angry at my co-workers today, get mad at the person at Office Depot who kept me on hold for 12 minutes, and blame the day and the conditions around me for my unhappiness today.  Hell – I did feel those feelings – I did feel anger and resentment and aversion today.   I still feel some of those feelings now.

But – there were little snippets where I awakened – even just for a moment – and saw what I was doing.  There were moments when I took a deep breath and counted to 10 and was gracious and open-minded.  There were moments when I focused on things for which I am grateful today – for instance, I had a wonderful phone conversation with an old friend today, my Office Depot order came out perfectly, and I had a tasty dinner.  There was a moment this evening when I was walking from work to Office Depot to run an errand and I realized suddenly that it was a beautiful night – that the sky was still blue and it was still light out and there was a pleasant breeze – and I was happy.   There were little moments in there were I was happy in the midst of all the aggravation and frustration and “bad luck.”

Have you ever gotten into a “bad streak” and started to predict that the rest of your day was going to be awful?  I definitely have…I’ll notice it’s raining and miss the bus and walk in late to work and the next thing I know I’m predicting that the whole day is going to suck and the world has it in for me.  But – there’s no guarantee that that is the case – the next moment could be great. 

And – if you notice that you are getting angry or resentful or acting in a way that contradicts your values, don’t beat yourself up over it – rejoice in the fact that you noticed.  The very fact that you’ve noticed you are off track is a sign that you are awake.  Just like you send the distracting thought on its merry way and focus your attention back on the breath during meditation, in moments of struggle, you can send that negative behavior on its way and approach the next moment with compassion and understanding and vulnerability – with mindfulness of the present moment and the feelings that you are experiencing.  You can reconnect with your inner Buddha nature at any moment – it’s never too late.

Every moment is a new opportunity – a second chance to be peaceful and share your light with the world.  So we fell off the wagon and failed a little – so what?  What matters is what we are going to do in the next moment – are we going to give up horseback riding altogether or are we going to get back on the horse and keep going?

As Pema says (at the end of the earlier chapter 2):

“To stay with that shakiness-to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge – that is the path of true awakening.  Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic-that is the spiritual path.  Getting in the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior.   We catch ourselves one zillion times at once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, bitterness, righteous indignation-harden in any way, even into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration.

Every day we could think about the aggression in the world, in New York, Los Angeles, Halifax, Taiwan, Beirut, Kuwait, Somalia, Iraq, everywhere.  All over the world, everybody always strikes out at the enemy, and the pain escalates forever.  Every day we could reflect on this and ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to add to the aggression in the world?’  Every day, at the moment when things get edgy, we can just ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to practice peace, or am I going to war?’”

That passage brings me a great deal of comfort and encouragement when I am struggling against the negative emotions in my head like I have been today – I hope it will bring you support as well.   I’m also including the link to a song that I discovered recently from an old Grey’s Anatomy episode – “Turn and Turn Again” by All Thieves – I listed to it several times today – and it has brought me much peace.  For those of you who don’t have access to audio right now, I’m including the lyrics below as well.  Enjoy!

“Turn and Turn Again” – All Thieves

Worn from walking this far
So worn from talking this much
And what we found and what we've seen
As the road curves down

And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening
We enter this town
Like new born creatures

Those I know I see anew
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human too

So turn and turn again
We are calling in all the ships
Every traveler, please come home
And tell us all that you have seen
Break every lock to every door
Return every gun to every drawer
So we can turn
And turn again

Only priests and clowns can save us now
Only a sign from God or a hurricane
Can bring about
The change we all want

And we've done it again
This trick we have
Of turning love to pain
And peace to war

We're just ash in a jar

So turn and turn again
We are calling in all the ships
Every traveler, please come home
And tell us all that you have seen
Break every lock to every door
Return every gun to every drawer
So we can turn and turn again (x2)

On Appreciating the Fragile Nature of Life

 

It is a glorious sunny day, and I am sitting on my favorite (okay only) chaise lounge by the window watching the sun is streaming in through the blinds and feeling a delicate breeze sweep across my arms as I type.  It is one of those beautiful days that makes grateful and happy to be alive.  Given all of that, I am going to write to you today about death.  Why?  Because once again, death is on my mind – and I figured it would be good to share some of my thoughts about it with you.

You see -- unlike some of my peers who blissfully go through life assuming that they are invincible and never let such a somber topic cross their mind, I think about death on average about once every day, sometimes more.  I’m not entirely sure why.

My Totaled Toyota Corolla

It could be because I’ve had one close colleague die suddenly of a brain aneurism and one close colleague die of a heart attack within the past three years.  It could be because I’ve had several near death experiences in the past 10 years – I’ve gotten hit by a car crossing the street, ran my car spinning in circles off the road, ended up in the ER due to an electrolyte imbalance, and most recently fell down a flight of stairs a few month’s ago.  It could be because I live in Earthquake country and the next big one could happen any second.  It could be because I love Grey’s Anatomy (which takes place in a hospital with people dying) or because I live in a culture that predicts the end of the work in 2012 and constantly emphasizes plane crashes and gas explosions and natural disasters on the news.  

I suspect it is due some combination of all the factors that I’ve mentioned…and probably other subtler factors of which I’m not even fully conscious.   Either way, it doesn’t really matter – the fact is, lately I think about death at least once very day – sometimes on the bus, sometimes walking home, often late at night on this very chaise lounge.  

Usually I am alone – and I wonder if I’m going to make it until my next interaction with someone- or if this is it – right here.   I suppose in a way it’s a symptom of spending more time alone lately.   Usually we spend our whole frantically running from activity to activity trying to avoid the natural fragility of life – and I’ve made a point to stop doing that.  I’ve made a point to start focusing as much attention as possible on the present moment because it is all we really have.

To be clear, when I think about death each day, I am not thinking about wanting to die – I am not contemplating suicide or ways to kill myself.  No, quite the opposite – I want to live.  I want to live very much.  I want to continue this great adventure for as long as I can.  I want to die at the ripe age of 97 or 102 – with grandkids and great-grandkids running around at my funeral.  I want to find and marry a life partner and ride the waves of a long-term committed relationship that lasts beyond the 7-year itch.  I want to wax poetic with new generations of students about the wee old days when there was no Internet and people looked up dry cleaners in the phone book and movie listings in the newspaper.   I want to learn new things, write a book, get pregnant, go on a silent retreat, take a cruise somewhere beautiful, and experience everything that this life has to offer. 

Yet – I’d be naïve to assume that I’m going to live forever.  I’d be deluding myself to keep missing the present in my quest to get to the future – as we all frequently do day after day.  Even if I were lucky enough to live another 60 years, I’d be kidding myself to assume that hundreds of loved ones aren’t going to die and leave me by the time I get there.  In time, every single person in my life – including me – is going to die.  We are human – it’s what we do.  We are born, we live, and we die.  

Beginnings and endings are the very fabric of life.  Every day, we’re surrounded of examples of them– my Biodanza teacher just got engaged (new beginning); an acquaintance of mine just had a new baby (new beginning); the Bombay Creamery ice cream store in town just closed (ending –and I never even got to try it); an acquaintance of mine just had a baby (new beginning); a colleague of mine is leaving USF (ending).

From what I’ve heard in dharma talks, Buddhists say that it’s not necessarily bad for us to form connections to things and have relationships – to enjoy living, to enjoy a favorite possession, etc.  It’s not bad that I want to live and have goals for things that I’d like to achieve in my life.   One famous Buddhist teacher has a favorite mug that he likes to drink tea out of – and someone asked him one time if liking that mug wasn’t really a form of attachment.  The teacher answered him that he loves that mug – but yet it doesn’t make him suffer because every time he looks at it, he pictures it falling to the ground and shattering to pieces – in other words, he knows it is precious because it is not going to be there forever – he loves and appreciates it – but he is not resisting the natural law of impermanence – he is not resisting the fact that someday it will not be with him.

I wouldn’t say I enjoy thinking about death on a daily basis – it is not an experience that I would call pleasant.  Still, it is an experience that wakes me up and encourages me to appreciate every moment; to appreciate every person – and to remember the utter preciousness of life.  It also seems to prepare me for some of the losses that I know I will experience – so that hopefully when they happen I can take them in with as much ease as possible, feeling grateful for the times that I have had with those people and those practices near and dear to my heart.

While there is so much more than I want to achieve and experience in my life, I am extremely grateful for everything that I have been able to see and do and learn so far.   Looking back over the years, it feels like I have lived several lifetimes over already – each phase of my life has brought out a different element of my essence, a different part of my personality.   I have so much wonder and amazement thinking about the places I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, and the ideas and practices that have been shared with me.  I feel lucky to live in one of the most picturesque cities on earth.  I don’t know where or how much longer the ride will take me – but I know one thing – it’s been an amazing ride so far.  :)

To close for tonight, I’m including below a link to a song which always makes me think of death when I listen to it – “Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking” by Snow Patrol – it’s a bit haunting but very moving.  I’m also including a voiceover from the Season Six finale of Grey’s Anatomy that speaks to some of these ideas – it was from an episode where the husband of a deceased patient came into the hospital and started shooting doctors and bystanders at random to avenge the death of his wife (and you wonder why I think of death all the time…) 

Sheryl Barker

Finally, to balance out the “death” song, I’m also including a link to “Wish You Well” – a song by Kate Herzig that makes me think of my two dear colleagues who passed away in recent years – Sheryl Barker and Eugene Muscat.  Sheryl and Eugene – wherever your spirits live on, I wish you well – you both touched my life in so many positive ways.  

Enjoy – and thank you for reading!

6.24 Death And All Of His Friends

Eugene Muscat

Derek: The human life is made up of choices.  Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  And then there are the choices that matter.  Love or hate.  To be a hero or to be a coward.  To fight or to give in.  To live.  Or die.  Live or die.  That's the important choice. And it's not always in our hands.

Derek: Yes or no.  In or out.  Up or down.  Live or die.  Hero or coward.  Fight or give in.  I'll say it again to make sure you hear me.  The human life is made up of choices.  Live or die.  That's the important choice.  And it's not always in our hands.

Snow Patrol - "Somewhere, a Clock Is Ticking"

 

Kate Herzig - Wish You Well